From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
As stated, the election of 2000 was nuts. There were a lot of dirty tricks and rumors and inunedo that was being batted about. And we started to see "push polling" where the supposedly unbiased pollster was pushing some agenda with the questions. I thought I would take it to its logical conclusion. Was I influenced by the Tina Fey sketch of the Census taker in April of that year? Maybe. I can't remember if I wrote this at the time or pulled it out from something earlier. I think it was a fresh idea for PHC. The sketch seems shorter than I remember it but back then I wasn't pushing for length; I was jumping on an idea and presenting it quickly--get in, get out.
Anyway, it wasn't used. It got passed around elsewhere, but didn't see much action. So, here it is...
Anyway, it wasn't used. It got passed around elsewhere, but didn't see much action. So, here it is...
Pollster
(GK, Pollster, Woman, Newcaster)
GK: The polls have been little help if you're trying to track this election. The lead seems to change day to day, with different polls making different claims. One really has to wonder if the polls are an accurate reflection this election...
(phone rings)
SS: Hello?
PL: Hello, this is Jerry Schwall with the Giddy-Up Polling company. Is this Ms. Bonnie Wahlfurth?
SS: Speaking.
PL: We'd like to ask you some questions about the upcoming mayoral election?
SS: Certainly.
PL: If the election were held tomorrow, who would you vote for?
SS: I'm voting for Dave Jensen.
PL: All right. Now, if the election were held the day after tomorrow, who would you vote for?
SS: I'd vote for Dave Jensen.
PL: Very good. If the election were held in late November, who would you vote for?
SS: Why would the election be held in late November? The election is this week.
PL: Yes, but if it were held then?
SS: I would still vote for Dave Jensen.
PL: Really? Even then? Now, if you were to learn that the candidate had not paid his taxes in 12 years, would that change your vote?
SS: Are you saying that he hasn't pay his taxes?
PL: Not at all. But if he hadn't, would you vote for him?
SS: I don't know. Maybe.
PL: If you were to learn that your candidate was involved in white slave trade, trading single American females for opium, would that affect your vote?
SS: I don't understand, he's a slave trader?
PL: No, not at all. But if he were?
SS: I guess if he were, no, how could I?
PL: Very good. Now, if it turned out that your candidate was indeed a member of an evil alien race intent on colonizing earth, how would you rate your willingness to vote for your candidate, 10 being very willing, 1 being not willing at all.
SS: I don't know, a one, I'd imagine. But that seems---
PL: So you're support for Dave Jensen is conditional.
SS: With what you're saying---
(News show music)
NC: And tonight's top story, Giddy-Up polls show Dave Jensen's lead has decreased and his support is "getting soft." A spokesman for Giddy-Up Polls stated voters are just "uneasy" and "uncomfortable" about him. Now this word from our sponsor---
end
GK: The polls have been little help if you're trying to track this election. The lead seems to change day to day, with different polls making different claims. One really has to wonder if the polls are an accurate reflection this election...
(phone rings)
SS: Hello?
PL: Hello, this is Jerry Schwall with the Giddy-Up Polling company. Is this Ms. Bonnie Wahlfurth?
SS: Speaking.
PL: We'd like to ask you some questions about the upcoming mayoral election?
SS: Certainly.
PL: If the election were held tomorrow, who would you vote for?
SS: I'm voting for Dave Jensen.
PL: All right. Now, if the election were held the day after tomorrow, who would you vote for?
SS: I'd vote for Dave Jensen.
PL: Very good. If the election were held in late November, who would you vote for?
SS: Why would the election be held in late November? The election is this week.
PL: Yes, but if it were held then?
SS: I would still vote for Dave Jensen.
PL: Really? Even then? Now, if you were to learn that the candidate had not paid his taxes in 12 years, would that change your vote?
SS: Are you saying that he hasn't pay his taxes?
PL: Not at all. But if he hadn't, would you vote for him?
SS: I don't know. Maybe.
PL: If you were to learn that your candidate was involved in white slave trade, trading single American females for opium, would that affect your vote?
SS: I don't understand, he's a slave trader?
PL: No, not at all. But if he were?
SS: I guess if he were, no, how could I?
PL: Very good. Now, if it turned out that your candidate was indeed a member of an evil alien race intent on colonizing earth, how would you rate your willingness to vote for your candidate, 10 being very willing, 1 being not willing at all.
SS: I don't know, a one, I'd imagine. But that seems---
PL: So you're support for Dave Jensen is conditional.
SS: With what you're saying---
(News show music)
NC: And tonight's top story, Giddy-Up polls show Dave Jensen's lead has decreased and his support is "getting soft." A spokesman for Giddy-Up Polls stated voters are just "uneasy" and "uncomfortable" about him. Now this word from our sponsor---
end
