From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is one of those sketches that I have submitted and submitted and submitted, but it never gets the nod. It's just one of those things that popped into my head when I was at the market and I noticed that after using my courtesy card, the cash register receipt would spit out coupons for items I had just purchased. Retail was just starting to figure out how to target customers based on their purchase history, and this was years before Facebook would figure out how to have pop-up ads for anything you mentioned in front of your phone or toaster. It's a bit that could have been really dry or really insane. I wound up playing it down the middle, trying to keep it grounded as the reality of the situation dawns on the customer. Again, I didn't even bother including GK as a "character" leaving it as Customer, Cashier and Announcer. I had my ups and downs with them, and this must have been one of the downses. After PHC passed, I re-worked it as a stage bit and for other radio outlets, but couldn't get it over the finish line. So, here is now, for your reading pleasure...
Orwell Market
(CU: Customer, CH, Cashier AN: Announcer)
(cash register sounds)
CH: That'll be $57.34, please.
CU: I have my supermarket courtesy card with me.
CH: Let me just scan that.
(beeps)
CH: Your total is $51.30. Your courtesy card has given you six dollars and 4 cents in savings.
CU: That's great.
CH: Oh, and I see you're only 25 dollars away from getting your certificate for a free turkey or ham.
CU: Very good. Thank you.
CH: And the register says the film you dropped off at the photo center is ready.
CU: Oh, really. I'll have to pick that up.
CH: Make sure you have them scan your courtesy card when you pay. The register says some of the photos were over-exposed and quite a number of them are shots of your thumb.
CU: Darn it, you know, it's a new camera and I'm still...wait a second, the register says that?
CH: Yes. Oh-oh. You tried to use an expired coupon last seek. Shame, shame.
CU: That was an accident. How does the cash register even know that?
CH: Oh, I see here you have some books are overdue at the library.
CU: Now, just a minute. That's none of your concern. And I returned those books.
CH: That's not what it says here. And, apparently, your son is flunking geometry.
CU: That's enough. Just give me back my card. I don't need this kind of intrusion.
CH: Thank you for shopping of Orwell's.
AN: We at Orwell Grocers think every customer is our business. Whether it's the zip code you live in or the fact that you're a wanted fugitive, we need to know, to better serve you. At Orwell Grocers we make your business our business.
CU: Orwell Grocers, they're coming to get you and your patronage.
end
(cash register sounds)
CH: That'll be $57.34, please.
CU: I have my supermarket courtesy card with me.
CH: Let me just scan that.
(beeps)
CH: Your total is $51.30. Your courtesy card has given you six dollars and 4 cents in savings.
CU: That's great.
CH: Oh, and I see you're only 25 dollars away from getting your certificate for a free turkey or ham.
CU: Very good. Thank you.
CH: And the register says the film you dropped off at the photo center is ready.
CU: Oh, really. I'll have to pick that up.
CH: Make sure you have them scan your courtesy card when you pay. The register says some of the photos were over-exposed and quite a number of them are shots of your thumb.
CU: Darn it, you know, it's a new camera and I'm still...wait a second, the register says that?
CH: Yes. Oh-oh. You tried to use an expired coupon last seek. Shame, shame.
CU: That was an accident. How does the cash register even know that?
CH: Oh, I see here you have some books are overdue at the library.
CU: Now, just a minute. That's none of your concern. And I returned those books.
CH: That's not what it says here. And, apparently, your son is flunking geometry.
CU: That's enough. Just give me back my card. I don't need this kind of intrusion.
CH: Thank you for shopping of Orwell's.
AN: We at Orwell Grocers think every customer is our business. Whether it's the zip code you live in or the fact that you're a wanted fugitive, we need to know, to better serve you. At Orwell Grocers we make your business our business.
CU: Orwell Grocers, they're coming to get you and your patronage.
end
