From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
The war in Iraq was in full swing (along with some other odd nations) and the news was handling it like it was ratings gold; special reports, imbedded reporters, all USA all the time. Another hook was the idea of news reporters being "on assignment" which was a catch-all phrase meaning "none of our business." It was a short bit, but it was a bit worth submitting.
On Assignment
GK: ...but first we're going to pause for this special news report.
(THROBBING ELECTRONIC NEWS THEME)
TR: America at War: Between Iraq and a hard place. Now from NPR News in Washington, a special report. Here now is Cindy Chaise-Lounge in for Linda Wertheimer, who's on assignment.
SS: This is Cindy Chaise-Lounge in for Linda Wertheimer, who's on assignment. With further fighting in Baghdad, we have General Knuissance, live, via satellite from Baghdad. General, can you explain the situation?
GN: Hello, Linda.
SS: Hello, General. This is Cindy Chaise-Lounge in for Linda Wertheimer, who's on assignment. Now, General...
GN: I was told I'd be speaking with Linda Wertheimer.
SS: She's not here.
GN: Where is she?
SS: On assignment.
GN: What does that mean exactly?
SS: She's off somewhere.
GN: Hey, I'm off somewhere, and you managed to get me on the radio. Where's she that she can't linked up some how?
SS: I really don't know, sir.
GN: I mean, really, they promised me an interview with the big shot Wertheimer, and then they palm me off on you. No offense.
SS: I understand.
GN: I heard your show, you know. They have the weather guy report from every part of the country. It's always got a crew with him to report in.
SS: So, General, can you tell us the mood there in Iraq?
GN: Anger. I'm really ticked off here. All the other generals are getting interviewed by the network big shots, why not me?
SS: I couldn't say.
GN: She could phone this in, literally. You know what, the heck with this. Call me when Wertheimer gets back from assignment.
SS: I'll have her get back to you, sir. Okay, this has been a special report from NPR News in Washington. I'm Cindy Chaise-Lounge in for Linda Wertheimer, who's in rehab, I mean assignment.
end
(THROBBING ELECTRONIC NEWS THEME)
TR: America at War: Between Iraq and a hard place. Now from NPR News in Washington, a special report. Here now is Cindy Chaise-Lounge in for Linda Wertheimer, who's on assignment.
SS: This is Cindy Chaise-Lounge in for Linda Wertheimer, who's on assignment. With further fighting in Baghdad, we have General Knuissance, live, via satellite from Baghdad. General, can you explain the situation?
GN: Hello, Linda.
SS: Hello, General. This is Cindy Chaise-Lounge in for Linda Wertheimer, who's on assignment. Now, General...
GN: I was told I'd be speaking with Linda Wertheimer.
SS: She's not here.
GN: Where is she?
SS: On assignment.
GN: What does that mean exactly?
SS: She's off somewhere.
GN: Hey, I'm off somewhere, and you managed to get me on the radio. Where's she that she can't linked up some how?
SS: I really don't know, sir.
GN: I mean, really, they promised me an interview with the big shot Wertheimer, and then they palm me off on you. No offense.
SS: I understand.
GN: I heard your show, you know. They have the weather guy report from every part of the country. It's always got a crew with him to report in.
SS: So, General, can you tell us the mood there in Iraq?
GN: Anger. I'm really ticked off here. All the other generals are getting interviewed by the network big shots, why not me?
SS: I couldn't say.
GN: She could phone this in, literally. You know what, the heck with this. Call me when Wertheimer gets back from assignment.
SS: I'll have her get back to you, sir. Okay, this has been a special report from NPR News in Washington. I'm Cindy Chaise-Lounge in for Linda Wertheimer, who's in rehab, I mean assignment.
end
