From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
The year 2000 was a crazy political year and everyone was getting their licks in. There weren't too many political surprises on a show headed by Garrison "Tax & Spend Liberal" Keillor broadcast on NPR, but still, you just didn't want to hit the low-hanging fruit. You wanted to find a new, unique take on the issues of the day. I don't remember how I came to juxtaposition the idea of office politics with real politics--the debates, the ads, the negative campaigning--but here's how it came out. I broke it into a series of bits leading up to a main sketch. I'm not sure that PHC had ever played around with running gags through a show before and now was not the time for them to start. My journal doesn't say much about the Fall of '00, just mentioning that I submitted items and they didn't get used. Anyway, here's...
Office Politics
Chironna Paid Political Message
by Dan Fiorella
(GK, SD: Stan Delaney, AN:Announcer)
GK: We'll be right back after this paid political announcement.
SD: Hi, I'm Stan Delaney, former copy room boy. You know me, you know Jon Chironna. You know his copies. Crisp, clean and always collated. Ask yourself, are your copies better now then they were four years ago? Hell, yes! they are. Don't turn back the clock to the dark, pre-digital days. We're on the edge of a copier revolution and Jon Chironna is responsible for that. He wants to build a bridge to the copy room of the 21st century. Won't you help him? I'm voting for Jon, you should too.
AN: Re-elect Jon Chironna as copy boy. He's an original. Paid for by the Water Cooler Coalition.
by Dan Fiorella
(GK, SD: Stan Delaney, AN:Announcer)
GK: We'll be right back after this paid political announcement.
SD: Hi, I'm Stan Delaney, former copy room boy. You know me, you know Jon Chironna. You know his copies. Crisp, clean and always collated. Ask yourself, are your copies better now then they were four years ago? Hell, yes! they are. Don't turn back the clock to the dark, pre-digital days. We're on the edge of a copier revolution and Jon Chironna is responsible for that. He wants to build a bridge to the copy room of the 21st century. Won't you help him? I'm voting for Jon, you should too.
AN: Re-elect Jon Chironna as copy boy. He's an original. Paid for by the Water Cooler Coalition.
Gilpin Paid Political Announcement
by Dan Fiorella
(GK, AN: Announcer, MN: MAN, SS, QA, Quick Announcer)
GK: We'll be back after this paid political announcement.
(sweet music, birds chirping, happy sounds)
AN: Jon Chironna wants to be re-elected copy boy. He tells you productivity is up. He tells you copies are
plentiful. But what isn't he telling you?
(musical sting)
MN: Excuse me, ma'am, did you know Jon Chironna has been caught with office supplies OUTSIDE the office five times?
SS: Why, no I didn't.
MN: Did you know that the maintenance bills on the copy equipment are up 40%?
SS: I had no idea.
MN: Did you know that Mr. Chironna has switched to an inferior grade of toner?
SS: That's very serious.
AN: Call Jon Chironna on extension 28 and say "Stop monkeying around with our copy room!"
QA: This ad paid for my the Soft Money Committee to Elect Tom Gilpin.
by Dan Fiorella
(GK, AN: Announcer, MN: MAN, SS, QA, Quick Announcer)
GK: We'll be back after this paid political announcement.
(sweet music, birds chirping, happy sounds)
AN: Jon Chironna wants to be re-elected copy boy. He tells you productivity is up. He tells you copies are
plentiful. But what isn't he telling you?
(musical sting)
MN: Excuse me, ma'am, did you know Jon Chironna has been caught with office supplies OUTSIDE the office five times?
SS: Why, no I didn't.
MN: Did you know that the maintenance bills on the copy equipment are up 40%?
SS: I had no idea.
MN: Did you know that Mr. Chironna has switched to an inferior grade of toner?
SS: That's very serious.
AN: Call Jon Chironna on extension 28 and say "Stop monkeying around with our copy room!"
QA: This ad paid for my the Soft Money Committee to Elect Tom Gilpin.
Office Politics 2000
by Dan Fiorella
(GK, JC: Jon Chironna, TG: Tom Gilpin, DB: Dolores Bender)
GK: As part of our continuing coverage of Office Politics 2000, we present the candidates debate. With us tonight are the candidates for the position of Copy boy, incumbent John Chironna and his opponent, Tom Gilpin. Welcome, gentlemen.
JC: Thanks.
TG: Great to be here.
GK: We'll begin with each candidates opening statements. And Mr. Chironna, as you won the coin toss, you will begin.
JC: Thank you, Mr. Keillor. First, I just wanted to thank my supporters and staff, both those who are help me in my re-election campaign and those who have made the last four years the most productive years this copy room has ever seen. I can run on my record of crisp, clean copies and a spotless record of collation. And I hope you agree. Thank you.
GK: Mr. Gilpin.
TG: Thank you, Mr. Keillor. Well, let's be frank here. As long as Mr. Chironna has the latest automated equipment, well, I guess he can do the job. I, however, have a long, distinguished career in the copy and duplication sector. I was there with carbon papers and mimeographs. I've been there from the first liquid Xerox machine to the latest color-based printer. Mr. Chironna has played the technology card for too long. With all our warranties about to expire, there's a very real chance that when you go into the copy room and say, "I need 100 copies of this" the copy room would have to say, "I'm sorry, sir, the machine is down. We can't make your copies." I don't want that day to come.
GK: Our first question is from Dolores Bender of the company newsletter.
DB: Thank you. Mr. Chironna, your opponent has made quite an issue of the toner shortage of June, claiming lack of foresight on your part. How would you respond to that?
JC: This is exactly the kind of negative campaign we have come to expect from Mr. Gilpin. There was no toner shortage. Yes, we were forced to close the copy room one day, but that was because our shipment of toner was delayed; lost and mis-routed by the shipping company. I made the calls, I got the company to re-ship and we were back in business the next morning.
GK: Rebuttal, Mr. Gilpin.
TG: Well, there you go again, Jon. There was no shipment coming. We ran out of toner because Jon forgot to order it. No sense of inventory at all. Once he realized his error, he had the toner company overnight an emergency supply. At great additional expense. I've learned the copy room from the ground up, I worked with Stan Delaney and have tried to emulate him...
JC: You are no Stan Delaney!
GK: Our second question also comes from Dolores Bender.
DB: Thank you again. Mr. Gilpin, a lot of people feel you're too entrenched in the past. In this day of laser jet technology, you still talk about the need for photostats and carbon duplicates. Can you be a copy boy for the 21st century?
TG: Technology is fine, Ms. Bender, in its place. But what is needed here is a back-up system, a fail-safe---
JC: Perhaps Mr. Gilpin is so fond of mimeographs because he's hooked on them.
GK: I beg your pardon?
JC: I have a series of affidavits here telling of Mr. Gilpin's long history of mimeograph sniffing!
GK: That's a lie! I may have once held it up to my nose, but I never inhaled.
JC: I can only imagine what shape he'd be in if he managed to get a mimeograph of his own.
GK: That seems rather harsh.
TG: Maybe Mr. Chironna dislikes mimeographs and carbon paper because it's so much harder to do this!
GK: What is that you're holding up, Mr. Gilpin?
TG: I hold in my hand a series of Xerox copies of a human behind!
DB: But---
TG: Exactly!
JC: You fiend.
TG: A behind which my experts can prove belongs to on John Chironna! This is the kind of copy machine mistreatment we want to endorse? It's time to send the copy room a message!
GK: I'm afraid we're out of time, gentlemen. Thank you for joining us for Office Politics 2000. Next week, we'll have Betty Murphy and Yolanda Perez debate for the position of supervisor of the secretarial pool. Good evening...
end
by Dan Fiorella
(GK, JC: Jon Chironna, TG: Tom Gilpin, DB: Dolores Bender)
GK: As part of our continuing coverage of Office Politics 2000, we present the candidates debate. With us tonight are the candidates for the position of Copy boy, incumbent John Chironna and his opponent, Tom Gilpin. Welcome, gentlemen.
JC: Thanks.
TG: Great to be here.
GK: We'll begin with each candidates opening statements. And Mr. Chironna, as you won the coin toss, you will begin.
JC: Thank you, Mr. Keillor. First, I just wanted to thank my supporters and staff, both those who are help me in my re-election campaign and those who have made the last four years the most productive years this copy room has ever seen. I can run on my record of crisp, clean copies and a spotless record of collation. And I hope you agree. Thank you.
GK: Mr. Gilpin.
TG: Thank you, Mr. Keillor. Well, let's be frank here. As long as Mr. Chironna has the latest automated equipment, well, I guess he can do the job. I, however, have a long, distinguished career in the copy and duplication sector. I was there with carbon papers and mimeographs. I've been there from the first liquid Xerox machine to the latest color-based printer. Mr. Chironna has played the technology card for too long. With all our warranties about to expire, there's a very real chance that when you go into the copy room and say, "I need 100 copies of this" the copy room would have to say, "I'm sorry, sir, the machine is down. We can't make your copies." I don't want that day to come.
GK: Our first question is from Dolores Bender of the company newsletter.
DB: Thank you. Mr. Chironna, your opponent has made quite an issue of the toner shortage of June, claiming lack of foresight on your part. How would you respond to that?
JC: This is exactly the kind of negative campaign we have come to expect from Mr. Gilpin. There was no toner shortage. Yes, we were forced to close the copy room one day, but that was because our shipment of toner was delayed; lost and mis-routed by the shipping company. I made the calls, I got the company to re-ship and we were back in business the next morning.
GK: Rebuttal, Mr. Gilpin.
TG: Well, there you go again, Jon. There was no shipment coming. We ran out of toner because Jon forgot to order it. No sense of inventory at all. Once he realized his error, he had the toner company overnight an emergency supply. At great additional expense. I've learned the copy room from the ground up, I worked with Stan Delaney and have tried to emulate him...
JC: You are no Stan Delaney!
GK: Our second question also comes from Dolores Bender.
DB: Thank you again. Mr. Gilpin, a lot of people feel you're too entrenched in the past. In this day of laser jet technology, you still talk about the need for photostats and carbon duplicates. Can you be a copy boy for the 21st century?
TG: Technology is fine, Ms. Bender, in its place. But what is needed here is a back-up system, a fail-safe---
JC: Perhaps Mr. Gilpin is so fond of mimeographs because he's hooked on them.
GK: I beg your pardon?
JC: I have a series of affidavits here telling of Mr. Gilpin's long history of mimeograph sniffing!
GK: That's a lie! I may have once held it up to my nose, but I never inhaled.
JC: I can only imagine what shape he'd be in if he managed to get a mimeograph of his own.
GK: That seems rather harsh.
TG: Maybe Mr. Chironna dislikes mimeographs and carbon paper because it's so much harder to do this!
GK: What is that you're holding up, Mr. Gilpin?
TG: I hold in my hand a series of Xerox copies of a human behind!
DB: But---
TG: Exactly!
JC: You fiend.
TG: A behind which my experts can prove belongs to on John Chironna! This is the kind of copy machine mistreatment we want to endorse? It's time to send the copy room a message!
GK: I'm afraid we're out of time, gentlemen. Thank you for joining us for Office Politics 2000. Next week, we'll have Betty Murphy and Yolanda Perez debate for the position of supervisor of the secretarial pool. Good evening...
end
It went though a couple of different iterations before I got a prose version of it published by The Big Jewel a couple of years later:
