From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Each Christmas season, the show would set up camp in NYC and not ever invite be to a broadcast, even as I made an extra effort to create city-specific material for my hometown. Of course the biggest deal in New York at Christmas time is the tree at Rockefeller center. A couple of things converged to make this script. I hope how or when, but I definitely misheard the lyrics to "Oh Christmas Tree." Maybe it started as a song parody somewhere, but that thought was kicking around. And I remembered an old sketch. The radio comedy team of Bob & Ray appeared on SNL and SNL-adjacent shows several times. One sketch had them as to midwestern guys who made their way to NYC to donate a tree to Rockefeller Center. They showed up with this scraggly tree that had taken a beating in transit and then they had to sit there as the person they were dealing with explained to them that they already had a tee and it was, like, 50 feet tall. Classic Bob & Ray. I think this sketch is more of an homage to them than a ripoff. But since probably no one remembers that sketch or saw this one, I don't think it matters. Also, there's a Monty Python reference thrown in for good measure ("The Larch") which was solely for my benefit. Also "the pining." I wonder how close I came to typing "for the fjords." Oh, well. Merry Christmas!
Oak Christmas Tree
(GK, AT: Al Timber)
GK: Here in New York, we're lucky enough to see the official Christmas tree of the country, the tree at Rockefeller Center. It was a tradition begun by the construction workers as they built the complex. It is a beloved symbol of Christmas---
AT: Not beloved by everybody.
GK: Who are you?
AT: I'm Al Timber, president of the Oak Tree Growers of America.
GK: Oak Tree Growers have an organization?
AT: You bet. With branch offices all over the country.
GK: And you're here---?
AT: I'm protesting the Rockefeller tree.
GK: What exactly are you protesting?
AT: What's the big deal about pines? Why is it always a pine tree? Why not the maple? The Oak? Why not use the larch?
GK: The Larch?
AT: All fine, upstanding trees. You want big, just put a redwood out there. These Rockefellers are barking up the wrong tree.
GK: The pine is a tradition. It's evergreen, I guess, symbolizing eternal life with Christ.
AT: Oh, it's a tree. It's a pine tree. What's that make you think of...pining away, pining for something. What's so festive about that? And it's a soft wood. Soft and weak and mealy. Now look at this oak. It's all pretty colors and you don't even have to decorate it! It does that naturally.
GK: Yes, but the leaves are falling off. It's kind of bare, no?
AT: It's not bare, it's convenient. Makes it that much easier to hang lights. And look how nicely those ornaments hang.
GK: Those are unusual ornaments.
AT: They're acorns. I painted them. I put glitter on this one.
GK: It's striking.
AT: And this is the way it's supposed to be.
GK: Why do you say that?
AT: Because it's just like that Christmas carol.
GK: Which one?
AT: "Oak Christmas Tree, Oak Christmas Tree, how lovely are thine branches..."
GK: Thank you for your time and insights. It's apparent the nut doesn't fall far from the tree.
AT: Exactly. Remember, America, there's lots of perfectly good trees out there. Just for the taking. Remember, you can't see the forest for the trees!
GK: A message from the Oak Growers of America.
end
GK: Here in New York, we're lucky enough to see the official Christmas tree of the country, the tree at Rockefeller Center. It was a tradition begun by the construction workers as they built the complex. It is a beloved symbol of Christmas---
AT: Not beloved by everybody.
GK: Who are you?
AT: I'm Al Timber, president of the Oak Tree Growers of America.
GK: Oak Tree Growers have an organization?
AT: You bet. With branch offices all over the country.
GK: And you're here---?
AT: I'm protesting the Rockefeller tree.
GK: What exactly are you protesting?
AT: What's the big deal about pines? Why is it always a pine tree? Why not the maple? The Oak? Why not use the larch?
GK: The Larch?
AT: All fine, upstanding trees. You want big, just put a redwood out there. These Rockefellers are barking up the wrong tree.
GK: The pine is a tradition. It's evergreen, I guess, symbolizing eternal life with Christ.
AT: Oh, it's a tree. It's a pine tree. What's that make you think of...pining away, pining for something. What's so festive about that? And it's a soft wood. Soft and weak and mealy. Now look at this oak. It's all pretty colors and you don't even have to decorate it! It does that naturally.
GK: Yes, but the leaves are falling off. It's kind of bare, no?
AT: It's not bare, it's convenient. Makes it that much easier to hang lights. And look how nicely those ornaments hang.
GK: Those are unusual ornaments.
AT: They're acorns. I painted them. I put glitter on this one.
GK: It's striking.
AT: And this is the way it's supposed to be.
GK: Why do you say that?
AT: Because it's just like that Christmas carol.
GK: Which one?
AT: "Oak Christmas Tree, Oak Christmas Tree, how lovely are thine branches..."
GK: Thank you for your time and insights. It's apparent the nut doesn't fall far from the tree.
AT: Exactly. Remember, America, there's lots of perfectly good trees out there. Just for the taking. Remember, you can't see the forest for the trees!
GK: A message from the Oak Growers of America.
end
