From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Granted, I've done these "Olympic" sketches before, coming up with wacky events, but I have no recollection of this particular one. After a hiatus, The PHC troupe was back in New York City. They news at the time was the city was making a bid to host the 2012 Olympics (spoiler alert: They didn't). It was a very bizarre time. The mayor was pushing for it. But, frankly the citizens didn't want it to happen. It would have actually been a tri-state Olympics, with events spilling over into NJ, CT, upstate NY and even Staten Island. It was the perfect bit for radio; ridiculous visuals that you couldn't possibly do, sound effects galore and a steady patter of jokes. Funny bit. They didn't use it. Maybe that's why NYC lost its bid...
NYC Olympics
GK: One of the things we're noticing during our stay in New York is the city's campaign to bring the 2012 Olympic games here. They are not only are going to host the Olympics, we're going to improve them, too. It's the city's belief that they don't want to host the same old namby-pamby "sporting" events; Events like race walking or badminton. No, they city fathers feel if they're going to do the Olympics, they're doing it right. They have a whole new selection of NY-Centric events.
(Subway door "ding-dong".)
GK: Such as Subway Surfing.
CONDUCTOR: Attention athletes, this is the Number 1 Uptown train. You will now see how far you can ride standing without holding on. No leaning up against that blonde on the end. You heard me. Watch the closing doors. Next stop Rector Street.
(subway "ding-dong")
GK: Followed by the Hop, Skip & Turnstile Jump where athletes have to see who can get the most free subway rides while visiting here. Also planned is Cross-town Cycling.
(tires screeching, horns honking, bicycle bells)
GK: Bikers. Manhattan. Rush hour. It's the kind of event that would be covered on both the sports page and the police blotter. Very exciting and possibly lethal. But you won't be able to look away. Then there's the Gridlock & Load...
(cars racing, gun shots.)
GK: Participates attempt to drive downtown and shoot targets set up at various intersections. Just like a normal New York drive. Once downtown, they would hold the Trading Floor exercises. What could be more fun than letting a bunch of gymnasts loose on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange right at the opening?
(clanging of bell, then muzak of the "Russian Sabre Dance.")
MAN: Buy! Buy! Sell! Leap! Stick the landing!
GK: It's quite a spectacle, although the sport was tainted by the recent insider trading of steroids and other drugs which affect stock performance. Back up in midtown, they'll be holding the Race Jaywalking finals. Athletes attempt to cross the street against the light in the quickest time.
(ding, footsteps, car beeping, screeching tires, bangs and crashes)
GK: Points would be awarded for grace, form, style and degree of difficulty. Remember, jaywalking in New York isn't a crime, it's an art. Of course, that would be followed by Street Fencing.
DUDE: Check it out. Check it out. Finest kind.
GK: Athletes head out to the streets to see who can get the most for that "authentic" Rolex watch. Also, you have the 100 Taxi meter Sprint where athletes compete to get from JFK to Midtown with the least amount of fare gouging.
CABBIE: Where you want to go? I know short cut! No smoking please.
(Racing car sounds)
CAROL CHANNING: (speaker) This is Carol Channing, don't forget to buckle up, Dolly!
GK: Then there's the Buyathlon, spelled B-u-y-athlon. It's a sprint down Fifth Avenue racing from store to store.
(footsteps. Muzak. Cash registers ringing)
GK: Whoever does the most damage to their credit wins. They'll have the Police Hurdles, which isn't really an event, but what it'll take to get around town during the whole time the Olympics are here.
POLICE: Please step away from the athletes. Keep it moving, keep it moving, nothing to see here. You, stop running. Get over here. Where you in such a hurry to?
RUNNER: I'm in the marathon, officer! I was winning!
POLICE: Oh, then be off with you then. And make sure you signal those turns!
GK: So, these are the kind of events New Yorkers will be attending if they get the Olympics.
NEW YORKER: No, way. If the Olympics come to New York, I'm going on vacation to the Poconos that week. It'll be nuts here.
end
(Subway door "ding-dong".)
GK: Such as Subway Surfing.
CONDUCTOR: Attention athletes, this is the Number 1 Uptown train. You will now see how far you can ride standing without holding on. No leaning up against that blonde on the end. You heard me. Watch the closing doors. Next stop Rector Street.
(subway "ding-dong")
GK: Followed by the Hop, Skip & Turnstile Jump where athletes have to see who can get the most free subway rides while visiting here. Also planned is Cross-town Cycling.
(tires screeching, horns honking, bicycle bells)
GK: Bikers. Manhattan. Rush hour. It's the kind of event that would be covered on both the sports page and the police blotter. Very exciting and possibly lethal. But you won't be able to look away. Then there's the Gridlock & Load...
(cars racing, gun shots.)
GK: Participates attempt to drive downtown and shoot targets set up at various intersections. Just like a normal New York drive. Once downtown, they would hold the Trading Floor exercises. What could be more fun than letting a bunch of gymnasts loose on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange right at the opening?
(clanging of bell, then muzak of the "Russian Sabre Dance.")
MAN: Buy! Buy! Sell! Leap! Stick the landing!
GK: It's quite a spectacle, although the sport was tainted by the recent insider trading of steroids and other drugs which affect stock performance. Back up in midtown, they'll be holding the Race Jaywalking finals. Athletes attempt to cross the street against the light in the quickest time.
(ding, footsteps, car beeping, screeching tires, bangs and crashes)
GK: Points would be awarded for grace, form, style and degree of difficulty. Remember, jaywalking in New York isn't a crime, it's an art. Of course, that would be followed by Street Fencing.
DUDE: Check it out. Check it out. Finest kind.
GK: Athletes head out to the streets to see who can get the most for that "authentic" Rolex watch. Also, you have the 100 Taxi meter Sprint where athletes compete to get from JFK to Midtown with the least amount of fare gouging.
CABBIE: Where you want to go? I know short cut! No smoking please.
(Racing car sounds)
CAROL CHANNING: (speaker) This is Carol Channing, don't forget to buckle up, Dolly!
GK: Then there's the Buyathlon, spelled B-u-y-athlon. It's a sprint down Fifth Avenue racing from store to store.
(footsteps. Muzak. Cash registers ringing)
GK: Whoever does the most damage to their credit wins. They'll have the Police Hurdles, which isn't really an event, but what it'll take to get around town during the whole time the Olympics are here.
POLICE: Please step away from the athletes. Keep it moving, keep it moving, nothing to see here. You, stop running. Get over here. Where you in such a hurry to?
RUNNER: I'm in the marathon, officer! I was winning!
POLICE: Oh, then be off with you then. And make sure you signal those turns!
GK: So, these are the kind of events New Yorkers will be attending if they get the Olympics.
NEW YORKER: No, way. If the Olympics come to New York, I'm going on vacation to the Poconos that week. It'll be nuts here.
end
