It was inspired by my friend's latest episode of losing something on a city bus and making the attempt to retrieve it. Now, it was a Staten Island bus. If the drivers find an item on the bus, they bring it to the main depot on Staten Island. If it isn't claimed within a day or two, it get sent to the main Lost & Found in Manhattan. The idea of a lost and found for the entire city mass transit system seemed absurd to me. And all the umbrellas they must have! So, I decided to write a sketch about it. And because PHC was my sole outlet for material at the time, I geared it towards that. I thought it turned out quite well...
NYC Department of Lost & Found
RR: Wait, wait, Mr. Keillor!
GK: Who are you?
RR: I'm Ron Roselli, I'm the head of the New York City Department of Lost & Found.
GK: The Department of Lost & Found? What is that?
RR: We're the agency in charge of holding on to all the lost umbrellas, wallets, hat boxes, key chains, gloves, books, backpacks, and water bottles that people lose.
GK: You hold them.
RR: Until someone picks them up.
GK: I had no idea.
RR: Apparently most people don't. We need to work on getting our name out there.
GK: What are you doing here?
RR: Yes, sir. I heard you talking about the item you lost and I got my people right on it. We wanted to get you your umbrella back.
GK: You have my umbrella?
RR: We have all the umbrellas, socks, riding crops, left shoes, purses, Macy's bags, watches...
GK: I see.
RR: Our agents scour the city finding all the misplaced items and bring them to the office where they are identified, tagged and sorted.
GK: So you have my umbrella?
RR: Back it in boys!
(Beep, beep, beep of a large truck backing in)
RR: It was black, right?
GK: No, actually, it was a blue one.
RR: Hold it, hold it! Bring in the other one!
(Trucks gears grind, then another truck backs in)
GK: That's, what, a dump truck?
RR: Lost item redemption vehicle. Let me get back there into the bin.
GK: Be careful there.
RR: (from far away) Is this one it?
GK: I don't think so, no, no.
RR: How about this one?
GK: That's not it.
RR: This one?
GK: Oh, that's a nice one---
RR: Don't even think about it. How about this one...
SS: I just wanted to return the umbrella you lent me yesterday.
GK: Oh, you had it?
SS: Remember, it was starting to rain and you offered it to me, since you had just found it in that taxi.
GK: Oh, right, the taxi umbrella.
RR: You're umbrella was from a taxi?
GK: I suppose it was.
RR: For shame, Mr. Keillor, for shame.
GK: You'll be wanting it then?
RR: You know it. Let me see that, one blue collapsible umbrella. Okay, if anyone out there has lost a blue, collapsible umbrella just give us a call at the New York City Dept. of Lost and Found. Thank you.
GK: And thank you, Mr. Roselli.