From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is a goofy little sketch I remember with fondness. I thought it was a great premise. I thought it used the medium of radio excellently. I thought it fit the mood of the show. I was wrong. April 2002, the show was back in NYC, as it did a couple of times a year for a run at The Town Hall on West 43rd Street, and I was never invited to attend (not bitter).
It was inspired by my friend's latest episode of losing something on a city bus and making the attempt to retrieve it. Now, it was a Staten Island bus. If the drivers find an item on the bus, they bring it to the main depot on Staten Island. If it isn't claimed within a day or two, it get sent to the main Lost & Found in Manhattan. The idea of a lost and found for the entire city mass transit system seemed absurd to me. And all the umbrellas they must have! So, I decided to write a sketch about it. And because PHC was my sole outlet for material at the time, I geared it towards that. I thought it turned out quite well...
It was inspired by my friend's latest episode of losing something on a city bus and making the attempt to retrieve it. Now, it was a Staten Island bus. If the drivers find an item on the bus, they bring it to the main depot on Staten Island. If it isn't claimed within a day or two, it get sent to the main Lost & Found in Manhattan. The idea of a lost and found for the entire city mass transit system seemed absurd to me. And all the umbrellas they must have! So, I decided to write a sketch about it. And because PHC was my sole outlet for material at the time, I geared it towards that. I thought it turned out quite well...
NYC Department of Lost & Found
GK: of course I love New York, but sometimes the size can be overwhelming and somewhat impersonal. For example, it's a minor point, but I was in the subway yesterday and I lost my umbrella. Just an umbrella, but you know how it is, you leave, get off the train or taxi and you don't realize you've forgotten something until the doors are shut and the vehicle is gone. Very frustrating. And that's it, it's gone. You'll never see it--
(foot steps)
RR: Wait, wait, Mr. Keillor!
GK: Who are you?
RR: I'm Ron Roselli, I'm the head of the New York City Department of Lost & Found.
GK: The Department of Lost & Found? What is that?
RR: We're the agency in charge of holding on to all the lost umbrellas, wallets, hat boxes, key chains, gloves, books, backpacks, and water bottles that people lose.
GK: You hold them.
RR: Until someone picks them up.
GK: I had no idea.
RR: Apparently most people don't. We need to work on getting our name out there.
GK: What are you doing here?
RR: Yes, sir. I heard you talking about the item you lost and I got my people right on it. We wanted to get you your umbrella back.
GK: You have my umbrella?
RR: We have all the umbrellas, socks, riding crops, left shoes, purses, Macy's bags, watches...
GK: I see.
RR: Our agents scour the city finding all the misplaced items and bring them to the office where they are identified, tagged and sorted.
GK: So you have my umbrella?
RR: Back it in boys!
(Beep, beep, beep of a large truck backing in)
RR: It was black, right?
GK: No, actually, it was a blue one.
RR: Hold it, hold it! Bring in the other one!
(Trucks gears grind, then another truck backs in)
GK: That's, what, a dump truck?
RR: Lost item redemption vehicle. Let me get back there into the bin.
GK: Be careful there.
RR: (from far away) Is this one it?
GK: I don't think so, no, no.
RR: How about this one?
GK: That's not it.
RR: This one?
GK: Oh, that's a nice one---
RR: Don't even think about it. How about this one...
SS: Garrison?
GK: Yes?
SS: I just wanted to return the umbrella you lent me yesterday.
GK: Oh, you had it?
SS: Remember, it was starting to rain and you offered it to me, since you had just found it in that taxi.
GK: Oh, right, the taxi umbrella.
RR: You're umbrella was from a taxi?
GK: I suppose it was.
RR: For shame, Mr. Keillor, for shame.
GK: You'll be wanting it then?
RR: You know it. Let me see that, one blue collapsible umbrella. Okay, if anyone out there has lost a blue, collapsible umbrella just give us a call at the New York City Dept. of Lost and Found. Thank you.
GK: And thank you, Mr. Roselli.
end
(foot steps)
RR: Wait, wait, Mr. Keillor!
GK: Who are you?
RR: I'm Ron Roselli, I'm the head of the New York City Department of Lost & Found.
GK: The Department of Lost & Found? What is that?
RR: We're the agency in charge of holding on to all the lost umbrellas, wallets, hat boxes, key chains, gloves, books, backpacks, and water bottles that people lose.
GK: You hold them.
RR: Until someone picks them up.
GK: I had no idea.
RR: Apparently most people don't. We need to work on getting our name out there.
GK: What are you doing here?
RR: Yes, sir. I heard you talking about the item you lost and I got my people right on it. We wanted to get you your umbrella back.
GK: You have my umbrella?
RR: We have all the umbrellas, socks, riding crops, left shoes, purses, Macy's bags, watches...
GK: I see.
RR: Our agents scour the city finding all the misplaced items and bring them to the office where they are identified, tagged and sorted.
GK: So you have my umbrella?
RR: Back it in boys!
(Beep, beep, beep of a large truck backing in)
RR: It was black, right?
GK: No, actually, it was a blue one.
RR: Hold it, hold it! Bring in the other one!
(Trucks gears grind, then another truck backs in)
GK: That's, what, a dump truck?
RR: Lost item redemption vehicle. Let me get back there into the bin.
GK: Be careful there.
RR: (from far away) Is this one it?
GK: I don't think so, no, no.
RR: How about this one?
GK: That's not it.
RR: This one?
GK: Oh, that's a nice one---
RR: Don't even think about it. How about this one...
SS: Garrison?
GK: Yes?
SS: I just wanted to return the umbrella you lent me yesterday.
GK: Oh, you had it?
SS: Remember, it was starting to rain and you offered it to me, since you had just found it in that taxi.
GK: Oh, right, the taxi umbrella.
RR: You're umbrella was from a taxi?
GK: I suppose it was.
RR: For shame, Mr. Keillor, for shame.
GK: You'll be wanting it then?
RR: You know it. Let me see that, one blue collapsible umbrella. Okay, if anyone out there has lost a blue, collapsible umbrella just give us a call at the New York City Dept. of Lost and Found. Thank you.
GK: And thank you, Mr. Roselli.
end
