From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This sketch was a real hybrid of old and new. Since the show was in NYC at this time, I decided to do a Broadway-themed bit which would then allow me to pull out my old Auditions sketch. Garrison Keillor like to tell these tales about a past that didn't exist and I decided he would talk about being a Broadway baby. A couple of NY stereotypes, a few funny voices, and >boom<, you got a segue into my original sketch and it sounded custom made.
They didn't use it. But it's not like it was never done...
They didn't use it. But it's not like it was never done...
AUDITIONS
(FOOTSTEPS ON PAVEMENT, TRAFFIC AMBIENCE, PASSERS-BY)
GK: West 43rd Street. Just off Times Square. I used to walk down this street to go to school. Used to stop here every morning and get a Moxie. Right here. It's a copying place now but it used to be Rico's Newsstand. Rico used to stand in the doorway and wait for me...
(TR ITALIAN GREETING)
GK: My mother used to send down to Rico's to pick up the trades, the newspapers that reported on the business we call show. Within those pages any actor could check the ads and find out what producer was casting for the latest Broadway show. Any darken theater along the great Way White was in fact an oasis for the aspiring actor. For there in the darkened theater, on the dimly lit stage was the spot light which would highlight the hopes of any young man or woman. I remember that one time I was walking the street, as was my practice, heading west.
(FOOTSTEPS ON PAVEMENT, TRAFFIC AMBIANCE, PASSERS-BY)
GK: Past the Swedish Embassy and Ingemar...
(TR SWEDISH GREETING)
GK: and the Bombay Cafe...
(TR INDIAN: Good afternoon, little Buddy. Oh yes, a very
very good afternoon indeed.)
GK: and through Grand Central Station...
(WB BIG REVERB: The Twentieth Century Limited....now
arriving from Chicago on Track 11..) (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE)
GK: And west on 43rd past the back door of Le Cote Nord restaurant...
(TR FRENCH GREETING)
Gk: and past Rico's Newsstand.
TR: Hello, Buddy.
GK: Hello Rico. What's news?
TR: Everything you see here. I'm looking here. I see a new show gonna open up soon. Something called "Fiddler On the Roof."
GK: A musical?
TR: It's got a fiddler in it, so I bet it is. Auditions are right down the block.
GK: Tempted to go? You bet I was. So off I went. The stage door was open and I slowly let myself in and sat down, not unlike the times I'd done so, watching my mother rehearse. A man sat in the dark...the producer, no doubt, of this new musical. And before him the hopers and dreamers of Broadway, each waiting for their chance, their chance to prove they were good enough.
PRODUCER: Welcome everyone. Thank you for coming. As you saw by the postings, we are auditioning for a new musical. I hope you found the sheet music helpful and appreciate any thing you've prepared. Now, first up.
BINGLE: (Bing Crosby) Salutations! Dan Bingle here. I'd like to perform my number for you if I may. (singing) "If I was a rich man, bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-boo. All day long I'd beety-beety bum, if I was a wealthy man..."
PR: Thank you. Next.
ROD: Hey, boss, nice set up you got here. Love it.
PR: Thank you. And you are?
RD: Rod McToad, actor extordianaire. I'd like to do a scene from "A Chorus Line." <ahem> Hey, babe, come to these auditions often? What sign are you? Love your tote bag---"
PR: Next.
BETTY: Hello? Yes, I'm Elizabeth Aria. Classically trained. I'd like to audition with Shubert's "Unfinished Symphony."
(SINGS, then stops)
PR: Yes, yes, continue.
BT: Continue what? Hello! That's it. I told you he didn't finish it, otherwise they wouldn't call it "the Unfinished Symphony."
PR: Thank you, next.
ROBBINS: (Robin Williams) William Robbins reporting for ditties, sir. Hello? Anyone out there?
PR: I'm here.
RB: Oh, Mr. Oz, I'd like a brain, my friend here will have a heart and she'll take the tuna melt and an order of fries! Ha! What? I was just following orders. Oh, cold shoulder. There's no place like Nome...
PR: Are you here to audition?
RB: Oh, yes please. I'd like to do a number from a musical I wrote called West Bank Story. (singing) "When you're a Jew, you're a Jew all the way, from you first yarmulke to your last oy-vey!
PR: Next.
ULYSESS: Good day. Ulysess Barter. I'd like to do a scene I performed in Hamlet for the Elmer Fudd Theater for the Public. Ahem. (as Elmer Fudd) To bwe or not to bwe. That is the qwestion. Heh-heh-heh-heh.
PR: Thank you. Next.
SHEILA: Oh, hi. I'm Sheila Sternberg, sir. Lovely theater. Lovely. I'd like to do my set now. Thank you, you're a doll. (singing) Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a find, Catch me a catch--- (bursts into tears) Oh, I'm sorry, sir. That song always does that to me.
PR: Next.
PETER: Hello. I'm Peter Paul Murray, Troubadour. And I'd like to do my number for you--- (SINGING) If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, all over this land. If I had a chain saw, I'd chain saw in the morning, I'd chainsaw in the..
PR: Thank you. Next.
PE: If I had a power drill---
PR: Security! Next.
BUFORD: Howdy, the name's Buford Simkins. I'd sure be mighty pleased to try out for your show here. I even practiced one of the songs:
PR: Go ahead.
BF: Ee-ha! eeh-ha! to life. To life to life, eeeeh-ha!
PR: Thank you. Next.
MIME: How do you do. I'm Harold Shuster. I'm a mime---
PR: Excuse me, maybe you didn't understand, we're auditioning for Fiddler on the Roof? It's a musical.
MM: You see, that's just it. Pantomime is a completely misunderstood art form. You never gave it a chance. It is a noble art. Please, let me show you.
PR: Fine, fine, go ahead.
MM: Thank you. I'd like to do a piece I call, "Man in the Box." You see, I'm walking along the street one day. When suddenly, I bump into a wall. I'm amazed. I turn to walk around and lo and behold, I bump into another wall. Suddenly, I realize there are walls all around me. And now what? Oh no! The walls are closing in---
PR: Excuse me. Aren't mines supposed to be quiet?
MM: What?
PR: Mimes...They're not supposed to talk.
MM: Well how the blazes are you supposed to understand what I'm doing? I got no props, I got no fancy set or costumes---
PR: Next!
MARY: Hello? Hello. My name is Mary Francis. I think, before I begin my number, you should know I've worked really hard at this, harder than most because I suffer from that dreaded learning disorder, dyslexia.
PR: Please, do your number.
MR: (SINGING)Sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, Quickly the days go---
GK: Okay. It looked like this would go on for awhile. But eventually the show would get up and running and become another stanza in the Broadway Melody.
END
GK: West 43rd Street. Just off Times Square. I used to walk down this street to go to school. Used to stop here every morning and get a Moxie. Right here. It's a copying place now but it used to be Rico's Newsstand. Rico used to stand in the doorway and wait for me...
(TR ITALIAN GREETING)
GK: My mother used to send down to Rico's to pick up the trades, the newspapers that reported on the business we call show. Within those pages any actor could check the ads and find out what producer was casting for the latest Broadway show. Any darken theater along the great Way White was in fact an oasis for the aspiring actor. For there in the darkened theater, on the dimly lit stage was the spot light which would highlight the hopes of any young man or woman. I remember that one time I was walking the street, as was my practice, heading west.
(FOOTSTEPS ON PAVEMENT, TRAFFIC AMBIANCE, PASSERS-BY)
GK: Past the Swedish Embassy and Ingemar...
(TR SWEDISH GREETING)
GK: and the Bombay Cafe...
(TR INDIAN: Good afternoon, little Buddy. Oh yes, a very
very good afternoon indeed.)
GK: and through Grand Central Station...
(WB BIG REVERB: The Twentieth Century Limited....now
arriving from Chicago on Track 11..) (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE)
GK: And west on 43rd past the back door of Le Cote Nord restaurant...
(TR FRENCH GREETING)
Gk: and past Rico's Newsstand.
TR: Hello, Buddy.
GK: Hello Rico. What's news?
TR: Everything you see here. I'm looking here. I see a new show gonna open up soon. Something called "Fiddler On the Roof."
GK: A musical?
TR: It's got a fiddler in it, so I bet it is. Auditions are right down the block.
GK: Tempted to go? You bet I was. So off I went. The stage door was open and I slowly let myself in and sat down, not unlike the times I'd done so, watching my mother rehearse. A man sat in the dark...the producer, no doubt, of this new musical. And before him the hopers and dreamers of Broadway, each waiting for their chance, their chance to prove they were good enough.
PRODUCER: Welcome everyone. Thank you for coming. As you saw by the postings, we are auditioning for a new musical. I hope you found the sheet music helpful and appreciate any thing you've prepared. Now, first up.
BINGLE: (Bing Crosby) Salutations! Dan Bingle here. I'd like to perform my number for you if I may. (singing) "If I was a rich man, bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-boo. All day long I'd beety-beety bum, if I was a wealthy man..."
PR: Thank you. Next.
ROD: Hey, boss, nice set up you got here. Love it.
PR: Thank you. And you are?
RD: Rod McToad, actor extordianaire. I'd like to do a scene from "A Chorus Line." <ahem> Hey, babe, come to these auditions often? What sign are you? Love your tote bag---"
PR: Next.
BETTY: Hello? Yes, I'm Elizabeth Aria. Classically trained. I'd like to audition with Shubert's "Unfinished Symphony."
(SINGS, then stops)
PR: Yes, yes, continue.
BT: Continue what? Hello! That's it. I told you he didn't finish it, otherwise they wouldn't call it "the Unfinished Symphony."
PR: Thank you, next.
ROBBINS: (Robin Williams) William Robbins reporting for ditties, sir. Hello? Anyone out there?
PR: I'm here.
RB: Oh, Mr. Oz, I'd like a brain, my friend here will have a heart and she'll take the tuna melt and an order of fries! Ha! What? I was just following orders. Oh, cold shoulder. There's no place like Nome...
PR: Are you here to audition?
RB: Oh, yes please. I'd like to do a number from a musical I wrote called West Bank Story. (singing) "When you're a Jew, you're a Jew all the way, from you first yarmulke to your last oy-vey!
PR: Next.
ULYSESS: Good day. Ulysess Barter. I'd like to do a scene I performed in Hamlet for the Elmer Fudd Theater for the Public. Ahem. (as Elmer Fudd) To bwe or not to bwe. That is the qwestion. Heh-heh-heh-heh.
PR: Thank you. Next.
SHEILA: Oh, hi. I'm Sheila Sternberg, sir. Lovely theater. Lovely. I'd like to do my set now. Thank you, you're a doll. (singing) Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a find, Catch me a catch--- (bursts into tears) Oh, I'm sorry, sir. That song always does that to me.
PR: Next.
PETER: Hello. I'm Peter Paul Murray, Troubadour. And I'd like to do my number for you--- (SINGING) If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, all over this land. If I had a chain saw, I'd chain saw in the morning, I'd chainsaw in the..
PR: Thank you. Next.
PE: If I had a power drill---
PR: Security! Next.
BUFORD: Howdy, the name's Buford Simkins. I'd sure be mighty pleased to try out for your show here. I even practiced one of the songs:
PR: Go ahead.
BF: Ee-ha! eeh-ha! to life. To life to life, eeeeh-ha!
PR: Thank you. Next.
MIME: How do you do. I'm Harold Shuster. I'm a mime---
PR: Excuse me, maybe you didn't understand, we're auditioning for Fiddler on the Roof? It's a musical.
MM: You see, that's just it. Pantomime is a completely misunderstood art form. You never gave it a chance. It is a noble art. Please, let me show you.
PR: Fine, fine, go ahead.
MM: Thank you. I'd like to do a piece I call, "Man in the Box." You see, I'm walking along the street one day. When suddenly, I bump into a wall. I'm amazed. I turn to walk around and lo and behold, I bump into another wall. Suddenly, I realize there are walls all around me. And now what? Oh no! The walls are closing in---
PR: Excuse me. Aren't mines supposed to be quiet?
MM: What?
PR: Mimes...They're not supposed to talk.
MM: Well how the blazes are you supposed to understand what I'm doing? I got no props, I got no fancy set or costumes---
PR: Next!
MARY: Hello? Hello. My name is Mary Francis. I think, before I begin my number, you should know I've worked really hard at this, harder than most because I suffer from that dreaded learning disorder, dyslexia.
PR: Please, do your number.
MR: (SINGING)Sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, Quickly the days go---
GK: Okay. It looked like this would go on for awhile. But eventually the show would get up and running and become another stanza in the Broadway Melody.
END
Auditions was written for the comedy troupe, Style Without Substance, that I worked with and we used it a couple of times as a through-line for the stage revues. I even utilized it when we did a version of the show on Staten Island Cable TV. I talked about the origins of this bit on the blog. Recently, I just grabbed a couple of the blackouts to show somebody and posted it on Youtube. The whole show that featured the Auditions sketch is posted as well. All the ones I wrote were used by the group both on stage and on cable. Here's a small sampling:
