From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
When I pulled this out and started to read it, I thought, "Yeah, this is gross. I get why they didn't go for it." But now having read the whole thing, it's really very wacky and goofy. And the long fingernail joke goes back to my college days about an accident involving nose-picking and the Guiness book of records for the world's longest fingernails. I use the audio well. It's silly and quick and is a parody of medical commercials. I don't know why PHC looked down their nose at it.
Nose Staple
(GK, PM: Promoter, MN: Man)
GK: ...after this word from our sponsor, The Wellco Nasal Staple.
PM: Are you tired of that dirty, filthy habit?
MN: What dirty, filthy habit?
PM: Nose picking.
MN. Oh. Yes, I am.
PM: You are a nose picker, sir?
MN: Yes.
PM: I notice you bite your nails, too.
MN: Yeah, well, you have to if you're a nose picker. Can't let them grow to long. A friend of mine let his nails grow, then he punctured his brain while picking his nose.
PM: Have you tried to stop, sir?
MN: Yes.
PM: How?
MN: I tried wearing heavy work gloves all the time. That worked for a while, but it interfered with my job.
PM: What is your job, sir?
MN: I'm a needle threader.
PM: I see. What else have you tried?
MN: Oh, the usual, nose plugs, cotton balls, duct tape. Even Boogers Anonymous. But nothing works.
PM: Lament no more, sir. Wellco presents the Nasal Staple.
MN: How does it work?
PM: Wellco has taken the proven technology of stomach stapling and applied it to the needs of nose pickers. We quickly and safely staple your nostrils to half their normal size making it impossible for a finger to make its way in. And, voila, no more nose picking. Yes, the Wellco Nose Staple can help you drop nose picking like a bad habit. In just days you can go from this...
MN: I'm a nose picker.
PM: To this:
MN: (very nasal) I'm not a nose picker any more! Thanks to Wellco.
PM: That's the Wellco Nasal Staple System. From the makers of Finger-tip brand deodorant and the Ear-Waxer. Consult your doctor and see if Nasal Staples are right for you.
MN: (very nasal) It worked for me, and my kids think it's a bold fashion statement!
end
GK: ...after this word from our sponsor, The Wellco Nasal Staple.
PM: Are you tired of that dirty, filthy habit?
MN: What dirty, filthy habit?
PM: Nose picking.
MN. Oh. Yes, I am.
PM: You are a nose picker, sir?
MN: Yes.
PM: I notice you bite your nails, too.
MN: Yeah, well, you have to if you're a nose picker. Can't let them grow to long. A friend of mine let his nails grow, then he punctured his brain while picking his nose.
PM: Have you tried to stop, sir?
MN: Yes.
PM: How?
MN: I tried wearing heavy work gloves all the time. That worked for a while, but it interfered with my job.
PM: What is your job, sir?
MN: I'm a needle threader.
PM: I see. What else have you tried?
MN: Oh, the usual, nose plugs, cotton balls, duct tape. Even Boogers Anonymous. But nothing works.
PM: Lament no more, sir. Wellco presents the Nasal Staple.
MN: How does it work?
PM: Wellco has taken the proven technology of stomach stapling and applied it to the needs of nose pickers. We quickly and safely staple your nostrils to half their normal size making it impossible for a finger to make its way in. And, voila, no more nose picking. Yes, the Wellco Nose Staple can help you drop nose picking like a bad habit. In just days you can go from this...
MN: I'm a nose picker.
PM: To this:
MN: (very nasal) I'm not a nose picker any more! Thanks to Wellco.
PM: That's the Wellco Nasal Staple System. From the makers of Finger-tip brand deodorant and the Ear-Waxer. Consult your doctor and see if Nasal Staples are right for you.
MN: (very nasal) It worked for me, and my kids think it's a bold fashion statement!
end
