From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is just one of those brief bits I wrote, kinda built around a "catch phrase." With insurances companies trying to undersell each other, it seemed ripe for parody. E-insurance companies were becoming a thing that presented themselves as a way to save money since they didn't have the over-head of traditional companies, what with their brick & mortar buildings, phones and desks. They just needed a website and a cubicle full of outsourced operators (they've since been bought up by the brick & mortar companies). Just a silly piece of fun that PHC didn't pick up...
Near State Insurance
(GK, TR, SS, OP: Operator)
GK: And now a word from our sponsor, Near State Insurance.
TR: Are your insurance premiums out of control?
SS: I'll say!
TR: Then come over to Near State Insurance. We'll be able to help you.
SS: Sounds good. What's your website?
TR: We don't have one of those high falutin' websites. We don't spend a fortune on fancy computers and we pass the savings onto you.
SS: Oh. Well, can I call your toll-free number?
TR: Are you kidding? You know how much those toll-free numbers cost? So, siree, we don't have toll-free numbers and we pass the savings onto you.
SS: And you'll be able to save me a lot of money?
TR: Mucho dinero.
SS: Mucho?
TR: Si, because our company is staffed by many illegal Mexican immigrants who we pay ridiculously low wages.
SS: That doesn't seem fair.
TR: And we pass the savings onto you.
SS: Oh. Okay, then.
TR: Yes, we at Near State, by keeping operational costs low and using certain imaginative accounting practices, are able to offer our customers the lowest insurance rates on the planet. Call us weekdays between two and four and see if you don't agree.
SS: I'll do it.
(phone dials)
OP: (recording)Welcome to Near State. Your call is very important to us, please hold until the next available customer service representative is available.
TR: Sure it'll probably take a while since we've only got the one guy manning the phone but the savings will be worth it.
GK: Near State Insurance, with rates so low, you know we're cutting corners somewhere.
end
GK: And now a word from our sponsor, Near State Insurance.
TR: Are your insurance premiums out of control?
SS: I'll say!
TR: Then come over to Near State Insurance. We'll be able to help you.
SS: Sounds good. What's your website?
TR: We don't have one of those high falutin' websites. We don't spend a fortune on fancy computers and we pass the savings onto you.
SS: Oh. Well, can I call your toll-free number?
TR: Are you kidding? You know how much those toll-free numbers cost? So, siree, we don't have toll-free numbers and we pass the savings onto you.
SS: And you'll be able to save me a lot of money?
TR: Mucho dinero.
SS: Mucho?
TR: Si, because our company is staffed by many illegal Mexican immigrants who we pay ridiculously low wages.
SS: That doesn't seem fair.
TR: And we pass the savings onto you.
SS: Oh. Okay, then.
TR: Yes, we at Near State, by keeping operational costs low and using certain imaginative accounting practices, are able to offer our customers the lowest insurance rates on the planet. Call us weekdays between two and four and see if you don't agree.
SS: I'll do it.
(phone dials)
OP: (recording)Welcome to Near State. Your call is very important to us, please hold until the next available customer service representative is available.
TR: Sure it'll probably take a while since we've only got the one guy manning the phone but the savings will be worth it.
GK: Near State Insurance, with rates so low, you know we're cutting corners somewhere.
end
As it turns out, this was one of those bits I could repurpose. I submitted to to TMI: Hollywood years later and (with some over-writing and under-rehearsal) they produced it. And talk about beating a catch-phrase into the ground. Yikes!
