From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is a recycled bit, built up out of multiple sources. As I mention elsewhere I had written a sketch about the gods on Mt. Olympus. I really was proud of it. So, naturally, I decided to dust it off and submit it to PHC. The sketch itself lifted a couple of bits from a prose piece I did, Lessor Known Gods, which got published in the Staten Island Advance and a fanzine I worked on once (there's a series of blog posts waiting to happen!). Re-reading it now, I can see why it was rejected. It's too much. Too many people. I thought radio was magical and there were no limits, but I have since learned that radio producers still don't like "big casts" even if the performers can do several voices. It's a little too esoteric: I still bounce around with the writers guild issue of no pay for internet content, as if that would appeal to or be recognized by a general audience. It's a strong piece, but the wrong venue. But this is how I act toward gigs, I fling everything at it them, desperate to make a connection. I'd like to think I've resisted that urge better lately, but look at me posting all this stuff on my blog? What's THAT about?
MT. OLYMPUS
(AN: Announcer, HR: HERA, AP: APHRODITE, ZS:ZEUS,
CT; CENTUAR, PD: Poseidon, MS: MUSE, OD: Oedipus)
AN: It was a time of heros and heroines. A time of gods and goddesses. The immortals imposed their will on the earth below and all were slaves to their whim. Join us now as we present another episode of "Upon Olympus"...
HR: (singing) On top of Olympus, all covered with cheese---
ZS: Hera! Will you knock it off, I'm trying to work here.
HR: Sorry, Zeus. Any news on the walk-out?
ZS: No news, nothing, not a word. Walk out. Who would ever think the Muses would go on strike? Ungrateful daughters. I can't believe it. It's your fault, wife. You spoiled them rotten.
HR: Well, my husband, I think it's more than that. I heard some things. They were a little ticked off about that Homer incident.
ZS: What? They got their due for helping him with "The Oddessy."
HR: Yes, but they're upset by the fact that Homer turned it into a play and they got zilch.
ZS: Was that my fault? Who even heard of theater? Zounds. Greek plays, what a tragedy.
HR: The Muses are annoyed that it's labeled "A play by Homer" and they should be compensated.
ZS: Compensated, shmopensated. Have you finished the contingency list?
HR: I'm working on it.
ZS: Look, I have to make some sort of show to the Spartans. Get them to stop slaughtering the innocents. I worked this out myself without those Muses. Tell me what you think. First, the clouds grow dark. The earth trembles. A few thunderbolts. Then I roar, "Cut that out, you" Well?
HR: Is this something that has to be done immediately?
ZS: Well, no, not right away, nothing urgent. Except, of course, to the innocents.
HR: I'd wait.
ZS: I'm going to try another draft. Let me see that list.
HR: Here you go. Good luck, Zeus. I'll be up in my mount if you need me.
ZS: Fine, fine. Let's see what we have here...
AP: Hi, Zeus.
ZS: Oh, Aphrodite, hi.
AP: What are you up to?
ZS: I'm working on the substitute deity list. Trying to get some of the lesser gods to step in for the striking Muses.
AP: Your daughters, ever the rebels. Who you got?
ZS: Well. there's Pam---
AP: You mean Pan.
ZS: No, Pam, goddess of non-stick cooking. And there's Milo, god of rocks.
AP: God of rocks? Why would anyone want to be god of rocks?
ZS; You'd have to know Milo. Then there's Herculon, god of plush carpeting.
AP: I've never heard of these guys. How did they get jobs like that?
ZS: All the glamour jobs were taken. If the strike drags on, we may have to bus in other gods, Thor, Bachus, Ra, and his wife, Her-Ra.
AP: Oh, oh, Here comes Centaur.
(HORSE HOOVES)
CT: (sweetly)Hi there, Aphrodite. (cold) Hello, Zeus.
DEITIES: Hello.
CT: Lovely day for a stroll.
AP: Isn't it, though?
(HOOVES FADE)
ZS: Zounds, He's still mad at me over that whole bareback incident.
AP: You think?
ZS: He flipped his hoof at me. It was an accident. I'm immortal, not infallible. You try to apologize to the guy, but Centaur's as stubborn as a mule.
AP: I think he's hot. I wouldn't mind him putting his horseshoes under my temple, if you know what I mean. He's hung like a---
ZS: That's more than I needed to know.
AP: What a grouch. Who stuck a thunderbolt up your behind?
ZS: Excuse me. I thought you and Achilles were together.
AP: I broke it off with Achilles. What a heel. Almost as bad as that other clown, Narcissus. He was so full of himself, you know? He's so, so, narcissistic.
ZS: Yeah. well . I think that's the point---
AP: Oh, Zeus, look, here come your girls. I'd better be going. See you later.
HR: Bye. Watch the picket line on your way out.
MS: We need to talk, Dad.
ZS: Well, well, look what the Minotaur dragged in. You come back begging for your jobs?
MS: Look, Dad, you don't want us on strike, we don't want to strike. Are you ready to talk?
ZS: Well, we don't need you. We've got replacements. Good, hard-working gods like, like...Like Milo.
(laughter)
MS: Yeah, right, dad. Maybe he'll came up with other exciting phrases like, "Hey, stop that, you!"
ZS: I am not amused.
MS: No, I am! Ha! Look, Pop, this theater thing the mortals have going is really hot. We should be getting credit for it. We got really burned bad on that whole Hercules-Xena spin-off deal. We've worked out a contract here to cover all of it.
ZS: Let me see that. Hrmuph. "Royalties for epic poems, prose, theatrical works and--" What's this? "All manner of reproduction and public exhibition in existence and to be invented, all rights domestic and foreign--?" Foreign? What foreign? Greece is the known world!
MS: We hear things, Dad. This Alexander the Great guy is really cooking. They say he's really, you know, great. It could be big. Anyway, that's what we want.
ZS: This is an outrage ! Why I should--- I mean--- You little---
MS: Yo, pop, you should take it. You want to be know as Zeus, the god of stammer?
ZS: Oh, all right. Maybe we can work it out. I just want this one clause inserted.
MS: "...excluding the Internet." What's the Internet?
ZS: Just some legal term.
MS: Okay, we'll sign. But you better not pull anything.
ZS: What would I possibly pull?
MS: Oh, sure. I heard about Prometheus. I don't want anything pecking at my liver any time soon.
ZS: Whatever. Just get back to work. Here, I need this speech, er, you know,
MS: Pronto? ASAP? Yesterday? Now?
ZS: Yeah, yeah. Nobody likes a show-off, young lady.
MS: Smite me!
ZS: Hera! Did you hear the way she spoke to me?
HR: Well, they don't call it the Golden Age for nothin'.
AN: Tune in next time to UPON OLYMPUS when we hear Oedipus say:
OD: That was no lady, that was my mom!
AN: That's next time on UPON OLYMPUS.
END
CT; CENTUAR, PD: Poseidon, MS: MUSE, OD: Oedipus)
AN: It was a time of heros and heroines. A time of gods and goddesses. The immortals imposed their will on the earth below and all were slaves to their whim. Join us now as we present another episode of "Upon Olympus"...
HR: (singing) On top of Olympus, all covered with cheese---
ZS: Hera! Will you knock it off, I'm trying to work here.
HR: Sorry, Zeus. Any news on the walk-out?
ZS: No news, nothing, not a word. Walk out. Who would ever think the Muses would go on strike? Ungrateful daughters. I can't believe it. It's your fault, wife. You spoiled them rotten.
HR: Well, my husband, I think it's more than that. I heard some things. They were a little ticked off about that Homer incident.
ZS: What? They got their due for helping him with "The Oddessy."
HR: Yes, but they're upset by the fact that Homer turned it into a play and they got zilch.
ZS: Was that my fault? Who even heard of theater? Zounds. Greek plays, what a tragedy.
HR: The Muses are annoyed that it's labeled "A play by Homer" and they should be compensated.
ZS: Compensated, shmopensated. Have you finished the contingency list?
HR: I'm working on it.
ZS: Look, I have to make some sort of show to the Spartans. Get them to stop slaughtering the innocents. I worked this out myself without those Muses. Tell me what you think. First, the clouds grow dark. The earth trembles. A few thunderbolts. Then I roar, "Cut that out, you" Well?
HR: Is this something that has to be done immediately?
ZS: Well, no, not right away, nothing urgent. Except, of course, to the innocents.
HR: I'd wait.
ZS: I'm going to try another draft. Let me see that list.
HR: Here you go. Good luck, Zeus. I'll be up in my mount if you need me.
ZS: Fine, fine. Let's see what we have here...
AP: Hi, Zeus.
ZS: Oh, Aphrodite, hi.
AP: What are you up to?
ZS: I'm working on the substitute deity list. Trying to get some of the lesser gods to step in for the striking Muses.
AP: Your daughters, ever the rebels. Who you got?
ZS: Well. there's Pam---
AP: You mean Pan.
ZS: No, Pam, goddess of non-stick cooking. And there's Milo, god of rocks.
AP: God of rocks? Why would anyone want to be god of rocks?
ZS; You'd have to know Milo. Then there's Herculon, god of plush carpeting.
AP: I've never heard of these guys. How did they get jobs like that?
ZS: All the glamour jobs were taken. If the strike drags on, we may have to bus in other gods, Thor, Bachus, Ra, and his wife, Her-Ra.
AP: Oh, oh, Here comes Centaur.
(HORSE HOOVES)
CT: (sweetly)Hi there, Aphrodite. (cold) Hello, Zeus.
DEITIES: Hello.
CT: Lovely day for a stroll.
AP: Isn't it, though?
(HOOVES FADE)
ZS: Zounds, He's still mad at me over that whole bareback incident.
AP: You think?
ZS: He flipped his hoof at me. It was an accident. I'm immortal, not infallible. You try to apologize to the guy, but Centaur's as stubborn as a mule.
AP: I think he's hot. I wouldn't mind him putting his horseshoes under my temple, if you know what I mean. He's hung like a---
ZS: That's more than I needed to know.
AP: What a grouch. Who stuck a thunderbolt up your behind?
ZS: Excuse me. I thought you and Achilles were together.
AP: I broke it off with Achilles. What a heel. Almost as bad as that other clown, Narcissus. He was so full of himself, you know? He's so, so, narcissistic.
ZS: Yeah. well . I think that's the point---
AP: Oh, Zeus, look, here come your girls. I'd better be going. See you later.
HR: Bye. Watch the picket line on your way out.
MS: We need to talk, Dad.
ZS: Well, well, look what the Minotaur dragged in. You come back begging for your jobs?
MS: Look, Dad, you don't want us on strike, we don't want to strike. Are you ready to talk?
ZS: Well, we don't need you. We've got replacements. Good, hard-working gods like, like...Like Milo.
(laughter)
MS: Yeah, right, dad. Maybe he'll came up with other exciting phrases like, "Hey, stop that, you!"
ZS: I am not amused.
MS: No, I am! Ha! Look, Pop, this theater thing the mortals have going is really hot. We should be getting credit for it. We got really burned bad on that whole Hercules-Xena spin-off deal. We've worked out a contract here to cover all of it.
ZS: Let me see that. Hrmuph. "Royalties for epic poems, prose, theatrical works and--" What's this? "All manner of reproduction and public exhibition in existence and to be invented, all rights domestic and foreign--?" Foreign? What foreign? Greece is the known world!
MS: We hear things, Dad. This Alexander the Great guy is really cooking. They say he's really, you know, great. It could be big. Anyway, that's what we want.
ZS: This is an outrage ! Why I should--- I mean--- You little---
MS: Yo, pop, you should take it. You want to be know as Zeus, the god of stammer?
ZS: Oh, all right. Maybe we can work it out. I just want this one clause inserted.
MS: "...excluding the Internet." What's the Internet?
ZS: Just some legal term.
MS: Okay, we'll sign. But you better not pull anything.
ZS: What would I possibly pull?
MS: Oh, sure. I heard about Prometheus. I don't want anything pecking at my liver any time soon.
ZS: Whatever. Just get back to work. Here, I need this speech, er, you know,
MS: Pronto? ASAP? Yesterday? Now?
ZS: Yeah, yeah. Nobody likes a show-off, young lady.
MS: Smite me!
ZS: Hera! Did you hear the way she spoke to me?
HR: Well, they don't call it the Golden Age for nothin'.
AN: Tune in next time to UPON OLYMPUS when we hear Oedipus say:
OD: That was no lady, that was my mom!
AN: That's next time on UPON OLYMPUS.
END
