Producer Christine Tschida's instructions to freelance writers who hope to get their material on the show: "Garrison does almost everything himself. If he uses a couple of your ideas, you probably won't recognize them. Don't give us anything to do with pop culture because Garrison won't know who you're talking about. The man does not watch TV."
And this is one of those pieces that in no way could be recycled or re-worked for any other venue. This piece has not seen the light of day since it was submitted oh-so-long ago. Probably with good reason...
Now this is the season where the nights grow short
The leaves get turned, red, yellow and brown
And the weather gets cold and the frost does snap
So I'll tell you all about it with my Minnesota Rap
and my homies go "oh ye-ah, you bet"
In North Minnesota, land of lakes
all the people and land are free from quakes
Ice-fishing, football missions, all cool;
ladies baking some cookies special for the school
and Powdermilk biscuits and you know they're good
Delicious, nutritious, expeditious: best in the 'hood
Bachelor dirt farmers still harvesting their wheat
and how about a slice of Rhubarb pie which can't be beat.
"Oh, ye-ah, you bet"
And the man are strong and the women are pretty
And kiddies are 'bove all those kids in the city
Got Larry-dot-com online, got Jesse on tap
So it must be time for my Minnesota Rap.
"Oh, yeah, you bet"
Guy Noir is on the job, solving the case
and a note from the Ketchup Board will show up soonest
Got me some duct tape, so you needn't flap
Laying down tracks for my Minnesota Rap.