From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
One of the problems with being a freelance writer, far from the production people & having spent a year not knowing what exactly the people in charge are looking for, is that you tend to "try stuff" just to stand out. Now, I knew Garrison Keillor had no real connection with pop culture. I even found a quote stating that in the 6/14, 1998 issue of the Washington Post:
Producer Christine Tschida's instructions to freelance writers who hope to get their material on the show: "Garrison does almost everything himself. If he uses a couple of your ideas, you probably won't recognize them. Don't give us anything to do with pop culture because Garrison won't know who you're talking about. The man does not watch TV."
So, what would be more logical than to submit a rap song? Hey, I had tried a whole bunch of things, writing to established bits and characters, sequels and follow-ups to sketches of mine that had been produced as well pseudo-intellectual gibberish disguised as monologues. None of it worked. So, coming up to the first show of the 2000-2001 season, I wrote a rap. My entire knowledge of rap comes from the opening credits of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." But the idea of Minnesotans rapping was just too goofy to resist. For me, not the people at PHC. They resisted the bit easily. I just submitted it as a rap, no set-up, no announcement of having a new theme song, just like a cold opening, which the show didn't do.
And this is one of those pieces that in no way could be recycled or re-worked for any other venue. This piece has not seen the light of day since it was submitted oh-so-long ago. Probably with good reason...
And this is one of those pieces that in no way could be recycled or re-worked for any other venue. This piece has not seen the light of day since it was submitted oh-so-long ago. Probably with good reason...
Minnesota Rap
(record scratching sounds can be made by the performers wearing parkas, zipping the zipper up and down)
Now this is the season where the nights grow short
The leaves get turned, red, yellow and brown
And the weather gets cold and the frost does snap
So I'll tell you all about it with my Minnesota Rap
and my homies go "oh ye-ah, you bet"
In North Minnesota, land of lakes
all the people and land are free from quakes
Ice-fishing, football missions, all cool;
ladies baking some cookies special for the school
and Powdermilk biscuits and you know they're good
Delicious, nutritious, expeditious: best in the 'hood
Bachelor dirt farmers still harvesting their wheat
and how about a slice of Rhubarb pie which can't be beat.
"Oh, ye-ah, you bet"
And the man are strong and the women are pretty
And kiddies are 'bove all those kids in the city
Got Larry-dot-com online, got Jesse on tap
So it must be time for my Minnesota Rap.
"Oh, yeah, you bet"
Guy Noir is on the job, solving the case
and a note from the Ketchup Board will show up soonest
Got me some duct tape, so you needn't flap
Laying down tracks for my Minnesota Rap.
Now this is the season where the nights grow short
The leaves get turned, red, yellow and brown
And the weather gets cold and the frost does snap
So I'll tell you all about it with my Minnesota Rap
and my homies go "oh ye-ah, you bet"
In North Minnesota, land of lakes
all the people and land are free from quakes
Ice-fishing, football missions, all cool;
ladies baking some cookies special for the school
and Powdermilk biscuits and you know they're good
Delicious, nutritious, expeditious: best in the 'hood
Bachelor dirt farmers still harvesting their wheat
and how about a slice of Rhubarb pie which can't be beat.
"Oh, ye-ah, you bet"
And the man are strong and the women are pretty
And kiddies are 'bove all those kids in the city
Got Larry-dot-com online, got Jesse on tap
So it must be time for my Minnesota Rap.
"Oh, yeah, you bet"
Guy Noir is on the job, solving the case
and a note from the Ketchup Board will show up soonest
Got me some duct tape, so you needn't flap
Laying down tracks for my Minnesota Rap.
