From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
It was the start of the 2003-2004 season. I would usually try to submit something that would point out some of the changes that had occurred over the summer. And what would be more unlike NPR than having NPR buy out a couple of big companies? Anyway, the sketch is actually based on my Wall Street experience. The company I worked for bought another company, but we took on their name. And for that reason, all these hot-shot Wall Street guys treated us like they took over us. They were a nasty, snobby group and I found it hard to deal with them. So, to vent, I wrote this for PHC. I was probably risking some wrath bad mouthing my employers (as I am now, no doubt) but I had to get this out of my system. Basically, I was mocking 2 particular people who were not adjusting to their new employment situation very well.
I was hoping to get this out, but PHC didn't use it, so it just continued to eat away at me to this day...
I was hoping to get this out, but PHC didn't use it, so it just continued to eat away at me to this day...
Merger
GK, MV: Moe Vile, JW: Judith Worstein)
GK: As you may be aware, there have been some changes due to our recent mergers. We took over Oogletech.com and MegaOil Corp. this summer. I have to admit, both companies were surprised, but then, that's our style, striking out of the blue. That being said, we now have a lot of new personnel on board, helping put together our show now, Like Mr. Moe Vile.
MV: That's "Va-lay." There's an accent there.
GK: Sorry Moe. And what is it you'll be doing?
MV: I'll be overseeing the scripts, lining up guests, helping build the sets and be in charge of pointing when it's your cue.
GK: That's quite a bit.
MV: That's what the director of production does.
GK: I've never heard that title before. I mean, we have a director and we have a producer---
MV: It's a title I've created for myself. I'll be overseeing pretty much every aspect of the show now. Hopefully we'll be able to drag you up to the standards I'm accustom to. Like these scripts...
GK: What about them?
MV: I think you need to change your literary tone. I don't think it's very professional. We'll have to adopt a more business-like tone.
GK: Just to remind you, we bought your company.
MV: What? Is that how you talk to your director of production? Do you think that's funny? Is that a joke of some kind that I'm not getting? Because I'm not seeing the humor in this. You people around here are going to start getting your acts together pretty quick, or I'll be making some big changes. Maybe this kind of nonsense used to fly before, but no more. And if you try anything like that again, I'll have your job.
(door slam)
GK: Moe Vile, our new director of production.
MV: That's "Va-lay."
GK: Of course, we're still in a transition phase as our latest subsidiaries get acclimated to their new surroundings. With us now is Judith Worstein, one of our new secretaries.
JW: Administrative assistant.
GK: Sorry. Thanks for joining us.
JW: You're welcome. But I do have some questions.
GK: Yes, Judith.
JW: Well, at Oogletech.com we had these word processors where you would speak into them and they would type up your letter for you and then you'd push a button and it would fold the letter up, put it in an envelope and mail it.
GK: Sounds very advanced.
JW: Like version 8.0 advanced. Now, these computers here, I don't understand how they work.
GK: That's because they're typewriters. You hit each key to make it print on the paper.
JW: Keys? What are keys?
GK: You're a secretary and you don't know how to type?
JW: Administrative assistant. And I do know how to type. On the right kind of hardware.
GK: Our hardware don't get much harder than this. It's pretty much all we have.
JW: You need some serious upgrading. You know you actually have to walk to a copier around here and push some buttons to make it work?
GK: We're public radio. There's not a lot in the budget for upgrading.
JW: How long do you expect to operate like this?
GK: It's going on 30 years so far.
JW: This is lunacy! People can't be expected to work under these conditions!
(door slams)
GK: Nonetheless, we're expecting big things this season, so stay tuned to the Prairie Home Oogletech-Mega Oil Companion, a subsidiary of Prairie Home Industries.
end
GK: As you may be aware, there have been some changes due to our recent mergers. We took over Oogletech.com and MegaOil Corp. this summer. I have to admit, both companies were surprised, but then, that's our style, striking out of the blue. That being said, we now have a lot of new personnel on board, helping put together our show now, Like Mr. Moe Vile.
MV: That's "Va-lay." There's an accent there.
GK: Sorry Moe. And what is it you'll be doing?
MV: I'll be overseeing the scripts, lining up guests, helping build the sets and be in charge of pointing when it's your cue.
GK: That's quite a bit.
MV: That's what the director of production does.
GK: I've never heard that title before. I mean, we have a director and we have a producer---
MV: It's a title I've created for myself. I'll be overseeing pretty much every aspect of the show now. Hopefully we'll be able to drag you up to the standards I'm accustom to. Like these scripts...
GK: What about them?
MV: I think you need to change your literary tone. I don't think it's very professional. We'll have to adopt a more business-like tone.
GK: Just to remind you, we bought your company.
MV: What? Is that how you talk to your director of production? Do you think that's funny? Is that a joke of some kind that I'm not getting? Because I'm not seeing the humor in this. You people around here are going to start getting your acts together pretty quick, or I'll be making some big changes. Maybe this kind of nonsense used to fly before, but no more. And if you try anything like that again, I'll have your job.
(door slam)
GK: Moe Vile, our new director of production.
MV: That's "Va-lay."
GK: Of course, we're still in a transition phase as our latest subsidiaries get acclimated to their new surroundings. With us now is Judith Worstein, one of our new secretaries.
JW: Administrative assistant.
GK: Sorry. Thanks for joining us.
JW: You're welcome. But I do have some questions.
GK: Yes, Judith.
JW: Well, at Oogletech.com we had these word processors where you would speak into them and they would type up your letter for you and then you'd push a button and it would fold the letter up, put it in an envelope and mail it.
GK: Sounds very advanced.
JW: Like version 8.0 advanced. Now, these computers here, I don't understand how they work.
GK: That's because they're typewriters. You hit each key to make it print on the paper.
JW: Keys? What are keys?
GK: You're a secretary and you don't know how to type?
JW: Administrative assistant. And I do know how to type. On the right kind of hardware.
GK: Our hardware don't get much harder than this. It's pretty much all we have.
JW: You need some serious upgrading. You know you actually have to walk to a copier around here and push some buttons to make it work?
GK: We're public radio. There's not a lot in the budget for upgrading.
JW: How long do you expect to operate like this?
GK: It's going on 30 years so far.
JW: This is lunacy! People can't be expected to work under these conditions!
(door slams)
GK: Nonetheless, we're expecting big things this season, so stay tuned to the Prairie Home Oogletech-Mega Oil Companion, a subsidiary of Prairie Home Industries.
end
