From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Yet, I was pulling out material from my Christmas catalogue of comedy. This was originally a prose piece that I posted at Themestream.com and other "pay-per-click" sites, and decided to attempt to adapt it into a radio sketch. It came out okay at best. A lot of topical humor for a PHC bit, with references to Enron energy crook Ken Lay, and PETA while the original had even more of those. There's a couple of double entendres that probably didn't help my cause but it was so short it would be over before you had a chance to get offended. So, it was a pass from PHC. If I ever find the original prose, I'll have to post it around here.
Letters from Santa
GK: Later on most of these public radio stations, it's that annual holiday treat, "Letters FROM Santa."
(pretty holiday music under)
SC: Dear Tommy, You may think you were a good boy but we know better, don't we? I mean, really, after what you did to your aunt's goldfish, did you really think you were getting a snowboard? No, my boy. You'll be getting a lot of underwear this year. And every morning as you get dressed, you'll remember Aunt Linda's goldfish.
SC: Dear Cynthia: I appreciate your concern for my health, but sweetie, it's cookies and milk or nothing. If I find yogurt or carrot sticks or tofu left out for me, you can
kiss your Rock & Roll Barbie good-bye.
SC: Dear George W,: Really, I thought you realized that after the election, you wouldn't be getting any other presents for a long while. Just count and re-count your blessings. And, yes, I will be watching you with "intensistiscity."
GK: While everyone knows about sending letters TO Santa, few realize that he response to practically every letter he gets. Usually during the warm weather down time.
SC: Dear Mrs. Robinson: Yes, it's true, I'm a saint. But I didn't start out as one, if you catch my meaning. And while flattered that you like the way I "fill out my suit," I am married. And way too busy.
SC: Dear PETA: It's not real fur, so get off my case, already. And the reindeer are fine. You think they could fly if they were abused? Why don't you go back to interfering with a cure for cancer and leave me alone?
SC: Sure, sure, Jane, you can stop believing in me but I'll tell you something, getting presents by Federal Express won't rock your world. You'll miss me, more than you know.
GK: Yes, he's got a mailing list and he's checking it twice, so relax, kick back and hear the Big Red vent on various topics.
SC: Dear Kenneth Lay: Hey, Kenny boy, I got a nice source of energy you can trade. How about some coal? Lumps and lumps of it. Enjoy.
SC: I'm not sure about getting you a puppy, Jimmy. the hamster didn't work out to well, after all. Did you ever find that hamster, Jimmy? I'll give you a hint; look behind the refrigerator.
SC: Yes, Virginia, I am real but stop whining about it. You want presents? Then instead of sitting around waiting for me to schlep them to you, go out, get a job and earn some money. You're a drag on the economy, kid.
GK: Letters from Santa, tonight on your radio.
end
(pretty holiday music under)
SC: Dear Tommy, You may think you were a good boy but we know better, don't we? I mean, really, after what you did to your aunt's goldfish, did you really think you were getting a snowboard? No, my boy. You'll be getting a lot of underwear this year. And every morning as you get dressed, you'll remember Aunt Linda's goldfish.
SC: Dear Cynthia: I appreciate your concern for my health, but sweetie, it's cookies and milk or nothing. If I find yogurt or carrot sticks or tofu left out for me, you can
kiss your Rock & Roll Barbie good-bye.
SC: Dear George W,: Really, I thought you realized that after the election, you wouldn't be getting any other presents for a long while. Just count and re-count your blessings. And, yes, I will be watching you with "intensistiscity."
GK: While everyone knows about sending letters TO Santa, few realize that he response to practically every letter he gets. Usually during the warm weather down time.
SC: Dear Mrs. Robinson: Yes, it's true, I'm a saint. But I didn't start out as one, if you catch my meaning. And while flattered that you like the way I "fill out my suit," I am married. And way too busy.
SC: Dear PETA: It's not real fur, so get off my case, already. And the reindeer are fine. You think they could fly if they were abused? Why don't you go back to interfering with a cure for cancer and leave me alone?
SC: Sure, sure, Jane, you can stop believing in me but I'll tell you something, getting presents by Federal Express won't rock your world. You'll miss me, more than you know.
GK: Yes, he's got a mailing list and he's checking it twice, so relax, kick back and hear the Big Red vent on various topics.
SC: Dear Kenneth Lay: Hey, Kenny boy, I got a nice source of energy you can trade. How about some coal? Lumps and lumps of it. Enjoy.
SC: I'm not sure about getting you a puppy, Jimmy. the hamster didn't work out to well, after all. Did you ever find that hamster, Jimmy? I'll give you a hint; look behind the refrigerator.
SC: Yes, Virginia, I am real but stop whining about it. You want presents? Then instead of sitting around waiting for me to schlep them to you, go out, get a job and earn some money. You're a drag on the economy, kid.
GK: Letters from Santa, tonight on your radio.
end
