From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Once more I attempted to submit a sketch into one of their regular features and tying it into the Halloween season. I did several of these ketchup ads over the years and I often recycled some of the opening monologues from a previous one, then added a new one. I would keep using ones that I was fond of figuring no one had heard any of them yet, so I can just paste it in. They were never heard. And they were not sketches I could submit elsewhere, so they died on the vine, the ketchup vine.
Oh, you can still buy my book, to help you re-live your fondest Halloween memories. Get you copy here.
I actually used to go through the kids candy each Halloween night and extract the lesser sweets and bring them to work, where my co-workers descended on the candy bowl like locust. Hey, free candy. It was a tradition for a long time. Many of my co-workers would approach me Halloween week and ask, "Are you going to bring in candy after Halloween?" and I often replied, "No, my kids are in their twenties now. They don't trick-or-treat anymore. I haven't done that for years! Where have you been? Go back to the cage." People hate to lose out on free candy.
Oh, you can still buy my book, to help you re-live your fondest Halloween memories. Get you copy here.
I actually used to go through the kids candy each Halloween night and extract the lesser sweets and bring them to work, where my co-workers descended on the candy bowl like locust. Hey, free candy. It was a tradition for a long time. Many of my co-workers would approach me Halloween week and ask, "Are you going to bring in candy after Halloween?" and I often replied, "No, my kids are in their twenties now. They don't trick-or-treat anymore. I haven't done that for years! Where have you been? Go back to the cage." People hate to lose out on free candy.
Ketchup Advisory Board
(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: Tonight's show brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. The city recently declared our building a historical site, so we're able to charge admission fees whenever anyone visits. Then it turned out that the "Matrix" movies were based on the deluded ramblings of my father, so now we're owed a bit of that action and our oldest son somehow got it in his head that he was adopted and is now off searching for his biological parents. So, I was a little wary when I found Barb stressing out in the kitchen.
TR: What are you doing, Barb?
SS: I'm sorting the kid's Halloween candy, keeping what's safe and healthy, and putting the stuff no body likes in this bag.
TR: And then?
SS: Then you take it to work like you always do.
TR: My co-workers do enjoy second-hand candy.
SS: I can't believe what some people hand out. Look at these no-frills lollipops. And bags of black jelly beans? Banana taffy? What are they thinking?
TR: Why are you getting so upset?
SS: Halloween isn't about scrimping. It's about getting miniature versions of your favorite chocolate bars. I wish other people put as much thought into what they give out as treats as I do.
TR: What did you give out, Barb?
SS: Packets of ketchup.
TR: Oh. That explains all the eggs and toilet paper on the front of the house, then.
SS: Don't you see, ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that can counteract a severe sugar-rush. And it's a lot healthier than these caramel-coated jelly donuts. I have half a mind to return everyone of these things back to the houses that gave them. I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard to trace it back. I'll go wake the kids...
TR: Somebody needs some ketchup.
SS: Oh, Jim.
RD: These are the good years, best since we're born.
A new day is dawning, a lot less forlorn.
The river flowing, like ketchup on candy corn.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup...ketchup...
end
GK: Tonight's show brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. The city recently declared our building a historical site, so we're able to charge admission fees whenever anyone visits. Then it turned out that the "Matrix" movies were based on the deluded ramblings of my father, so now we're owed a bit of that action and our oldest son somehow got it in his head that he was adopted and is now off searching for his biological parents. So, I was a little wary when I found Barb stressing out in the kitchen.
TR: What are you doing, Barb?
SS: I'm sorting the kid's Halloween candy, keeping what's safe and healthy, and putting the stuff no body likes in this bag.
TR: And then?
SS: Then you take it to work like you always do.
TR: My co-workers do enjoy second-hand candy.
SS: I can't believe what some people hand out. Look at these no-frills lollipops. And bags of black jelly beans? Banana taffy? What are they thinking?
TR: Why are you getting so upset?
SS: Halloween isn't about scrimping. It's about getting miniature versions of your favorite chocolate bars. I wish other people put as much thought into what they give out as treats as I do.
TR: What did you give out, Barb?
SS: Packets of ketchup.
TR: Oh. That explains all the eggs and toilet paper on the front of the house, then.
SS: Don't you see, ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that can counteract a severe sugar-rush. And it's a lot healthier than these caramel-coated jelly donuts. I have half a mind to return everyone of these things back to the houses that gave them. I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard to trace it back. I'll go wake the kids...
TR: Somebody needs some ketchup.
SS: Oh, Jim.
RD: These are the good years, best since we're born.
A new day is dawning, a lot less forlorn.
The river flowing, like ketchup on candy corn.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup...ketchup...
end
