Ketchup Advisory Board
Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: Tonight's show brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. We got the settlement check from the Ron Popeil Company for that freak Kitchen Magician accident a few years back. The guys down at the office finally stopped accusing me of stealing the winning lottery tickets from the office pool when I was out sick that time and the kids somehow got it in their heads that they were adopted and are off searching for their biological parents. So I was surprised to see Barb in such a dither...
SS: I can't believe it! I can't!
TR: What is it, Barb?
SS: You know that group I was fund raising for?
TR: The one that recorded the song "We are the MidEast?"
SS: Yes, that's the one.
TR: What about it?
SS: The FBI just arrested the head of the charity for having ties to terrorists!
TR: Well, I can't say I'm surprised.
SS: How can you say that, Jim?
TR: What was the guy's name...the one you made the checks out to?
SS: Al Kaida. But it was spelled with a "k"!
TR: Do you remember what you got when you first became a member of Allah-Aid?
SS: The tote bag.
TR: The tote bag with a picture of Osama bin Laden on it.
SS: I've seen lots of photos of bin Laden.
TR: They all had bull's eyes on them, however. And what about the labels they sent you?
SS: The return address labels?
TR: Right, the ones that listed your address as St. Paul, Minnesota, the Great Satan, 55101.
SS: What's your point, Jim?
TR: Your track record with charitable organizations has never been stellar, Barb. Like that group you volunteered for last year...
SS: Yes, Fur Coats for the Homeless.
TR: And what happened there?
SS: That winter animal rights activists kept throwing red paint on vagrants because they were wearing fur.
TR: And the group before that?
SS: The Illiterate Hotline.
TR: Yes. They told illiterates to get help by dialing 1-800 Can Read and...
SS: Illiterates couldn't figure out how to spell "can read" and I would sit there for hours and the phone never rang.
TR: And what about Veal on Wheels?
SS: They delivered hot veal dishes to shut-ins. It was a good idea.
SS: Until the animal rights activists shot out their tires.
TR: So you raising funds for a group accused of helping terrorists who tried to get nuclear weapons and plotted to bomb U.S. airliners and assassinate the Pope isn't that far of a stretch.
SS: I suppose you're right. What can I do about it?
TR: Yes, ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that help a person step back and look at the bigger picture, avoiding those "helping others for the sake of helping others" situations you might rush into.
SS: bin Laden, done that! You're right, Jim. Here, take my tote bag and pass me the bottle of ketchup.
RD: These are the good years, far from awful. A new day is dawning, a new life is more full. The river flowing, like ketchup on falafel.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.