From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
I never would give up trying to submit something as one of their recurring bits. This was based on a real news story; word had gotten out that McDonald's had been putting beef broth in the fryers to give their fries that special flavor. Naturally, people went nuts. So, naturally, I thought it would be perfect for a ketchup sketch. As I often did once I had a couple of these sketches under my belt, I would recycle some of the opening monologue gags from earlier ketchup sketches that didn't get picked up. There would be a new one and then the others would be ones that I thought were underappreciated lines.
The sketch hits one of my long standing annoyances: vegetarians who can't let go of the carnivore lifestyle. They won't eat meat, but they want to hang around McDonalds or have fake tacos.
I thought I nailed the tone and pacing of the series, but it got a pass. I need some ketchup to settle down...
The sketch hits one of my long standing annoyances: vegetarians who can't let go of the carnivore lifestyle. They won't eat meat, but they want to hang around McDonalds or have fake tacos.
I thought I nailed the tone and pacing of the series, but it got a pass. I need some ketchup to settle down...
Ketchup Advisory Board: Fries
(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim
Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: Tonight's show brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. The city recently declared our building a historical site, so we're able to charge admission fees whenever anyone visits. Then it turned out that the STAR WARS movies were based on the deluded ramblings of my father, so now we're owed a bit of that action and the kids somehow got it in their heads that they were adopted and are off searching for their biological parents. So I was surprised to see Barb in such a dither...
SS: I can't believe it! I can't!
TR: What is it, Barb?
SS: I just found out that the Burger Barn I always eat at has been sued by a group of vegetarians and they won! They're getting 10 million dollars!
TR: Why were they suing Burger Barn?
SS: It seems Burger Barn has been flavoring their French fries with beef juice!
TR: And that's bad?
SS: It is if you're a vegetarian!
TR: Oh, are you a vegetarian again?
SS: Yes. I told you. Right after that whole Mad-Cow disease scare down at Good Time Charlie's Steak house.
TR: Oh, right, when we had that waiter, the one who kept telling us that the special of the day was "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" over and over.
SS: Yes. Right after that I swore off meat.
TR: Oh. Right. So, Barb---?
SS: Yes?
TR: If you're a vegetarian, why the heck are you eating at Burger Barn?
SS: They have salads there, too.
TR: But they make the salads on the same tables as the burgers. And the deep fryer is right next to the grill. There has to be beef juices flying all around there. I just don't see the attraction for a vegetarian.
SS: Well, their fries are the best.
TR: So what happens now?
SS: Well, if I want to submit a claim for the settlement, I have to report to the nearest Burger Barn with a stool sample to prove I'm a vegetarian.
TR: You know what you might want to pick up while you're down there?
SS: What?
TR: Some of those packets of ketchup.
SS: Oh, Jim.
TR: Yes, ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that can help a relieve the anxiety caused by eating vegetables in a fast food restaurant. Helps calm you down and gives you the gumption to find a good salad bar. And it's status as a vegetable was established by the Supreme Court. It's the one thing carnivores and herbivores can agree on.
SS: Here, Jim, hold my stool sample while I enjoy some ketchup.
RD: These are the good years, enjoyed by the hour. A new day is dawning, a new surge of power. The river flowing, like ketchup on cauliflower.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup...ketchup...
end
Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: Tonight's show brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. The city recently declared our building a historical site, so we're able to charge admission fees whenever anyone visits. Then it turned out that the STAR WARS movies were based on the deluded ramblings of my father, so now we're owed a bit of that action and the kids somehow got it in their heads that they were adopted and are off searching for their biological parents. So I was surprised to see Barb in such a dither...
SS: I can't believe it! I can't!
TR: What is it, Barb?
SS: I just found out that the Burger Barn I always eat at has been sued by a group of vegetarians and they won! They're getting 10 million dollars!
TR: Why were they suing Burger Barn?
SS: It seems Burger Barn has been flavoring their French fries with beef juice!
TR: And that's bad?
SS: It is if you're a vegetarian!
TR: Oh, are you a vegetarian again?
SS: Yes. I told you. Right after that whole Mad-Cow disease scare down at Good Time Charlie's Steak house.
TR: Oh, right, when we had that waiter, the one who kept telling us that the special of the day was "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" over and over.
SS: Yes. Right after that I swore off meat.
TR: Oh. Right. So, Barb---?
SS: Yes?
TR: If you're a vegetarian, why the heck are you eating at Burger Barn?
SS: They have salads there, too.
TR: But they make the salads on the same tables as the burgers. And the deep fryer is right next to the grill. There has to be beef juices flying all around there. I just don't see the attraction for a vegetarian.
SS: Well, their fries are the best.
TR: So what happens now?
SS: Well, if I want to submit a claim for the settlement, I have to report to the nearest Burger Barn with a stool sample to prove I'm a vegetarian.
TR: You know what you might want to pick up while you're down there?
SS: What?
TR: Some of those packets of ketchup.
SS: Oh, Jim.
TR: Yes, ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that can help a relieve the anxiety caused by eating vegetables in a fast food restaurant. Helps calm you down and gives you the gumption to find a good salad bar. And it's status as a vegetable was established by the Supreme Court. It's the one thing carnivores and herbivores can agree on.
SS: Here, Jim, hold my stool sample while I enjoy some ketchup.
RD: These are the good years, enjoyed by the hour. A new day is dawning, a new surge of power. The river flowing, like ketchup on cauliflower.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup...ketchup...
end
