From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Ah, yes, political humor during the W. Bush administration. It wrote itself. At this time, there was a big scandal that a member of the administration was leaking the name of a active spy. Here's a bit from Wikipedia:
The Plame affair (also known as the CIA leak scandal and Plamegate) was a political scandal that revolved around journalist Robert Novak's public identification of Valerie Plame as a covert Central Intelligence Agency officer in 2003
An official tried to undermine the Republicans with the truth about Iraq and the weapons of mass destruction they supposedly had lying around. We got into a whole big war about it. The sketch doesn't get into any of that, but I decided to have Bush visit the show (he had before and would again-their guy did a good Bush impression) and just start dropping spy names all over the place. It was the simplest way to take a news story and convert it into a comedy routine. Oh, and the names he drops? Those all all people I knew, part of the comedy troupe Style without Substance that I had worked with back in the late 80s. I thought they'd get a kick out of hearing their names on air. Too bad it never happened. The sketch didn't make the cut that week...
I've got a Secret Agent
(GK, GW: George Bush)
GK: Hello, Mr. President.
GW: Well, hello there, good citizen. I'll call you Garry. How's that?
GK: I'd prefer not.
GW: No problem, Garry.
GK: What brings you here, sir?
GW: I'm scooping out the area, Garry. I'm investigating. There're people out there giving out the name of our spies. And not just their nicknames, their real names. And I want it stopped.
GK: Oh, yes, I was reading about that.
GW: I mean, how unpatriotic is that, exposing your top field operatives to the enemy?
GK: And by enemy, you mean the press.
GW: Ex-at-a-many, Keill-meister. And I'm not talking about that fun radio and cable press, I mean those writer-types.
GK: Well, it's my understanding that the reporter who printed the name was a person who was friendly with the administration.
GW: Maybe. But he's a writer-type, always writing those things there in the paper with the letters and such.
GK: Words?
GW: You got it, Mr. PHC. Can't trust those folks. You shouldn't be allowed to name CIA agents like Mrs. Wilson or Tom Gilpin of Meadow Falls, New Jersey.
GK: Tom Gilpin?
GW: A good man. No, we have to keep these people's identities a secret, you know, like Superman or Clark Kent.
GK: Clark Kent is Superman.
GW: Beg Pardon?
GK: They are one in the same.
GW: Wow!
GK: Wow, indeed.
GW: How is our CIA supposed to do its job if we tell everyone and their brother that Sally Shepard in Los Angeles is a spy working for us.
GK: Should you be talking about her?
GW: She's a great gal. Do you know how many of our enemies deal with her and have no idea she's a spy?
GK: I'm guessing that number will drop off now.
GW: Even if you're not patriotic, on a basic economic level, you shouldn't tell people the names of our spies. I mean, we spend lots and lots of money to train Jack Keller down there in Miami to become a spy and then we ruin his ability to spy on people. That's wasted money. I hate wasted money.
GK: We on Public Radio are aware of that.
GW: But on the other hand, everyone knows James Bond is a secret agent yet he's able to do his job okay.
GK: James Bond is a work of fiction.
GW: Fiction. Oh, like my Iraq policy.
GK: Quite similar, only about a half as entertaining.
GW: Well, while I'm in town, I'm getting a bunch of our secret agents together to warn them about possible leaks, so Janet Sales, Lyle Benjamin, Glenn Takinson, if you're listening, we're going to be contacting you to warn you about security leaks that might expose you.
GK: I'm glad we could be of service.
GW: You're good folk, Gar-abaldi.
GK: Thank you, sir.
End
GK: Hello, Mr. President.
GW: Well, hello there, good citizen. I'll call you Garry. How's that?
GK: I'd prefer not.
GW: No problem, Garry.
GK: What brings you here, sir?
GW: I'm scooping out the area, Garry. I'm investigating. There're people out there giving out the name of our spies. And not just their nicknames, their real names. And I want it stopped.
GK: Oh, yes, I was reading about that.
GW: I mean, how unpatriotic is that, exposing your top field operatives to the enemy?
GK: And by enemy, you mean the press.
GW: Ex-at-a-many, Keill-meister. And I'm not talking about that fun radio and cable press, I mean those writer-types.
GK: Well, it's my understanding that the reporter who printed the name was a person who was friendly with the administration.
GW: Maybe. But he's a writer-type, always writing those things there in the paper with the letters and such.
GK: Words?
GW: You got it, Mr. PHC. Can't trust those folks. You shouldn't be allowed to name CIA agents like Mrs. Wilson or Tom Gilpin of Meadow Falls, New Jersey.
GK: Tom Gilpin?
GW: A good man. No, we have to keep these people's identities a secret, you know, like Superman or Clark Kent.
GK: Clark Kent is Superman.
GW: Beg Pardon?
GK: They are one in the same.
GW: Wow!
GK: Wow, indeed.
GW: How is our CIA supposed to do its job if we tell everyone and their brother that Sally Shepard in Los Angeles is a spy working for us.
GK: Should you be talking about her?
GW: She's a great gal. Do you know how many of our enemies deal with her and have no idea she's a spy?
GK: I'm guessing that number will drop off now.
GW: Even if you're not patriotic, on a basic economic level, you shouldn't tell people the names of our spies. I mean, we spend lots and lots of money to train Jack Keller down there in Miami to become a spy and then we ruin his ability to spy on people. That's wasted money. I hate wasted money.
GK: We on Public Radio are aware of that.
GW: But on the other hand, everyone knows James Bond is a secret agent yet he's able to do his job okay.
GK: James Bond is a work of fiction.
GW: Fiction. Oh, like my Iraq policy.
GK: Quite similar, only about a half as entertaining.
GW: Well, while I'm in town, I'm getting a bunch of our secret agents together to warn them about possible leaks, so Janet Sales, Lyle Benjamin, Glenn Takinson, if you're listening, we're going to be contacting you to warn you about security leaks that might expose you.
GK: I'm glad we could be of service.
GW: You're good folk, Gar-abaldi.
GK: Thank you, sir.
End
