From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Full disclosure: I have no idea where this sketch came from. I even checked my journals and I only mention I had to re-work it some more because it wasn't gelling. I can't remember what inspired it. I don't remember the context. And I forgot it existed until I started doing this. Weirdly, the last piece I posted, "I've Got A Secret Agent," was written in full in my journal. The idea popped into my head going to work and I just wrote it out. I digress. Homeland Security was very much in the news. As the elections approached, DHS and the Bush Administration kept putting out "Orange Alerts" every time a poll came out showing Democrats were in the lead. Everything and everyone was in danger at one point or the other. And I'm sure the administration proposed some goofy idea about getting people to get their house numbers done so they'd be easier to see. These are the same people who brought your "Freedom Fries." It's not a bad little sketch, a commercial parody that segues into political satire, which, to me, makes it a stronger piece. But (and you saw this coming, I know) it got rejected. So, dial your way-back machine to 2003 and enjoy:
Homeland Numbering
WM:Woman, MN:Man,C1: Cop One, C2: Cop Two, GW: GW Bush
WM: Where is he with that pizza?
MN: I called the pizzeria. They said he left over an hour ago.
WM: There where is he? Jim, have you put up the house numbers yet?
MN: Whoops.
GW: Hello, America, I'm your president, George W. Bush. And I'm here to ask you, "Has this ever happened to you?" We Americans have become lax in posting and maintaining our home address numbers. And it can be serious.
(sirens)
C1: I can't find the house!
C2: We've been up and down this block twice. Ask that lady.
C1: Hey, lady, can you tell us where 18 Main Street is?
WM: You betcha. The numbers run up as you head towards Oak Street, and the numbers are even on the other side of the street...I think.
C2: Oh, forget it. Let's just get back to the police station so we can help someone we can actually find.
GW: Yes, it could happen. Happens to me all the time. But I've authorized the Department of Homeland Security to establish a program to get all home addresses properly displayed so it'll help make the homeland more secure. We're developing and issuing address numerals that are big enough and bright enough to be spotted by any emergency vehicle, government agency or the Chinese food delivery kid. This program will help us be more secure, better prepared, help grow the economy and find Saddam Hussein. I'm not sure how, but I've been assured that it will. House numbers, they're not just for the Post Office any more.
MN: Hey, the pizza's here!
WN: And it's piping hot!
MN: It was sure nice of those policemen to deliver it to us.
WN: Thanks to our Homeland Security House numerals!
GK: The Homeland Security House numbering system...take a number and get in line.
WN: But, wait a second, wouldn't that make it easier for the terrorists to find us?
GW: Hush up, you.
end
WM: Where is he with that pizza?
MN: I called the pizzeria. They said he left over an hour ago.
WM: There where is he? Jim, have you put up the house numbers yet?
MN: Whoops.
GW: Hello, America, I'm your president, George W. Bush. And I'm here to ask you, "Has this ever happened to you?" We Americans have become lax in posting and maintaining our home address numbers. And it can be serious.
(sirens)
C1: I can't find the house!
C2: We've been up and down this block twice. Ask that lady.
C1: Hey, lady, can you tell us where 18 Main Street is?
WM: You betcha. The numbers run up as you head towards Oak Street, and the numbers are even on the other side of the street...I think.
C2: Oh, forget it. Let's just get back to the police station so we can help someone we can actually find.
GW: Yes, it could happen. Happens to me all the time. But I've authorized the Department of Homeland Security to establish a program to get all home addresses properly displayed so it'll help make the homeland more secure. We're developing and issuing address numerals that are big enough and bright enough to be spotted by any emergency vehicle, government agency or the Chinese food delivery kid. This program will help us be more secure, better prepared, help grow the economy and find Saddam Hussein. I'm not sure how, but I've been assured that it will. House numbers, they're not just for the Post Office any more.
MN: Hey, the pizza's here!
WN: And it's piping hot!
MN: It was sure nice of those policemen to deliver it to us.
WN: Thanks to our Homeland Security House numerals!
GK: The Homeland Security House numbering system...take a number and get in line.
WN: But, wait a second, wouldn't that make it easier for the terrorists to find us?
GW: Hush up, you.
end
