From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Here I'm stealing from myself. I had written a script about a less-than-stellar trip we to Wisconsin. It was a natural for a script; a bunch of native New Yorkers go to Wisconsin for a wedding. A real fish-out-of-water story. Most of the script was based on actual events, including a trip to the cheese shop. We had time to kill, the hotel was connected, physically connected, to the mall, so we decided to check it out. And there we came upon a cheese shop. There was a culture gap between that way we in New York talk about cheese and the rest of the world. New Yorkers use Italian words that Italy doesn't even use. It was a brief stop, but enough occurred that it inspired this scene in my screenplay. As I often did, when I was low on ideas, I'd pull something out of the files and dust it off and make it pretty. It remains a short bit, but with my habit of writing odd store sketches, it seemed to be a natural. And like the many shop sketches before, it was rejected.
Hedda's Cheese Shoppe
(Store bell tinkles)
CLERK: Hello, welcome to Hedda's Cheese Shop, home of the states largest selection of cheeses. How may I help you?
MAN: I'm here all the way from New York to go to a wedding. So it wouldn't be a waste of time, I figured I get some cheese. Still, you know, you're all known for it. We're looking for some cheese.
ALICE: I'm from Minnesota, and I too am looking for cheese.
CLERK: I see. Any particular type?
MAN: Now I have an oo-lee.
ALICE: What?
MAN: A craving. How about some nice mutz-a-rel?
CLERK: What kind?
MAN: Mutz-a-rel.
CLERK: Mutzarel? I don't believe I know that kind.
MAN: You don't know mutzarel? The cheese you put on pizza.
ALICE: String cheese!
CLERK: Ah, mozzerella!
MAN: Yes.
CLERK: No, I'm, sorry. We don't have that.
MAN: Okay. How about some par-ma-shon?
CLERK: Excuse me?
MAN: Par-ma-shon. The kind you sprinkle on spaghetti?
ALICE: Oh, grated cheese!
CLERK: Ah, parmesan. No sorry.
MAN: Any rig-got?
CLERK: I beg your pardon?
MAN: Rig-got! Er, ricotta cheese.
ALICE: Oh, cottage cheese.
MAN: Not cottage cheese.
CLERK: Ricotta?
MAN: Yea.
CLERK: No.
MAN: Forget it. I'm going home, get some aerosol cheese and eat it out of the can!
ALICE: If you have any Velveeta, I'll take that.
MAN: Any American cheese singles?
CLERK: Get out!
(store bell)
CLERK: Tourists!
end
CLERK: Hello, welcome to Hedda's Cheese Shop, home of the states largest selection of cheeses. How may I help you?
MAN: I'm here all the way from New York to go to a wedding. So it wouldn't be a waste of time, I figured I get some cheese. Still, you know, you're all known for it. We're looking for some cheese.
ALICE: I'm from Minnesota, and I too am looking for cheese.
CLERK: I see. Any particular type?
MAN: Now I have an oo-lee.
ALICE: What?
MAN: A craving. How about some nice mutz-a-rel?
CLERK: What kind?
MAN: Mutz-a-rel.
CLERK: Mutzarel? I don't believe I know that kind.
MAN: You don't know mutzarel? The cheese you put on pizza.
ALICE: String cheese!
CLERK: Ah, mozzerella!
MAN: Yes.
CLERK: No, I'm, sorry. We don't have that.
MAN: Okay. How about some par-ma-shon?
CLERK: Excuse me?
MAN: Par-ma-shon. The kind you sprinkle on spaghetti?
ALICE: Oh, grated cheese!
CLERK: Ah, parmesan. No sorry.
MAN: Any rig-got?
CLERK: I beg your pardon?
MAN: Rig-got! Er, ricotta cheese.
ALICE: Oh, cottage cheese.
MAN: Not cottage cheese.
CLERK: Ricotta?
MAN: Yea.
CLERK: No.
MAN: Forget it. I'm going home, get some aerosol cheese and eat it out of the can!
ALICE: If you have any Velveeta, I'll take that.
MAN: Any American cheese singles?
CLERK: Get out!
(store bell)
CLERK: Tourists!
end
