I note in my journal at the end of October, 2000, that I had struck out again with PHC.
Four Halloween bits...Keillor going on and on about how "Americans don't make the most use of it [Halloween]" and proceeds to do practically nil on it . But winter! Don't get him started about winter!
I actually took the script and collected together with a couple of my other horror bits and submitted it around as an episode of "The Nether Regions," a "Twilight Zone" type radio anthology show. One group produced another part of the anthology, so this skit has yet to become...ALIVE!
Frankenstein & Igor
(FR: Frankenstein, IG: Igor, LS: Lester, V1, V2, V3: Villagers)
(thunder claps, blowing winds. horror music)
FR: Yes, the long nights of body snatching and grave robbing had come to their conclusion. The body was complete. I have pieced together an entire human body and am now about to thrust life upon it.
IG: Did you say something, Dr. Frankenstein?
FR: Just a little exposition before we begin the experiment. The storm is reaching its peak of intensity, Igor, send up the kites!
IG: Yes, master!
FR: Hurry, you foolish hunchback, hurry!
FR: What was that?
IG: The doorbell, master.
FR: Who ever it is, send them away!
IG: Yes, master
FR: Who's that?
IG: (strangled) Lester the baker to see you, doctor.
FR: The baker? I thought I told you to send them away!
IG: He was quite insistent about seeing you, master,
FR: Would you please stop strangling my assistant, please? Thank you. All right then, what is it?
LS: About this monster you have here, especially in regard to the brain--
FR: I have no time for this piffle, that was Igor's department, what's the problem?
LS: Problem? The problem is your lackey took my brain for this creature of yours!
FR: Don't smack his head like that, you'll get him mad!
LS: How? It's not even alive.
FR: It might remember.
LS: With my brain the only thing this oversized erector set will remember is how to make eclairs.
IG: I like eclairs.
FR: Shut up, Igor.
LS: It's my brain and I want it back. Do you know that six customers walked into my bakery today and asked for brownies and I didn't even know what they were talking about? I had to look up the word. How does that look, a baker looking up the word 'brownie?'
FR: Igor, did you take Lester's brain?
IG: I didn't think he'd notice. I mean it's not like he uses it or anything. Have you ever discussed politics with him? Or current events? Did you hear him talk about "Fight Club?" The man's a feeb. I thought I'd be doing him a favor.
LS: Favor? You call ruining by love life a favor?
IG: I only took your brain.
LS: Where do you think I keep the girl's phone numbers? The addresses? The techniques? In my spleen?
IG: You should get a little black book.
LS: I haven't had a date in a week. I'm very lonely and at this point prone to violence, shorty. How would you like me to snap you into shape?
FR: Igor, I distinctly told you to get Dr. Heinzman's brain. Why did you take his?
IG: Well, I went there and Heinzman wasn't home. His maid said he'd gone spelunking.
LS: I bet I knew what that word meant before he took my brain.
FR: Shut up, Lester, and keep away from that electro-desprizifier. It's a very delicate piece of
equipment. Now, Igor, what happened then?
IG: Well, you said you were in a rush and I saw Lester's light on, so I went in. He wasn't using his brain so I took it.
LS: What do you mean I wasn't using it?
IG: Don't deny it, I saw you. You were watching professional wrestling.
LS: Oh, cheese and crackers! One time you catch me with a little mindless entertainment and you swipe my grey matter. Where were you when I was watching "Masterpiece Theater" or the Discovery Channel, huh? No, one time I watch "Smackdown" and now I don't even know how many are in a baker's dozen. I ought to apply severe pressure to your eardrums, hump-boy. And you doctor, how's a little malpractice suit sound to you?
FR: Oh, well, let's not get excited. A little mistake was made which can easily be remedied.
(Cries of a frenzied mob outside)
FR: What's that?
IG: Oh, master, it looks like the rest of village. They've got torches and sickles and pitchforks. They look kinda mad.
FR: Mad? What could they possibly be mad about?
V1: Where's my liver, Frankenstein?
V2: Yeah, what about my colon?
V3: I want my kidney back and I want it now!
LS: Up here, everyone. Everything is up here!
V1: There's my small intestine! Give me that!
V2: Who's got my saliva glands?
V3: Where's my stomach?
(noises and footsteps and everyone leaves)
LS: Thanks a lot, Frankenstein. My lawyer will be calling you in the morning.
IG: Are they all gone, master?
FR: Yes, yes, Igor. Well, Igor, three years work, three years experimentation, three years sweating and what do I have to show for it? All gone but this one last organ. Hmmmm. Just where did you get this anyway?
IG: All work and no play, Doc, you've been so busy on this thing, I didn't think you'd notice, and it did save me a trip...
(Horror sting, thunder)