From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is an interesting bit (for me). I once read a Woody Allen short story about Dracula. I was so impressed with it. I wanted to write something like it. So I did. He did Dracula, so obviously I would have to do Frankenstein. This was originally a short story. It was published as part of an anthology series years later (which has since gone out of print...which is weird for an ebook). The story was dialog-heavy (as much as my prose is) so I figured I could adapted it as a radio skit for PHC for one of their October shows. It was a pass.
I note in my journal at the end of October, 2000, that I had struck out again with PHC.
I note in my journal at the end of October, 2000, that I had struck out again with PHC.
Four Halloween bits...Keillor going on and on about how "Americans don't make the most use of it [Halloween]" and proceeds to do practically nil on it . But winter! Don't get him started about winter!
I submitted to other venues after that, but it never got picked. It's my attempt at "racy" and there's one line ("Have you ever discussed politics with him?") that is straight up Woody Allen, although my attempt at making it more "me" (calling him a "feeb" instead of an "imbecile") really undercut it.
I actually took the script and collected together with a couple of my other horror bits and submitted it around as an episode of "The Nether Regions," a "Twilight Zone" type radio anthology show. One group produced another part of the anthology, so this skit has yet to become...ALIVE!
I actually took the script and collected together with a couple of my other horror bits and submitted it around as an episode of "The Nether Regions," a "Twilight Zone" type radio anthology show. One group produced another part of the anthology, so this skit has yet to become...ALIVE!
Sooo, Halloween is coming (it's one of my favorite holidays) and I have a Halloween book to sell. It's "Halloweenies," a tale of a boy and his costume...and friends. And family. And cops. And gangsters. It's funny.
Frankenstein & Igor
(FR: Frankenstein, IG: Igor, LS: Lester, V1, V2, V3: Villagers)
(thunder claps, blowing winds. horror music)
FR: Yes, the long nights of body snatching and grave robbing had come to their conclusion. The body was complete. I have pieced together an entire human body and am now about to thrust life upon it.
IG: Did you say something, Dr. Frankenstein?
FR: Just a little exposition before we begin the experiment. The storm is reaching its peak of intensity, Igor, send up the kites!
IG: Yes, master!
FR: Hurry, you foolish hunchback, hurry!
(door bell)
FR: What was that?
IG: The doorbell, master.
FR: Who ever it is, send them away!
(door bell)
IG: Yes, master
LS: Frankenstein!
FR: Who's that?
IG: (strangled) Lester the baker to see you, doctor.
FR: The baker? I thought I told you to send them away!
IG: He was quite insistent about seeing you, master,
FR: Would you please stop strangling my assistant, please? Thank you. All right then, what is it?
LS: About this monster you have here, especially in regard to the brain--
FR: I have no time for this piffle, that was Igor's department, what's the problem?
LS: Problem? The problem is your lackey took my brain for this creature of yours!
FR: Don't smack his head like that, you'll get him mad!
LS: How? It's not even alive.
FR: It might remember.
LS: With my brain the only thing this oversized erector set will remember is how to make eclairs.
IG: I like eclairs.
FR: Shut up, Igor.
LS: It's my brain and I want it back. Do you know that six customers walked into my bakery today and asked for brownies and I didn't even know what they were talking about? I had to look up the word. How does that look, a baker looking up the word 'brownie?'
FR: Igor, did you take Lester's brain?
IG: I didn't think he'd notice. I mean it's not like he uses it or anything. Have you ever discussed politics with him? Or current events? Did you hear him talk about "Fight Club?" The man's a feeb. I thought I'd be doing him a favor.
LS: Favor? You call ruining by love life a favor?
IG: I only took your brain.
LS: Where do you think I keep the girl's phone numbers? The addresses? The techniques? In my spleen?
IG: You should get a little black book.
LS: I haven't had a date in a week. I'm very lonely and at this point prone to violence, shorty. How would you like me to snap you into shape?
FR: Igor, I distinctly told you to get Dr. Heinzman's brain. Why did you take his?
IG: Well, I went there and Heinzman wasn't home. His maid said he'd gone spelunking.
LS: I bet I knew what that word meant before he took my brain.
FR: Shut up, Lester, and keep away from that electro-desprizifier. It's a very delicate piece of
equipment. Now, Igor, what happened then?
IG: Well, you said you were in a rush and I saw Lester's light on, so I went in. He wasn't using his brain so I took it.
LS: What do you mean I wasn't using it?
IG: Don't deny it, I saw you. You were watching professional wrestling.
LS: Oh, cheese and crackers! One time you catch me with a little mindless entertainment and you swipe my grey matter. Where were you when I was watching "Masterpiece Theater" or the Discovery Channel, huh? No, one time I watch "Smackdown" and now I don't even know how many are in a baker's dozen. I ought to apply severe pressure to your eardrums, hump-boy. And you doctor, how's a little malpractice suit sound to you?
FR: Oh, well, let's not get excited. A little mistake was made which can easily be remedied.
(Cries of a frenzied mob outside)
FR: What's that?
IG: Oh, master, it looks like the rest of village. They've got torches and sickles and pitchforks. They look kinda mad.
FR: Mad? What could they possibly be mad about?
V1: Where's my liver, Frankenstein?
V2: Yeah, what about my colon?
V3: I want my kidney back and I want it now!
LS: Up here, everyone. Everything is up here!
(crowd noises)
V1: There's my small intestine! Give me that!
V2: Who's got my saliva glands?
V3: Where's my stomach?
(noises and footsteps and everyone leaves)
LS: Thanks a lot, Frankenstein. My lawyer will be calling you in the morning.
IG: Are they all gone, master?
FR: Yes, yes, Igor. Well, Igor, three years work, three years experimentation, three years sweating and what do I have to show for it? All gone but this one last organ. Hmmmm. Just where did you get this anyway?
IG: All work and no play, Doc, you've been so busy on this thing, I didn't think you'd notice, and it did save me a trip...
(Horror sting, thunder)
end
