From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Back in 2000, Heinz decided to get out of the red ketchup business and start hawking other colors. Remember Crystal Pepsi? How about New Coke? The Edsel? Yeah, it was in that category. Now, here's the thing, I had access to a show that regularly featured ketchup--So, what if I wrote a green ketchup sketch? A sketchup, as it were (did I just coin a new comedy term?). So I wrote it up. It was rejected. In retrospect, I think maybe I wrote less a parody of green ketchup and more an actual endorsement. Plus I used the phrase "ketchup technology" twice, which is weak. I may have been too coy by about half. Anyway, it was a very topical bit that couldn't be recycled, so it's sat on the hard drive until now...
Ketchup Advisory Board
GK: Tonight's show is brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board.
SS: Ketchup was a godsend. After Bob and I broke up and the kids joined the circus, my life had become an existential void, I was on the precipice of an eternal harrowing sorrow. The joy, the meaning, the very definition of life had been leeched from my soul, leaving me the merest husk of a carbon-based life form. It was real depressing, let me tell you.
Sure, my friends sent me ketchup; sometimes in bottles, sometimes in packets that they'd find in fast-food restaurants. Or the occasion ketchup gift pack. But it was like striking a harpsichord in space...hallow, empty, meaningless. It was a vast bleak landscape that stretched before me. Vast and red. Oh, so red. Then the good folks at the Ketchup Advisory Board sent me an e-mail about the latest break-through in ketchup technology. Green ketchup. Yes, green ketchup. By taking regular delicious ketchup and stirring in lots and lots of dyes, they've been able to create a vibrant new family condiment. I bought a bottle. I put it on my french fries. And I giggled! I truly giggled! Then I put it on my hamburger. Looking how it both contrasted and complimented the relish, I chuckled! And when I put it on my scrambled eggs, well I L.O.L-ed! Oh, sorry, that's internet talk for Laughed Out Loud. Soon Bob came back. And so did the kids. We put green ketchup on everything. Sometimes we fill our water guns with green ketchup and have green ketchup wars around the yard. Yes, the joy had returned.
GK: The ketchup Advisory Board is not one to sit on its laurels. We'll forever be extending our reach, pushing the ketchup envelop, and bringing you the latest in ketchup technology.
(KETCHUP SONG)
RD: Colorado sunrise, the mountaintop in fog,
Coffee brewing, flames leap from the logs,
Life is flowing like ketchup on hot dogs.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup ... ketchup ...
END
SS: Ketchup was a godsend. After Bob and I broke up and the kids joined the circus, my life had become an existential void, I was on the precipice of an eternal harrowing sorrow. The joy, the meaning, the very definition of life had been leeched from my soul, leaving me the merest husk of a carbon-based life form. It was real depressing, let me tell you.
Sure, my friends sent me ketchup; sometimes in bottles, sometimes in packets that they'd find in fast-food restaurants. Or the occasion ketchup gift pack. But it was like striking a harpsichord in space...hallow, empty, meaningless. It was a vast bleak landscape that stretched before me. Vast and red. Oh, so red. Then the good folks at the Ketchup Advisory Board sent me an e-mail about the latest break-through in ketchup technology. Green ketchup. Yes, green ketchup. By taking regular delicious ketchup and stirring in lots and lots of dyes, they've been able to create a vibrant new family condiment. I bought a bottle. I put it on my french fries. And I giggled! I truly giggled! Then I put it on my hamburger. Looking how it both contrasted and complimented the relish, I chuckled! And when I put it on my scrambled eggs, well I L.O.L-ed! Oh, sorry, that's internet talk for Laughed Out Loud. Soon Bob came back. And so did the kids. We put green ketchup on everything. Sometimes we fill our water guns with green ketchup and have green ketchup wars around the yard. Yes, the joy had returned.
GK: The ketchup Advisory Board is not one to sit on its laurels. We'll forever be extending our reach, pushing the ketchup envelop, and bringing you the latest in ketchup technology.
(KETCHUP SONG)
RD: Colorado sunrise, the mountaintop in fog,
Coffee brewing, flames leap from the logs,
Life is flowing like ketchup on hot dogs.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
RD: Ketchup ... ketchup ...
END
