From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Here's one of those bits I totally forgot about. As I noted in my writer's journal, PHC was headed to Europe for some shows in March. I figured that was as good a premise as any, so, apparently, I wrote this. I can't even begin to imagine where I came up with this. It starts as an auction featuring various cast members' organs that segues into a parody of the Seqway inventors news announcement of "IT," the next big thing, using one of PHC's more obscure regular characters, Larry of Larry Dotcom.com. The jokes are solid. The pacing is good. And I always enjoy trying to take cast members and create a "character" for them. It's just a pile of silliness firing on all cylinders, that was just too unique to try and re-work to submit elsewhere. Then there were all the typos. Maybe that put them off.
Fundraising for Europe
(GK, SS, TK, TR, RD, LA: Larry)
GK: Well, the new administration is in, and we here at public radio are already beginning to feel the pinch. Budget cuts are becoming a reality for producers. Radio Shakespeare is being forced to cut back; this season they'll be presenting Shakespeare's "Eleventh Night" and "One Gentleman from Verona." Masterwork theater will be presenting their adaptations of Dickens' "A Tale of One City" and F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Adequate Gatsby." We, too, are taking cuts. We do plan to travel to Germany in a few weeks but we'll have to do it with alternate funding. Now, earlier this season we managed to raise quite a bit of money for charity by auctioning actual parts of the Fitzgerald theater on the internet. it was such a success, we decided to do something similar to raise car fare to Germany. This week on the Internet we'll be auctioning off actual parts of our cast. That's right, folks, you'll be able to own an actual body part of our semi-nationally renowned troupe of performers. Here's Sue Scott. And what will you be offering?
SS: Well, Garrison, I have a kidney that I'll be pulling up. It's a beauty. The doctor said I have the kidney of a 15-year old.
GK: Now, who out there wouldn't want a celebrity kidney, like new?
SS: Bid's start at a hundred dollars but I'm hoping they go much higher.
GK: We all hope that, Sue. Next with us is Tim Russell.
TR: Garrison, I have offered to place on the auction block part of my liver.
GK: Part of you liver?
TR: Well, I did a little research and it turns out the liver is the only human organ that can regenerate itself. So it's kind of like having your cake and eating it, too.
GK: I'm not sure that's an image we want to promote here, but thanks, Tim.
TR: Anything for the cause.
GK: Also donating is our esteemed sound effects man, Tom Keith.
(chicken cluck, horse gallop)
GK: What do you have for the cause?
TK: I'm donating my appendix.
GK: Appendix, Tom?
TK: You bet.
GK; That's it?
TK: Well, yeah, why?
GK: I don't know. The appendix is a vestigial organ. It's kind of useless. Like an 8-track player or a Florida voting machine.
TK: So what are you saying? My appendix isn't as good as her kidney or his liver?
GK: Basically, yes. I was hoping for a little more. A real show of commitment.
TK: Man. Okay, well, I have this extra pinkie toe I'd be willing to part with.
GK: That's really not much better. I'm not even sure a toe is considered an organ.
TK: You sure? It would be really helpful for me to get rid of it. Buying socks can be quite a chore.
GK: We were kind of shooting for a lung or a couple of feet of intestine, perhaps.
TK: I'll think about it.
GK: If you would please. Finally, our band leader, Richard Dworsky, is donating an organ as well. What organ will you be selling, Richard?
RD: It's a Wurlitzer, Garrison.
GK: See, now, you've missed the point completely.
RD: But I've always felt this organ was a part of me...
TK: Garrison, you know, I have this webbing between my fingers that I'm not really using.
RD: Here, listen---
(some baseball organ music)
SS: Garrison.
GK; Yes, Sue?
SS: I've decided to add my spleen to the auction.
GK: You're spleen. That's wonderful. What's the spleen do, exactly?
SS: Who knows? I didn't even know about it until I was taking inventory.
GK: Let's run that by legal first.
LA: (softly) Garrison.
GK: Hello? What was that?
LA: Garrison.
GK: Someone's calling me. It came from down there.
(echoing footsteps)
LA: Garrison.
GK: My goodness, Larry is that you?
LA: Down here, Garrison.
GK: Larry, it is you! How have you been?
LA: Mopey.
GK: Good, good. What are you doing here, Larry.
LA: I've been brain-storming, Garrison. I'm about to invest the money I made when I sold Larry Dotcom.dotcom and produce the next big thing.
GK: Really?
LA: Oh, yes. I call it "Ginger Ale" or "that."
GK: What is it? A flying car? Cold fusion? A nuclear powered unicycle?
LA: I don't know yet.
GK: That will make it harder to market.
LA: Not really. Just by announcing "that" I've secured funding, gotten a book deal and an offer to host an infomercial.
GK: That's amazing.
LA: Not that amazing. You doubt me?
GK: No, no, not at all. Why did you call?
LA: I need some input.
GK: Ah, input. If I can be of help.
LA: I've got some ideas but I can't pick the best. I figured if you help me, I'll pay for your European Tour. You can call it the Prairie Home Companion-slash-Larry Dotcom European tour.
GK: If we can fit that on the side of the bus. So, what are these ideas?
LA: I've developed a process to make soda pop from chicken parts. I call it E-coli cola.
GK: And they said you can't make a cola from chicken parts. But they say that for a reason. What else are you working on?
LA: Okay, how about this, A solar-powered flashlight - no batteries needed! The eco-nuts will love it!
GK: Have you gotten it to work yet?
LA: Not down here. All right, here's something. A glass-bottom automobile. What could be more fun than going on a road trip and watching the road as it passes beneath? See that pothole or that roadkill. It's practically educational.
GK: It would be a little distracting for the driver, no?
LA: No more than a cell phone or VCR. Okay, okay, here's a service I've been considering; the Brussels Sproutgram. When you need to send someone some really fresh Brussels Sprouts delivered to love ones, you just call and we deliver right to their door.
GK: Hmmmm.
LA: The electric beach blanket: not hot enough at the beach? Now it will be!
GK: Seems a little risky, especially if the tide comes in.
LA: The shower karaoke machine, now you'll be able to sing in the shower just like the pros.
GK: Again, it's just this whole water and electricity elements being combined.
LA: I'm thinking fast food franchise. What person wouldn't love "sandwich-in-a-bowl." My slogan is, "You'll never eat a sandwich without a spoon again!"
GK: Those are big things, but I don't think any of them are the "Next Big Thing."
LA: I'm perturbed by that.
GK: Don't get perturbed, I'm just trying to save you some heartache.
LA: I'll bet. You wouldn't be in the book, that's for sure. Not even a foot note.
GK: I'm sorry you feel that way. But I think we'll go with the organ auctions for now.
LA: You're auctioning organs?
GK: Yes.
LA: Is that legal?
GK: We got a waiver.
LA: Cool. You got any pinkie toes? I've been looking for some pinkie toes.
GK: I think we can help you out. What do you need it for?
LA: You'll have to read the book.
GK: Okay, you don't need to get snippy about it. I'm going back up.
LA: Don't forget the pinkie toes.
GK: I won't, I won't.
end
GK: Well, the new administration is in, and we here at public radio are already beginning to feel the pinch. Budget cuts are becoming a reality for producers. Radio Shakespeare is being forced to cut back; this season they'll be presenting Shakespeare's "Eleventh Night" and "One Gentleman from Verona." Masterwork theater will be presenting their adaptations of Dickens' "A Tale of One City" and F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Adequate Gatsby." We, too, are taking cuts. We do plan to travel to Germany in a few weeks but we'll have to do it with alternate funding. Now, earlier this season we managed to raise quite a bit of money for charity by auctioning actual parts of the Fitzgerald theater on the internet. it was such a success, we decided to do something similar to raise car fare to Germany. This week on the Internet we'll be auctioning off actual parts of our cast. That's right, folks, you'll be able to own an actual body part of our semi-nationally renowned troupe of performers. Here's Sue Scott. And what will you be offering?
SS: Well, Garrison, I have a kidney that I'll be pulling up. It's a beauty. The doctor said I have the kidney of a 15-year old.
GK: Now, who out there wouldn't want a celebrity kidney, like new?
SS: Bid's start at a hundred dollars but I'm hoping they go much higher.
GK: We all hope that, Sue. Next with us is Tim Russell.
TR: Garrison, I have offered to place on the auction block part of my liver.
GK: Part of you liver?
TR: Well, I did a little research and it turns out the liver is the only human organ that can regenerate itself. So it's kind of like having your cake and eating it, too.
GK: I'm not sure that's an image we want to promote here, but thanks, Tim.
TR: Anything for the cause.
GK: Also donating is our esteemed sound effects man, Tom Keith.
(chicken cluck, horse gallop)
GK: What do you have for the cause?
TK: I'm donating my appendix.
GK: Appendix, Tom?
TK: You bet.
GK; That's it?
TK: Well, yeah, why?
GK: I don't know. The appendix is a vestigial organ. It's kind of useless. Like an 8-track player or a Florida voting machine.
TK: So what are you saying? My appendix isn't as good as her kidney or his liver?
GK: Basically, yes. I was hoping for a little more. A real show of commitment.
TK: Man. Okay, well, I have this extra pinkie toe I'd be willing to part with.
GK: That's really not much better. I'm not even sure a toe is considered an organ.
TK: You sure? It would be really helpful for me to get rid of it. Buying socks can be quite a chore.
GK: We were kind of shooting for a lung or a couple of feet of intestine, perhaps.
TK: I'll think about it.
GK: If you would please. Finally, our band leader, Richard Dworsky, is donating an organ as well. What organ will you be selling, Richard?
RD: It's a Wurlitzer, Garrison.
GK: See, now, you've missed the point completely.
RD: But I've always felt this organ was a part of me...
TK: Garrison, you know, I have this webbing between my fingers that I'm not really using.
RD: Here, listen---
(some baseball organ music)
SS: Garrison.
GK; Yes, Sue?
SS: I've decided to add my spleen to the auction.
GK: You're spleen. That's wonderful. What's the spleen do, exactly?
SS: Who knows? I didn't even know about it until I was taking inventory.
GK: Let's run that by legal first.
LA: (softly) Garrison.
GK: Hello? What was that?
LA: Garrison.
GK: Someone's calling me. It came from down there.
(echoing footsteps)
LA: Garrison.
GK: My goodness, Larry is that you?
LA: Down here, Garrison.
GK: Larry, it is you! How have you been?
LA: Mopey.
GK: Good, good. What are you doing here, Larry.
LA: I've been brain-storming, Garrison. I'm about to invest the money I made when I sold Larry Dotcom.dotcom and produce the next big thing.
GK: Really?
LA: Oh, yes. I call it "Ginger Ale" or "that."
GK: What is it? A flying car? Cold fusion? A nuclear powered unicycle?
LA: I don't know yet.
GK: That will make it harder to market.
LA: Not really. Just by announcing "that" I've secured funding, gotten a book deal and an offer to host an infomercial.
GK: That's amazing.
LA: Not that amazing. You doubt me?
GK: No, no, not at all. Why did you call?
LA: I need some input.
GK: Ah, input. If I can be of help.
LA: I've got some ideas but I can't pick the best. I figured if you help me, I'll pay for your European Tour. You can call it the Prairie Home Companion-slash-Larry Dotcom European tour.
GK: If we can fit that on the side of the bus. So, what are these ideas?
LA: I've developed a process to make soda pop from chicken parts. I call it E-coli cola.
GK: And they said you can't make a cola from chicken parts. But they say that for a reason. What else are you working on?
LA: Okay, how about this, A solar-powered flashlight - no batteries needed! The eco-nuts will love it!
GK: Have you gotten it to work yet?
LA: Not down here. All right, here's something. A glass-bottom automobile. What could be more fun than going on a road trip and watching the road as it passes beneath? See that pothole or that roadkill. It's practically educational.
GK: It would be a little distracting for the driver, no?
LA: No more than a cell phone or VCR. Okay, okay, here's a service I've been considering; the Brussels Sproutgram. When you need to send someone some really fresh Brussels Sprouts delivered to love ones, you just call and we deliver right to their door.
GK: Hmmmm.
LA: The electric beach blanket: not hot enough at the beach? Now it will be!
GK: Seems a little risky, especially if the tide comes in.
LA: The shower karaoke machine, now you'll be able to sing in the shower just like the pros.
GK: Again, it's just this whole water and electricity elements being combined.
LA: I'm thinking fast food franchise. What person wouldn't love "sandwich-in-a-bowl." My slogan is, "You'll never eat a sandwich without a spoon again!"
GK: Those are big things, but I don't think any of them are the "Next Big Thing."
LA: I'm perturbed by that.
GK: Don't get perturbed, I'm just trying to save you some heartache.
LA: I'll bet. You wouldn't be in the book, that's for sure. Not even a foot note.
GK: I'm sorry you feel that way. But I think we'll go with the organ auctions for now.
LA: You're auctioning organs?
GK: Yes.
LA: Is that legal?
GK: We got a waiver.
LA: Cool. You got any pinkie toes? I've been looking for some pinkie toes.
GK: I think we can help you out. What do you need it for?
LA: You'll have to read the book.
GK: Okay, you don't need to get snippy about it. I'm going back up.
LA: Don't forget the pinkie toes.
GK: I won't, I won't.
end
