From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This sketch I was really proud of. I went through a phrase of song parodies, writing for ACN and such, but when the Enron sandal hit, I just saw it as the exact plot of The Producers-a company that could make more money (for the owners) failing than succeeding. Power companies were selling off their power plants and only wanted to deliver the electricity without have to concern themselves about producing the power, maintaining the plants or keeping the infrastructure intact. And this sketch just came out of all of that. None of the songs are from the Producers musical. The play opening in April 2001 and ran until 2007. I didn't see until the final years, so I didn't know those songs. Actually, all these years later, I still don't, really. I peddled this skit around to everyone. It was a writing sample for a while because it was too long for my radio outlets and I didn't have a real stage outlet then. I finally just adapted it for PHC. I knew this was a long shot going in and I was right. But, in light of the recent events in Texas (home of Enron), the sketch still seems relevant.
Enron: The Musical!
(SS, FL: Frito Lay, AA: Artie Anderson, CM: Congressman)
SS: Our story opens in downtown Houston, as the once great entrepreneur, Frito Lay, laments his fall from the top of the corporate ladder.
FL: (Buddy, can you spare a dime)
Once I had a dot-com
High tech firm
made it all run online.
Once I had a dot-com
Then got spurned
Buddy, can you spare a dime?
SS: But Frito Lay was no quitter. He knew it was his destiny to be a business success. He made the rounds, networked and paid off the right people and was soon back on the executive track.
FL: Here I am, back on the executive track. You think it would be every thing I wanted:
(intercom buzz)
SS: (on intercom) Mr. Lay, Dept. of Agriculture on line one.
FL: Thank you, Gladys.
(buzz)
SS: (on intercom) Mr. Lay, Securities Exchange Commission on line two.
FL: Thank you, Gladys.
(buzz)
SS: (on intercom) Mr. Lay, Dept. of Labor on three.
FL: Geez, could you maybe screen some of these calls, Gladys! It never lets up. I'm working, always working for someone else. I have to find a way to make some real money. I have to upgrade my golden parachute.
(door knock)
FL: Yes, come in.
AA: Yes, hello. Mr. Lay? Are you Mr. Lay? I'm here to see Mr. Lay.
FL: I'm Mr. Lay! Who are you?
AA: I'm your accountant, sir, Artie Anderson. It's time to go over the books.
FL: Oh, of course, the books. You're going to go over my books, eh?
AA: Well, yes, sir. It's my job, sir. It's what I do.
FL: Well, here then, here. Look over these books, by all means. My life laid bare before you, you! you mealy little man.
AA: Hostility hardly seems called for.
FL: Consider it a bonus.
(pages turning)
AA: I can't help but notice there's been a lot of items whited-out here.
FL: Oh, just some assets that needed lightening.
AA: And here; in this column, you started writing your figures in red ink, then half way down switch to blue.
FL: What are you, an accountant or Sherman Williams?
AA: That's funny.
FL: Oh, do I amuse you, Mr. Bean Counter? Mr. Counter of Beans? Mr. Legume Tabulator?
AA: Oh, did you say something? Sorry, I was just thinking.
FL: You were thinking? If there's one thing I learned about the business world it's this: don't make it a habit.
AA: I was thinking about the books.
FL: What's so funny about the books?
AA: Well, it's a funny thought, more. A silly thought. But it could work.
FL: What could work?
AA: Yes, it would. Really. No, no, it's a wacky notion.
FL: This country was founded on wacky notions.
AA: Well, I just noted, and it's only a theory, mind you, but a CEO could make more money with a company that fails than by being successful.
FL: Run that by me again, lad.
AA: A company...it's totally absurd, of course, but if you owned a company and sold more shares than you had, then closed, you could make a killing!
FL: Artie, you're a genius!
AA: Not that you could actually do such a thing.
FL: Don't think negatively, my lad, of course you could do such a thing. It's perfect. A company that exists solely to issue stock.
AA: What would it produce? What would it manufacture?
FL: Not a thing! That's all overhead! We eliminate it and it's even more money for us!
AA: A business that doesn't make stuff?
FL: Indeed, my lad!
(No Business Like Show Business)
there's no business like no business like no business I know.
Inventory only eats up profits
Manufacturing will take up time.
No where can you get that happy feeling
Then when you're stealing
The bottom line.
AA: There's no business like no business---
FL: Like no business I know!
One day you'll be heading up the Fortune five
Then you'll find out you've been downsized.
so why not just go off then and take a dive?
AA & FL:
Let's go on with the sham!
Let's go on with the sham!
AA: But, Mr. Lay, what could we do?
FL: First, we have to find the right company!
AA: How do you do that?
FL: Connections, my lad! It's not what you know, it's who knows you!
SS: So Frito Lay made the rounds and soon was able to link up with the right company.
FL: Success!
AA: You found the right company?
FL: Did I ever!
(Doo-Ron-Ron)
Looking for a job that will make us big dough.
Enron-ron-ron Enron-ron
Lots of stock options for their CEO
Enron-ron-ron Enron-ron
Look to make some dough!
Needs a CEO!
So we'll climb aboard.
Enron-ron-ron-ron Enron-ron
AA: What kind of company is it?
FL: Something to do with energy. It really wasn't clear.
AA: What do we know about the energy industry?
FL: Not a blessed thing! It's perfect!
AA: I don't know, Mr. Lay.
FL: To seal the deal, I just have two words for you: Deregulation.
AA: That's one word.
FL: The guy who told me had an accent. They're going to deregulate the energy business! We don't stand a chance!
AA & FL
Hey, the firm's a sham!
Time to start the scam!
Can't stay afloat too long.
Enron-ron-ron Enron-ron.
SS: So Frito Lay and Artie Anderson took control of the company. They restructured it into a company that traded energy, and things were going badly, but not bad enough...
AA: Mr. Lay, this isn't going to work. Not enough people are buying our stock.
FL: Hmmm...I know, make the employees buy the stock!
AA: Will the employees want to invest in a company that's going to fail?
FL: They will if they want to keep their jobs. Oh, Artie, see that knob?
AA: Yeah?
FL: Turn it counter-clockwise.
AA: Like this?
FL: That's the baby.
AA: What am I doing?
FL: You just turned off the juice to California.
AA: What? Why?
FL: Two words, junior: supply and demand.
AA: That's three words.
FL: What are you, an accountant?
AA: Yeah, remember?
FL: Oh, right. Okay, we cut off our supply to them. The demand increases, so we can charge more for our supply, and our stock goes up.
AA: Really?
FL:
(Silver and Gold)
Supply and demand
supply and demand
Nothing's more basic than
s'ply and demand.
Making the treasures we seek.
the golden goose with a platinum beak.
Supply and demand
supply and demand
means so much more when I see
supply and demand making millions,
all for you and me!
AA: You're good, Mr. Lay.
FL: I'm the best, that's why this company is going straight into the toilet!
SS: And the stock did go up and up, until it was time to cash out.
FL: Hey, Artie-kins, you all cashed out?
AA: Yes, sir, Mr. Lay.
FL: I'm going to declare bankruptcy then.
(phone rings)
FL: Hello? Why, hello, Mr. Vice President! Advice on energy policy? Why, certainly, I'd be happy to give you advice on energy! See you soon!
(hangs up)
FL: You know who that was, Artie?
AA: The vice president.
FL: What, are you spying on me you neebish?
AA: I'm standing right here!
FL; Oh. Well, it was the Vice-president. Not that there was a prize or anything for guessing right.
AA: What did you just do?
FL: I just agreed to give the vice president advice about the energy business.
AA: You don't know anything about the energy business!
FL: Enough for government work!
AA: I can't believed they're asking you for advice.
FL: How can you say that? Look how successful we are.
AA: We were about to declare bankruptcy.
FL: So, we hold off a little while. Once word gets out that the vice president is coming to us for advice, the price of our stock will double.
AA: Double?
FL; Triple, even.
AA: I don't know, Mr. Lay. That wasn't the plan.
FL: Buck up, Artie. When opportunity comes aknocking, you don't drop a water balloon on it from the bedroom window, no, you ask it in to dance!
SS: So the company continued on its way until...
AA: Mr. Lay! Mr. Lay!
FL: What is it, Artie?
AA: It's the stock. The price is starting to drop. We can't keep it up much longer. We have to declare bankruptcy!
FL: But I'm a pundit now! I'm Frito Lay, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht. I'm the friend of presidents and politicians.
AA: We'll lose everything, sir.
FL: Fine, fine, just do it then.
(phone rings)
FL: Hello. Oh, hello.
AA: Who is it?
FL: (whisper) It's Congress.
AA: What do they want?
FL: So, Congress, what do you want? Oh, I see. Well, sure, we can stop by and testify before you. No problem. No. No problem. No problem. Buh-bye. Artie, we have a problem.
AA: Congress? Congress? What do we do about Congress?
FL: Okay, we will...we'll,..
(Make 'em Laugh)
Plead the Fifth
Plead the Fifth
Everyone, plead the fifth
Don't be late
Wear a tie
Then proceed to shovel the lies
Plead the Fifth
Plead the fifth
Let's sally forth to the fifth
the senators and congressman may get quite annoyed
the press will cover it and then they'll make lots of
noise
But stick together brother, you'll be just one of the boys
Plead the fifth
Plead the fifth
Plead the fifth!
(Gavel)
CM: Excuse me, Mr. Lay, can't you explain what happened?
FL: No, sir. No, I can not.
CM: So, to summarize, you've headed up a huge corporation, taking in moneys from millions of investors and received all sorts of cash bonuses for running said company into the ground.
FL: Gosh, sir, you make it sound like we did that on purpose.
CM: And no one was overseeing you?
FL: Just my accountant, Artie Anderson.
AA: Hey, hi, your congressionalship.
ST: And what do either of you have to say about this?
FL & AA: (Bali-Hai)
bail-us-out, we are calling
bail-us-out, right away.
If you don't prop us right up
Our boom will go away.
SS: And Congress believed them because Congress is paid to believe such things. So Frito Lay and Artie Andersen were able to quit and retire to one of their estates and....
FL: Well, Artie, here we are in one of our fabulous estates.
AA: We sure did it, sir. We did okay.
FL: And we'll keep doing okay, laddie.
AA: How so, Mr. Lay?
FL: I've taken all our money and invested it in shares of K-mart and Global Crossing!
AA: You're the best, Mr. Lay.
FL: That's because---
(Be out Guest)
We invest
we invest
Put our money to the test.
Play the market, buy some futures.
Short some options if it suits ya.
We invest
We invest
Commodities or the index.
Stock incentives and I-R-As
Pension funds or 401ks.
Tax shelters,
off shore banks
certainly both have our thanks
'cause who knows where the money tends to go?
We'll suffer moans and groans
To follow the Dow Jones,
so
We invest
We invest
We invest!!!
end
SS: Our story opens in downtown Houston, as the once great entrepreneur, Frito Lay, laments his fall from the top of the corporate ladder.
FL: (Buddy, can you spare a dime)
Once I had a dot-com
High tech firm
made it all run online.
Once I had a dot-com
Then got spurned
Buddy, can you spare a dime?
SS: But Frito Lay was no quitter. He knew it was his destiny to be a business success. He made the rounds, networked and paid off the right people and was soon back on the executive track.
FL: Here I am, back on the executive track. You think it would be every thing I wanted:
(intercom buzz)
SS: (on intercom) Mr. Lay, Dept. of Agriculture on line one.
FL: Thank you, Gladys.
(buzz)
SS: (on intercom) Mr. Lay, Securities Exchange Commission on line two.
FL: Thank you, Gladys.
(buzz)
SS: (on intercom) Mr. Lay, Dept. of Labor on three.
FL: Geez, could you maybe screen some of these calls, Gladys! It never lets up. I'm working, always working for someone else. I have to find a way to make some real money. I have to upgrade my golden parachute.
(door knock)
FL: Yes, come in.
AA: Yes, hello. Mr. Lay? Are you Mr. Lay? I'm here to see Mr. Lay.
FL: I'm Mr. Lay! Who are you?
AA: I'm your accountant, sir, Artie Anderson. It's time to go over the books.
FL: Oh, of course, the books. You're going to go over my books, eh?
AA: Well, yes, sir. It's my job, sir. It's what I do.
FL: Well, here then, here. Look over these books, by all means. My life laid bare before you, you! you mealy little man.
AA: Hostility hardly seems called for.
FL: Consider it a bonus.
(pages turning)
AA: I can't help but notice there's been a lot of items whited-out here.
FL: Oh, just some assets that needed lightening.
AA: And here; in this column, you started writing your figures in red ink, then half way down switch to blue.
FL: What are you, an accountant or Sherman Williams?
AA: That's funny.
FL: Oh, do I amuse you, Mr. Bean Counter? Mr. Counter of Beans? Mr. Legume Tabulator?
AA: Oh, did you say something? Sorry, I was just thinking.
FL: You were thinking? If there's one thing I learned about the business world it's this: don't make it a habit.
AA: I was thinking about the books.
FL: What's so funny about the books?
AA: Well, it's a funny thought, more. A silly thought. But it could work.
FL: What could work?
AA: Yes, it would. Really. No, no, it's a wacky notion.
FL: This country was founded on wacky notions.
AA: Well, I just noted, and it's only a theory, mind you, but a CEO could make more money with a company that fails than by being successful.
FL: Run that by me again, lad.
AA: A company...it's totally absurd, of course, but if you owned a company and sold more shares than you had, then closed, you could make a killing!
FL: Artie, you're a genius!
AA: Not that you could actually do such a thing.
FL: Don't think negatively, my lad, of course you could do such a thing. It's perfect. A company that exists solely to issue stock.
AA: What would it produce? What would it manufacture?
FL: Not a thing! That's all overhead! We eliminate it and it's even more money for us!
AA: A business that doesn't make stuff?
FL: Indeed, my lad!
(No Business Like Show Business)
there's no business like no business like no business I know.
Inventory only eats up profits
Manufacturing will take up time.
No where can you get that happy feeling
Then when you're stealing
The bottom line.
AA: There's no business like no business---
FL: Like no business I know!
One day you'll be heading up the Fortune five
Then you'll find out you've been downsized.
so why not just go off then and take a dive?
AA & FL:
Let's go on with the sham!
Let's go on with the sham!
AA: But, Mr. Lay, what could we do?
FL: First, we have to find the right company!
AA: How do you do that?
FL: Connections, my lad! It's not what you know, it's who knows you!
SS: So Frito Lay made the rounds and soon was able to link up with the right company.
FL: Success!
AA: You found the right company?
FL: Did I ever!
(Doo-Ron-Ron)
Looking for a job that will make us big dough.
Enron-ron-ron Enron-ron
Lots of stock options for their CEO
Enron-ron-ron Enron-ron
Look to make some dough!
Needs a CEO!
So we'll climb aboard.
Enron-ron-ron-ron Enron-ron
AA: What kind of company is it?
FL: Something to do with energy. It really wasn't clear.
AA: What do we know about the energy industry?
FL: Not a blessed thing! It's perfect!
AA: I don't know, Mr. Lay.
FL: To seal the deal, I just have two words for you: Deregulation.
AA: That's one word.
FL: The guy who told me had an accent. They're going to deregulate the energy business! We don't stand a chance!
AA & FL
Hey, the firm's a sham!
Time to start the scam!
Can't stay afloat too long.
Enron-ron-ron Enron-ron.
SS: So Frito Lay and Artie Anderson took control of the company. They restructured it into a company that traded energy, and things were going badly, but not bad enough...
AA: Mr. Lay, this isn't going to work. Not enough people are buying our stock.
FL: Hmmm...I know, make the employees buy the stock!
AA: Will the employees want to invest in a company that's going to fail?
FL: They will if they want to keep their jobs. Oh, Artie, see that knob?
AA: Yeah?
FL: Turn it counter-clockwise.
AA: Like this?
FL: That's the baby.
AA: What am I doing?
FL: You just turned off the juice to California.
AA: What? Why?
FL: Two words, junior: supply and demand.
AA: That's three words.
FL: What are you, an accountant?
AA: Yeah, remember?
FL: Oh, right. Okay, we cut off our supply to them. The demand increases, so we can charge more for our supply, and our stock goes up.
AA: Really?
FL:
(Silver and Gold)
Supply and demand
supply and demand
Nothing's more basic than
s'ply and demand.
Making the treasures we seek.
the golden goose with a platinum beak.
Supply and demand
supply and demand
means so much more when I see
supply and demand making millions,
all for you and me!
AA: You're good, Mr. Lay.
FL: I'm the best, that's why this company is going straight into the toilet!
SS: And the stock did go up and up, until it was time to cash out.
FL: Hey, Artie-kins, you all cashed out?
AA: Yes, sir, Mr. Lay.
FL: I'm going to declare bankruptcy then.
(phone rings)
FL: Hello? Why, hello, Mr. Vice President! Advice on energy policy? Why, certainly, I'd be happy to give you advice on energy! See you soon!
(hangs up)
FL: You know who that was, Artie?
AA: The vice president.
FL: What, are you spying on me you neebish?
AA: I'm standing right here!
FL; Oh. Well, it was the Vice-president. Not that there was a prize or anything for guessing right.
AA: What did you just do?
FL: I just agreed to give the vice president advice about the energy business.
AA: You don't know anything about the energy business!
FL: Enough for government work!
AA: I can't believed they're asking you for advice.
FL: How can you say that? Look how successful we are.
AA: We were about to declare bankruptcy.
FL: So, we hold off a little while. Once word gets out that the vice president is coming to us for advice, the price of our stock will double.
AA: Double?
FL; Triple, even.
AA: I don't know, Mr. Lay. That wasn't the plan.
FL: Buck up, Artie. When opportunity comes aknocking, you don't drop a water balloon on it from the bedroom window, no, you ask it in to dance!
SS: So the company continued on its way until...
AA: Mr. Lay! Mr. Lay!
FL: What is it, Artie?
AA: It's the stock. The price is starting to drop. We can't keep it up much longer. We have to declare bankruptcy!
FL: But I'm a pundit now! I'm Frito Lay, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht. I'm the friend of presidents and politicians.
AA: We'll lose everything, sir.
FL: Fine, fine, just do it then.
(phone rings)
FL: Hello. Oh, hello.
AA: Who is it?
FL: (whisper) It's Congress.
AA: What do they want?
FL: So, Congress, what do you want? Oh, I see. Well, sure, we can stop by and testify before you. No problem. No. No problem. No problem. Buh-bye. Artie, we have a problem.
AA: Congress? Congress? What do we do about Congress?
FL: Okay, we will...we'll,..
(Make 'em Laugh)
Plead the Fifth
Plead the Fifth
Everyone, plead the fifth
Don't be late
Wear a tie
Then proceed to shovel the lies
Plead the Fifth
Plead the fifth
Let's sally forth to the fifth
the senators and congressman may get quite annoyed
the press will cover it and then they'll make lots of
noise
But stick together brother, you'll be just one of the boys
Plead the fifth
Plead the fifth
Plead the fifth!
(Gavel)
CM: Excuse me, Mr. Lay, can't you explain what happened?
FL: No, sir. No, I can not.
CM: So, to summarize, you've headed up a huge corporation, taking in moneys from millions of investors and received all sorts of cash bonuses for running said company into the ground.
FL: Gosh, sir, you make it sound like we did that on purpose.
CM: And no one was overseeing you?
FL: Just my accountant, Artie Anderson.
AA: Hey, hi, your congressionalship.
ST: And what do either of you have to say about this?
FL & AA: (Bali-Hai)
bail-us-out, we are calling
bail-us-out, right away.
If you don't prop us right up
Our boom will go away.
SS: And Congress believed them because Congress is paid to believe such things. So Frito Lay and Artie Andersen were able to quit and retire to one of their estates and....
FL: Well, Artie, here we are in one of our fabulous estates.
AA: We sure did it, sir. We did okay.
FL: And we'll keep doing okay, laddie.
AA: How so, Mr. Lay?
FL: I've taken all our money and invested it in shares of K-mart and Global Crossing!
AA: You're the best, Mr. Lay.
FL: That's because---
(Be out Guest)
We invest
we invest
Put our money to the test.
Play the market, buy some futures.
Short some options if it suits ya.
We invest
We invest
Commodities or the index.
Stock incentives and I-R-As
Pension funds or 401ks.
Tax shelters,
off shore banks
certainly both have our thanks
'cause who knows where the money tends to go?
We'll suffer moans and groans
To follow the Dow Jones,
so
We invest
We invest
We invest!!!
end
