From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Breaking the timeline here to go with the holidays. Easter's coming up and as it turns out, I didn't write a lot of Easter themed material. I guess it never pulled me in the way Christmas and Halloween do. But doing this deep dive into my old work, I brought up this thing that I had written and frankly had forgotten about. That prompted me to do a PC search and I pulled up one or two other bits.
Again, I had forgotten this sketch. It's an odd little bit. I see I was doing a PETA parody, though I'm not sure what triggered it. Then I have that very solemn animal speech in the middle. Don't know where that came out of. And I'm guessing I the term "vegan" hadn't been coined yet, based on one line. I may have been inspired by a Looney Tunes cartoon, where Elmer Fudd is hunting the Easter Bunny and the Easter Bunny tricks Bugs Bunny into completing the route. We'll post it under the commercial...
Again, I had forgotten this sketch. It's an odd little bit. I see I was doing a PETA parody, though I'm not sure what triggered it. Then I have that very solemn animal speech in the middle. Don't know where that came out of. And I'm guessing I the term "vegan" hadn't been coined yet, based on one line. I may have been inspired by a Looney Tunes cartoon, where Elmer Fudd is hunting the Easter Bunny and the Easter Bunny tricks Bugs Bunny into completing the route. We'll post it under the commercial...
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P.A.U.L.A.
(BASEMENT SOUNDS: ECHOING STEPS, CREAKY DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS. MUFFLED CRIES)
SS: Hurry, hurry. Put him in the chair.
TR: Okay, okay.
(THUMP. MUFFLED OUCH)
SS: Did anyone see us?
TR: No. It's a clean job.
SS: Excellent. Okay, I guess you can take off his hood now. Mr. Bunny? Mr. E. Bunny?
EB: Yes, I'm the Easter Bunny! Who are you people? What do you want from me?
SS: We're trying to save you.
EB: Save me? Save me? Who are you people?
SS: We're P.A.U.L.A
EB: Paula? Paula who? Who's Paula?
SS: No, P.A.U.L.A, People Against Unethical Leashing of Animals.
EB: What lease? I'm not on a leash!
TR: It's more of a metaphorical leash...any unnatural treatment.
EB: Oh. What's that got to do with me?
SS: We're rescuing you from your human enslavers.
EB: Human enslavers? What the hippity-hop are you talking about?
SS: The sweatshop where you are forced to gather and dye eggs and deliver them all over the world for the amusement of people.
TR: Eggs, man, eggs! So they can eat them! Barbarians!
EB: What's up with him?
SS: He's a strict vegetarian. He doesn't eat anything with a face. Or anything that comes out of their bodies.
EB: How about jelly beans? Does he eat jelly beans?
TR: I love jelly beans!
EB: Here, have some jelly beans.
SS: Don't eat those! You'll be contributing to the exploitation of this poor creature.
EB: I'm not that poor...I'm pretty well off.
TR: How can you be well off? You only work one day a year.
EB: True. But I get holiday pay.
SS: Well, you're free now, free of the anthropomorphism people have foisted upon you, a martyr to this spring season.
EB: I'm a symbol not a martyr. Don't you realize the message I bring? What I represent? Animals have always played a role in God's work. From the donkey who brought Mary to the stable, to the animals that spoke on the first Christmas night, to the dove who anointed Jesus, Animals have been a messenger of the good news. It's all part of the bigger picture.
TR: Whoa.
SS: Man, you're right. I'm sorry. We shouldn't have done this. I'll untie you. Hurry on back.
EB: Thank you. And here's some jelly beans for you.
TR: Thank you.
(DOOR SLAM)
TR: He was a nice bunny.
SS: Yeah. He was. Persuasive as all get-out too.
TR: I really thought it would work too. I even brought my lucky rabbit's foot.
SS: Your what??
TR: Whoops.
end
SS: Hurry, hurry. Put him in the chair.
TR: Okay, okay.
(THUMP. MUFFLED OUCH)
SS: Did anyone see us?
TR: No. It's a clean job.
SS: Excellent. Okay, I guess you can take off his hood now. Mr. Bunny? Mr. E. Bunny?
EB: Yes, I'm the Easter Bunny! Who are you people? What do you want from me?
SS: We're trying to save you.
EB: Save me? Save me? Who are you people?
SS: We're P.A.U.L.A
EB: Paula? Paula who? Who's Paula?
SS: No, P.A.U.L.A, People Against Unethical Leashing of Animals.
EB: What lease? I'm not on a leash!
TR: It's more of a metaphorical leash...any unnatural treatment.
EB: Oh. What's that got to do with me?
SS: We're rescuing you from your human enslavers.
EB: Human enslavers? What the hippity-hop are you talking about?
SS: The sweatshop where you are forced to gather and dye eggs and deliver them all over the world for the amusement of people.
TR: Eggs, man, eggs! So they can eat them! Barbarians!
EB: What's up with him?
SS: He's a strict vegetarian. He doesn't eat anything with a face. Or anything that comes out of their bodies.
EB: How about jelly beans? Does he eat jelly beans?
TR: I love jelly beans!
EB: Here, have some jelly beans.
SS: Don't eat those! You'll be contributing to the exploitation of this poor creature.
EB: I'm not that poor...I'm pretty well off.
TR: How can you be well off? You only work one day a year.
EB: True. But I get holiday pay.
SS: Well, you're free now, free of the anthropomorphism people have foisted upon you, a martyr to this spring season.
EB: I'm a symbol not a martyr. Don't you realize the message I bring? What I represent? Animals have always played a role in God's work. From the donkey who brought Mary to the stable, to the animals that spoke on the first Christmas night, to the dove who anointed Jesus, Animals have been a messenger of the good news. It's all part of the bigger picture.
TR: Whoa.
SS: Man, you're right. I'm sorry. We shouldn't have done this. I'll untie you. Hurry on back.
EB: Thank you. And here's some jelly beans for you.
TR: Thank you.
(DOOR SLAM)
TR: He was a nice bunny.
SS: Yeah. He was. Persuasive as all get-out too.
TR: I really thought it would work too. I even brought my lucky rabbit's foot.
SS: Your what??
TR: Whoops.
end
