From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
I'll admit it, this skit is nuts. I really had no business submitting it to PHC. You see, I had once written a sketch called "M*A*R*X", a mash-up of of M*A*S*H and the Marx Bros. (get it?). I really loved that sketch, especially the song parody I wrote, which technically isn't a parody, I just re-purposed a Groucho Marx song to make another Groucho Marx song. But I fell in love with this song. I thought I had really stretched my wings coming up with such a Marxian ditty. I showed it to everyone like it was a big deal. Obviously, no one thought it was such a big deal.
Anyway, needing to feed the PHC beast, I pulled out this sketch. But it wouldn't work. It was a TV parody. Garrison Keillor doesn't do TV. So I worked up some new material all to set up the same song. Having re-read it, turns out it's like the first 3 lines are the extent of the new stuff. Plus I have the same actor doing both Chico and Groucho. That's just ridiculous! What was I thinking? Obviously, I was hoping to get by on the old-timey, nostalgia vibe, thinking it was in the same universe as "Abbott & Othello." I guess it wasn't. But I'm still proud of that song.
Anyway, needing to feed the PHC beast, I pulled out this sketch. But it wouldn't work. It was a TV parody. Garrison Keillor doesn't do TV. So I worked up some new material all to set up the same song. Having re-read it, turns out it's like the first 3 lines are the extent of the new stuff. Plus I have the same actor doing both Chico and Groucho. That's just ridiculous! What was I thinking? Obviously, I was hoping to get by on the old-timey, nostalgia vibe, thinking it was in the same universe as "Abbott & Othello." I guess it wasn't. But I'm still proud of that song.
Doctor Hackenbush
(SS, GK, TR, The Band)
SS: Garrison! Garrison Keillor!
GK: Yes, Mrs. Baumgratz? That's Mrs. Baumgratz, our den mother.
SS: It's time for your annual physical.
GK: I know, I'll make an appointment soon.
SS: Think again. You've put this off long enough, so I made it for you. The doctor's here.
GK: What? Here? But we're doing the show.
SS: You'll be setting a good example for the listening audience. Oh, Dr. Hackenbush, he's ready for you!
(HOORAY FOR CAPT. SPAUDLING PLAYS)
TR: (as Groucho) Welcome, welcome to I save your life. Bring out the next contestant!
GK: Hi, doctor.
TR: Just a little, from all the ether, oh, wait, hi! Yes, hello. So what seems to be the problem?
GK: I'm doing a radio show.
TR: That's quite a problem. I've heard that from a lot of people. So how's that radio thing going, anyway?
GK: Pretty good. We've been on the air for 25 years now.
TR: Well, I always said you had the perfect face for radio. Turn you head and cough.
GK: Is this really necessary?
TR: I don't have to do it, I want to. Where's my nurse? Nurse!
TR: (as Chico) Hey, boss, I'ma here!
GK: He's a nurse?
TR: (as Chico) I'ma male nurse.
GK: Where did you study?
TR: (as Chico) Parcel Post.
TR: (as Groucho) Put this in your mouth and say "ah."
GK: Aaaah.
TR: Yes, it is cute, isn't it? Hmmm. Hmmm. I'm going to have to operate. Nurse, see if my malpractice is paid up.
GK: Operate? You're going to operate based on looking in my throat? Don't you have to run some tests?
TR: Well, I'd perform a CAT scan, if I had a cat.
TR: (as Chico) Hey, doc, look! Your next appointment is-a here.
(HORN HONKS)
GK: That's your patient?
TR: Either that or we've entered a fog bank.
(HONK)
GK: What's wrong with him?
(HORN HONKS)
TR: (as Chico) I think he swallowed a goose.
(HONK)
TR (Grouch0): Let's take a gander, after all, what's good for the goose is good for a gander.
GK: I think this is quite enough.
TR: I'll be the judge of that. After all, I am the doctor. Though for a few dollars more, I could have been a judge.
TR: (as Chico) Hey, doc, if you were a judge, what would that make me?
TR: Guilty.
GK: You know, I think you should leave now. And I think you should cancel any of my future appointments, you quack.
TR: You wound me, sir. Mightily. I am a dedicated physician. Why I remember once while I was discovering the cure for penicillin, Dr, Schweitzer asked me, or was it Dr. Suess? Needless to say it was a good laugh on the both of us. Which reminds me of a bit of gossip that's sooo juicy it makes me blush. And I made it up. But it wasn't always this way. Picture a boy, lonely. Desolate. His father forced to take in stranger's laundry. His mother forced to take in strangers. Which is where she met father...
TR: A small boy, reading books by candle light. He scrimped and saved and worked his way through medical school, wearing his sister's hand-me-downs. Fortunately Sis was butch. Today that boy is a noted physician. Top of his field. Respected by all. Earning thousands of dollars and some day I'll find him. He owes me five dollars. But that's my blue cross to bear. Medicine is a wonderful field, to hear me tell. And I think I will...
MEDICINE SONG
(sung to "Lydia the Tattoo Lady")
Medicine, oh medicine,
Say have you tried medicine?
Medicine, the cure for what ails ya.
If a bone is dislocated,
Or you want to be sedated.
Medicine, oh medicine,
No one sins like medicine.
Medicine, the king of all cures.
For a cold we give pills to keep it at bay.
And inside a week, it should go away.
If not in week, then perhaps seven days.
You can earn a lot from medicine.
LA-La-La La-La-La
You get such a thrill
When you hand them your bill,
With the options to get-it-paid.
You can take cash or charge
For amounts small or large,
While padding out their medicaid.
La-LA-LA LA-LA-LA
Medicine, oh medicine.
Say, have you tried medicine?
Medicine, the cure for what ails ya.
If you want to see some action,
Watch us put you up it traction.
Medicine, oh Medicine,
Say, I practice medicine.
Medicine the king of all cures.
Urine bottles we ask you to go and fill up.
And nurses serve slop when you want to sup.
But with knives and scalpels we're really cut-ups.
You can earn a lot in medicine.
LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA
If with the ladies you're constantly killin'
Come and get a shot of penicillin.
We prescribe pills that give you sta-min-a
With friends like us, who needs en-a-mas?
LA-LA-LA La-LA-La
With our X-rays you get radiation
If you squawk you go under sedation.
Make a fuss and you'll get a heart attack,
That's okay, it pays for my Cadillac.
LA-LA-LA La-LA-La
Oh medicine, Oh medicine,
Say, let's have some medicine,
Medicine, the king of all cures.
It all started back with the Hypocrites,
With his noble quest to cure all diseases.
And now we all clean up when we charge our fees,
You can earn a lot from medicine
I said medicine!
>He said medicine.
They said medicine! Ole!
END
SS: Garrison! Garrison Keillor!
GK: Yes, Mrs. Baumgratz? That's Mrs. Baumgratz, our den mother.
SS: It's time for your annual physical.
GK: I know, I'll make an appointment soon.
SS: Think again. You've put this off long enough, so I made it for you. The doctor's here.
GK: What? Here? But we're doing the show.
SS: You'll be setting a good example for the listening audience. Oh, Dr. Hackenbush, he's ready for you!
(HOORAY FOR CAPT. SPAUDLING PLAYS)
TR: (as Groucho) Welcome, welcome to I save your life. Bring out the next contestant!
GK: Hi, doctor.
TR: Just a little, from all the ether, oh, wait, hi! Yes, hello. So what seems to be the problem?
GK: I'm doing a radio show.
TR: That's quite a problem. I've heard that from a lot of people. So how's that radio thing going, anyway?
GK: Pretty good. We've been on the air for 25 years now.
TR: Well, I always said you had the perfect face for radio. Turn you head and cough.
GK: Is this really necessary?
TR: I don't have to do it, I want to. Where's my nurse? Nurse!
TR: (as Chico) Hey, boss, I'ma here!
GK: He's a nurse?
TR: (as Chico) I'ma male nurse.
GK: Where did you study?
TR: (as Chico) Parcel Post.
TR: (as Groucho) Put this in your mouth and say "ah."
GK: Aaaah.
TR: Yes, it is cute, isn't it? Hmmm. Hmmm. I'm going to have to operate. Nurse, see if my malpractice is paid up.
GK: Operate? You're going to operate based on looking in my throat? Don't you have to run some tests?
TR: Well, I'd perform a CAT scan, if I had a cat.
TR: (as Chico) Hey, doc, look! Your next appointment is-a here.
(HORN HONKS)
GK: That's your patient?
TR: Either that or we've entered a fog bank.
(HONK)
GK: What's wrong with him?
(HORN HONKS)
TR: (as Chico) I think he swallowed a goose.
(HONK)
TR (Grouch0): Let's take a gander, after all, what's good for the goose is good for a gander.
GK: I think this is quite enough.
TR: I'll be the judge of that. After all, I am the doctor. Though for a few dollars more, I could have been a judge.
TR: (as Chico) Hey, doc, if you were a judge, what would that make me?
TR: Guilty.
GK: You know, I think you should leave now. And I think you should cancel any of my future appointments, you quack.
TR: You wound me, sir. Mightily. I am a dedicated physician. Why I remember once while I was discovering the cure for penicillin, Dr, Schweitzer asked me, or was it Dr. Suess? Needless to say it was a good laugh on the both of us. Which reminds me of a bit of gossip that's sooo juicy it makes me blush. And I made it up. But it wasn't always this way. Picture a boy, lonely. Desolate. His father forced to take in stranger's laundry. His mother forced to take in strangers. Which is where she met father...
TR: A small boy, reading books by candle light. He scrimped and saved and worked his way through medical school, wearing his sister's hand-me-downs. Fortunately Sis was butch. Today that boy is a noted physician. Top of his field. Respected by all. Earning thousands of dollars and some day I'll find him. He owes me five dollars. But that's my blue cross to bear. Medicine is a wonderful field, to hear me tell. And I think I will...
MEDICINE SONG
(sung to "Lydia the Tattoo Lady")
Medicine, oh medicine,
Say have you tried medicine?
Medicine, the cure for what ails ya.
If a bone is dislocated,
Or you want to be sedated.
Medicine, oh medicine,
No one sins like medicine.
Medicine, the king of all cures.
For a cold we give pills to keep it at bay.
And inside a week, it should go away.
If not in week, then perhaps seven days.
You can earn a lot from medicine.
LA-La-La La-La-La
You get such a thrill
When you hand them your bill,
With the options to get-it-paid.
You can take cash or charge
For amounts small or large,
While padding out their medicaid.
La-LA-LA LA-LA-LA
Medicine, oh medicine.
Say, have you tried medicine?
Medicine, the cure for what ails ya.
If you want to see some action,
Watch us put you up it traction.
Medicine, oh Medicine,
Say, I practice medicine.
Medicine the king of all cures.
Urine bottles we ask you to go and fill up.
And nurses serve slop when you want to sup.
But with knives and scalpels we're really cut-ups.
You can earn a lot in medicine.
LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA
If with the ladies you're constantly killin'
Come and get a shot of penicillin.
We prescribe pills that give you sta-min-a
With friends like us, who needs en-a-mas?
LA-LA-LA La-LA-La
With our X-rays you get radiation
If you squawk you go under sedation.
Make a fuss and you'll get a heart attack,
That's okay, it pays for my Cadillac.
LA-LA-LA La-LA-La
Oh medicine, Oh medicine,
Say, let's have some medicine,
Medicine, the king of all cures.
It all started back with the Hypocrites,
With his noble quest to cure all diseases.
And now we all clean up when we charge our fees,
You can earn a lot from medicine
I said medicine!
>He said medicine.
They said medicine! Ole!
END
