From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Well, Christmas in New York City means one thing; A ungodly number of tourists in the city. It's like a mosh pit of elves. Once, I got tickets to the SNL dress rehearsal and we almost didn't make it to the studio because of the human traffic gridlock. Years ago, we tired to get to the lighting of the Rockefeller Tree and the closest we could get was Times Square. West. So, when PHC came to the city, it seemed like a good place to vent and try to teach people the best way to travel around the city during the holidays...BY STAYING OUT OF OUR WAY! I wrote up all my little pet peeves and assembled them into the sketch below. And GK, like many tourists before and since, took no heed to it.
Commuter Etiquette
(TE:Teacher, MN:Man, WO:Woman)
GK: Tonight's show is brought to you by the Holly Growers of America would want to put more holly in your holidays. Also by the Mistletoe Association whose motto is "Mistletoe; it's as good an excuse as any."
TE: Good evening and welcome to the New School. We're here for Commuter Etiquette 101 and I'm your instructor, Arnold Keller. Come in, come in and please move to the back of the class room. All the way in people. Now watch the closing door. Okay, we're here to learn the proper way to handle yourself on New York's many forms of transportation.
In New York, you can get around by train, by bus, by boat and even by cable tram, but we don't care about those big shots out there on their fancy-schmacy island. Question?
MN: Whenever I go into a subway or bus and sit, I get dirty looks from people standing. What's up with that?
TE: Well, you see, when on a subway or bus, you'll notice certain seats with a decal on it asking you to give up your seat to the elderly or pregnant. This is common courtesy. If you are seated, you should let an elderly person sit there. Or a pregnant lady. Or especially an elderly pregnant lady, because, what are you, a mook? Get up.
MN: What about those non-elderly and non-pregnant woman giving me dirty looks?
TE: Well, thanks to woman's lib, you don't have to give up your seat to a woman because she's just another commuter, just like you. What makes her so special? She wearing a cast or something? Forgetabout it.
WO: I always get these big ga-vones trying to squeeze into these tiny spots. Is that right?
TE: For those of us less thin, it's not proper etiquette to squeeze yourself into the last remaining spot on a bus or subway seat. What are you, dreaming? Maybe when you were 18 you could fit in there, but not now. So just stand there and finish your donut.
If the doors are closing, do not stick your hand or leg into the door to force it open. The edges of the door are razor sharp and will take off a limb and that just slows everybody down and nobody wants that. Question?
WO: Yeah, I notice when I'm standing, it's really close to a guy sitting, so how am I suppose to stand, with my groin or butt facing him?
TE: Good question. Ideally, you should stand facing the front of the car, your side to the sitting commuter. But if the car or bus gets crowded, it doesn't matter. Too bad for him, you know? You paid the same to ride as him, so what if your butt is in his face? What is he, in first class with warm towels while you gotta stand? Too bad for him.
Another thing, when waiting on a platform or terminal, don't work your way up to the front. All those people in front of you? Yeah, they're trying to get on the thing, same as you. So unless you're planning to walk on ahead, stop cutting, 'cause nobody likes a cutter.
And this is important with tourist, when you enter the vehicle don't step through the doors then stop and stand there like a statue, looking around, like you have a choice between orchestra seats or balcony. Get on the frickin' train, 'cause there's a load of people behind you and they're none to happy, you know? Get in and keep moving.
MN: What's the deal with those "no talking" signs on the bus?
TE: On buses, don't talk to the bus driver while the bus is in motion. You think it's easy driving one of those things? It ain't. The driver cannot talk to you while driving. He's like one of those British guards in England and you're lucky he can't talk, 'cause he'd probably tell you to shut up and sit down. So I'm telling you now, shut up and sit down.
If a bus should have an accident, you may not get on the bus to pretend you were riding it and got hurt at the time of the accident unless you say "May I?"
Okay, any thing else? Well, our time's about up so please exit the room by using all the doors and make sure you take all your belongings.
end
GK: Tonight's show is brought to you by the Holly Growers of America would want to put more holly in your holidays. Also by the Mistletoe Association whose motto is "Mistletoe; it's as good an excuse as any."
TE: Good evening and welcome to the New School. We're here for Commuter Etiquette 101 and I'm your instructor, Arnold Keller. Come in, come in and please move to the back of the class room. All the way in people. Now watch the closing door. Okay, we're here to learn the proper way to handle yourself on New York's many forms of transportation.
In New York, you can get around by train, by bus, by boat and even by cable tram, but we don't care about those big shots out there on their fancy-schmacy island. Question?
MN: Whenever I go into a subway or bus and sit, I get dirty looks from people standing. What's up with that?
TE: Well, you see, when on a subway or bus, you'll notice certain seats with a decal on it asking you to give up your seat to the elderly or pregnant. This is common courtesy. If you are seated, you should let an elderly person sit there. Or a pregnant lady. Or especially an elderly pregnant lady, because, what are you, a mook? Get up.
MN: What about those non-elderly and non-pregnant woman giving me dirty looks?
TE: Well, thanks to woman's lib, you don't have to give up your seat to a woman because she's just another commuter, just like you. What makes her so special? She wearing a cast or something? Forgetabout it.
WO: I always get these big ga-vones trying to squeeze into these tiny spots. Is that right?
TE: For those of us less thin, it's not proper etiquette to squeeze yourself into the last remaining spot on a bus or subway seat. What are you, dreaming? Maybe when you were 18 you could fit in there, but not now. So just stand there and finish your donut.
If the doors are closing, do not stick your hand or leg into the door to force it open. The edges of the door are razor sharp and will take off a limb and that just slows everybody down and nobody wants that. Question?
WO: Yeah, I notice when I'm standing, it's really close to a guy sitting, so how am I suppose to stand, with my groin or butt facing him?
TE: Good question. Ideally, you should stand facing the front of the car, your side to the sitting commuter. But if the car or bus gets crowded, it doesn't matter. Too bad for him, you know? You paid the same to ride as him, so what if your butt is in his face? What is he, in first class with warm towels while you gotta stand? Too bad for him.
Another thing, when waiting on a platform or terminal, don't work your way up to the front. All those people in front of you? Yeah, they're trying to get on the thing, same as you. So unless you're planning to walk on ahead, stop cutting, 'cause nobody likes a cutter.
And this is important with tourist, when you enter the vehicle don't step through the doors then stop and stand there like a statue, looking around, like you have a choice between orchestra seats or balcony. Get on the frickin' train, 'cause there's a load of people behind you and they're none to happy, you know? Get in and keep moving.
MN: What's the deal with those "no talking" signs on the bus?
TE: On buses, don't talk to the bus driver while the bus is in motion. You think it's easy driving one of those things? It ain't. The driver cannot talk to you while driving. He's like one of those British guards in England and you're lucky he can't talk, 'cause he'd probably tell you to shut up and sit down. So I'm telling you now, shut up and sit down.
If a bus should have an accident, you may not get on the bus to pretend you were riding it and got hurt at the time of the accident unless you say "May I?"
Okay, any thing else? Well, our time's about up so please exit the room by using all the doors and make sure you take all your belongings.
end
