From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
One of those sketches I have no recollection of. What inspired it? Beats me. Not a wrestling fan. PHC had turned Jesse Venture into a reoccurring character on the show. Wrestling was big again, bouncing between cable and broadcast TV. The various smackdown shows were big POV. Obviously, I wrote it but why did I ever think PHC would use it? I can't say. Anyway, there didn't, so here it is...
Christmas Smackdown
GK: Tonight on public radio, it's a Yuletide special from the World Wrestling Society, Christmas Smackdown!
VENTURA: I'm Jesse Ventura and I'll be your host and announcer as two of the greatest villains of Christmas face off in a steel cage death match of biblical proportions!
RING ANNOUNCER: In this corner, the Terror of the Tundra, the North Pole Nasty, the ABOMINABLE SNOWMONSTER!
(Crowd boos, Abominable roars.)
RING ANNOUNCER: In this corner, The Horror of Whoville, the creature of whom the best three words to describe are "stink, stank, stunk," the Grinch!
(Crowd boos)
GRINCH: You people, the young and the small, the old and the tall, you make me sick.
YUKON: I'm Yukon Cornelius and I manage Bumbles, and he's gonna win because he's hungry, he's mean, he wants it. That Grinch doesn't have the heart for this. I hear it's two sizes too small.
VENTURA: The two Terrible Titans of Yuletide battle for the title of "Baddest Christmas Baddie" in a match that puts the "mess" back in "Christmas."
(bell rings, crowd cheers)
VENTURA: Grinch, how do you feel?
GRINCH: I'm going to obliterate Abominable.
VENTURA: People say you're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. They say you really are a heel. It's said you're as cuddly as a cactus, or that you're as charming as an eel---
GRINCH: Okay, I get it, I get it.
VENTURA: So, Cornelius, how you see the match shaping up?
YUKON: We're going to win it. Bumbles can't be pinned. Bumbles can't be hurt. Bumbles bounce!
VENTURA: Also on the card, Ebenezer Scrooge vs. the BurgerMeister MeisterBurger in a grudge match of the season!
SCROOGE: Bah! Humbug!
BURGER: They'll be no more toys!
VENTURA: It's a jingle bell blow out, tonight on Christmas Smackdown! Tune in and get the Christmas spirit...upside your head!
GK: Christmas Smackdown, tonight on most of these public radio stations.
END
VENTURA: I'm Jesse Ventura and I'll be your host and announcer as two of the greatest villains of Christmas face off in a steel cage death match of biblical proportions!
RING ANNOUNCER: In this corner, the Terror of the Tundra, the North Pole Nasty, the ABOMINABLE SNOWMONSTER!
(Crowd boos, Abominable roars.)
RING ANNOUNCER: In this corner, The Horror of Whoville, the creature of whom the best three words to describe are "stink, stank, stunk," the Grinch!
(Crowd boos)
GRINCH: You people, the young and the small, the old and the tall, you make me sick.
YUKON: I'm Yukon Cornelius and I manage Bumbles, and he's gonna win because he's hungry, he's mean, he wants it. That Grinch doesn't have the heart for this. I hear it's two sizes too small.
VENTURA: The two Terrible Titans of Yuletide battle for the title of "Baddest Christmas Baddie" in a match that puts the "mess" back in "Christmas."
(bell rings, crowd cheers)
VENTURA: Grinch, how do you feel?
GRINCH: I'm going to obliterate Abominable.
VENTURA: People say you're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. They say you really are a heel. It's said you're as cuddly as a cactus, or that you're as charming as an eel---
GRINCH: Okay, I get it, I get it.
VENTURA: So, Cornelius, how you see the match shaping up?
YUKON: We're going to win it. Bumbles can't be pinned. Bumbles can't be hurt. Bumbles bounce!
VENTURA: Also on the card, Ebenezer Scrooge vs. the BurgerMeister MeisterBurger in a grudge match of the season!
SCROOGE: Bah! Humbug!
BURGER: They'll be no more toys!
VENTURA: It's a jingle bell blow out, tonight on Christmas Smackdown! Tune in and get the Christmas spirit...upside your head!
GK: Christmas Smackdown, tonight on most of these public radio stations.
END
