From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
There were only 2 live shows in May, based on my files. I don't know where this idea came from, but I can see the attraction for me. Radio DJs were always doing phone-in contests to bring in ratings. And Public radio was always trying to raise money, so it seemed to make sense to have PHC do a phone-in contest with a prize give-away. And, of course, it wouldn't go well. I thought it would be funny having GK be the straight man with the series of callers and to top it off the prizes would be bad. I always go back to cheese when I go for a comedic complication. It didn't make the grade.
Call in
(GK, C1:Caller 1, C2: Caller 2, C3, C4, AG: Angelo)
GK: Okay, let's open up the phone lines now and I'll take the 16th caller for our weekend prize package. Hello?
C1: (on phone) Hello? Am I the 16th caller?
GK: No, you're the 15th caller. Sorry. Hello?
C2: Hello?
GK: Hello?
C2: I'm calling for the contest. Is this the contest?
GK: Yes it is. You're our 16th caller!
C2: I won! Yay!
GK: Yessiree. You're our 16th caller and our lucky winner. Now you get to choose from three sets of prizes. You can choose the festive cheese wheel, the lifetime supply of foot powder or dinner for one at Chez Chaz.
C2: That's it? Those are the prizes?
GK: Yes.
C2: Those are lousy prizes.
GK: You don't like the prizes?
C2: No.
GK: Then why did you call in?
C2: I just heard it was contest time. I have the number on speed-dial. I just automatically dialed it. I didn't realize the prizes were so lame.
GK: They are actually very nice prizes.
C2: In what parallel universe?
GK: These are the prizes we have. You have to choose.
C2: What happened to those concert tickets? Or the island vacation give-away?
GK: We never had a vacation give-away. Now then, pick a prize.
C2: I don't wanna.
GK: Pick one.
(click. Dial tone)
GK: Hello? It seems we've lost our 16th caller.
(phone rings)
GK: Hello. You're our new 16th caller.
C3: I was just calling to say I think caller 16 had a point about the prizes.
GK: Do you want the festive cheese wheel or not?
C3: No.
GK: Fine, be that way. We're opening the phone lines to a new 16th caller for our prize package give-away. The phone lines are now open. Waiting for caller 16. Caller 16. Okay, I'll take caller number 10. The tenth caller will be permitted to pick from our prize package collection. Number 10.
(phone rings)
Close enough. Hello?
C4: I'd like to order a large pizza, 1/2 mushroom, 1/2 sausage.
GK: Sorry, you've got a wrong number.
C4: Oh, come on, Angelo, stop pulling my chain.
GK: I assure you sir, this is not Angelo.
C4: You going to give me my pie or not?
GK: I have no pie to give. I do have a festive cheese wheel.
C4: That's it, Angelo, I'm taking my business elsewhere!
(click. Dial tone)
GK: Okay, our lines are open. We'll take the next caller.
(phone rings)
GK: Hello, you're our winning caller. What's your name?
AG: This is Angelo! What are you trying to do, put me out of business? Stop driving away my customers!
GK: I'm quite sorry about that, Angelo. I wish I could make it up to you....by giving you a festive cheese wheel.
(click. Dial tone)
GK: All right. We're going to close down the phone lines now, and get back to the show...
end
GK: Okay, let's open up the phone lines now and I'll take the 16th caller for our weekend prize package. Hello?
C1: (on phone) Hello? Am I the 16th caller?
GK: No, you're the 15th caller. Sorry. Hello?
C2: Hello?
GK: Hello?
C2: I'm calling for the contest. Is this the contest?
GK: Yes it is. You're our 16th caller!
C2: I won! Yay!
GK: Yessiree. You're our 16th caller and our lucky winner. Now you get to choose from three sets of prizes. You can choose the festive cheese wheel, the lifetime supply of foot powder or dinner for one at Chez Chaz.
C2: That's it? Those are the prizes?
GK: Yes.
C2: Those are lousy prizes.
GK: You don't like the prizes?
C2: No.
GK: Then why did you call in?
C2: I just heard it was contest time. I have the number on speed-dial. I just automatically dialed it. I didn't realize the prizes were so lame.
GK: They are actually very nice prizes.
C2: In what parallel universe?
GK: These are the prizes we have. You have to choose.
C2: What happened to those concert tickets? Or the island vacation give-away?
GK: We never had a vacation give-away. Now then, pick a prize.
C2: I don't wanna.
GK: Pick one.
(click. Dial tone)
GK: Hello? It seems we've lost our 16th caller.
(phone rings)
GK: Hello. You're our new 16th caller.
C3: I was just calling to say I think caller 16 had a point about the prizes.
GK: Do you want the festive cheese wheel or not?
C3: No.
GK: Fine, be that way. We're opening the phone lines to a new 16th caller for our prize package give-away. The phone lines are now open. Waiting for caller 16. Caller 16. Okay, I'll take caller number 10. The tenth caller will be permitted to pick from our prize package collection. Number 10.
(phone rings)
Close enough. Hello?
C4: I'd like to order a large pizza, 1/2 mushroom, 1/2 sausage.
GK: Sorry, you've got a wrong number.
C4: Oh, come on, Angelo, stop pulling my chain.
GK: I assure you sir, this is not Angelo.
C4: You going to give me my pie or not?
GK: I have no pie to give. I do have a festive cheese wheel.
C4: That's it, Angelo, I'm taking my business elsewhere!
(click. Dial tone)
GK: Okay, our lines are open. We'll take the next caller.
(phone rings)
GK: Hello, you're our winning caller. What's your name?
AG: This is Angelo! What are you trying to do, put me out of business? Stop driving away my customers!
GK: I'm quite sorry about that, Angelo. I wish I could make it up to you....by giving you a festive cheese wheel.
(click. Dial tone)
GK: All right. We're going to close down the phone lines now, and get back to the show...
end
