From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Once upon a time, the National Rifle Association thought it was going to open a theme restaurant in New York City (Suck on that, Dr. Jekyll's! Later for you, Mission to Mars!) As PHC was in NYC that the time, it seemed like something to go for. And what better way than to run it through one of their regular bits, Cafe Bouef, the snooty French restaurant. I think it came out pretty well. It over lapped pretty well with my own penchant for writing restaurant sketches. However, they did not. And it was kind of a typical bit that would not lend itself to re-submission later on to others, so it's just been loitering on my hard drive until now...
CAFE BOUEF: NRA Edition
GK: This portion of our show brought to you by the Cafe Bouef, with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. Bon jour, Maurice.
TK: You what? You want a tour?
GK: No, bon jour.
TK: Bon Jovi is not here. You just missed him. Do you know him? You did not strike me as ze head-banger.
GK: No, no, I don't know Bon Jovi. But I could, you know.
TK: How you say, "whatever."
GK: I noticed you've made some changes here, Maurice. What is that all about?
TK: I have heard on the news that the NRA is opening up a theme restaurant in New York City. So I say, "sacre bleu!" We should do as they.
GK: You are following the lead of the NRA?
TK: Yes, the National Restaurant Association has been very good for us.
GK: Maurice, that's the National Rifle Association which is opening a restaurant.
TK: The National Rifle Association? What do they know about food?
GK: Fair question. I suppose they'll hire someone.
TK: You do? Where would one send a resume?
GK: I'm sure I wouldn't know. But you would consider leaving Cafe Bouef after you put in all this work?
TK: True. They are the competition now. I have developed my own theme restaurant here that will put them to shame.
GK: The NRA has no shame, Maurice.
TK: Welcome to Cafe Bouef & Sports Lodge. I shall bury this heavily armed upstart.
GK: The Cafe Bouef & Sports Lodge?
TK: Yes, a restaurant dedicated to the joys of well-regulated militia-style dining.
GK: I see. Sets my mouth to watering just thinking about it. So, what kind of food are you offering?
TK: We have this sizzling game meat.
(SIZZLING)
GK: That smells pretty good. What is that?
TK: Bambi's mother.
GK: Oh. And that?
TK: A side order of "Old Yeller."
GK: Yum-yum.
TK: We thought we had fresh rabbit, but that wascally wabbit got away again.
GK: Id-jit rabbit.
TK: Oui! And do not get me started on that daffy duck!
GK: I had no intention of going there.
TK: You'll notice the busboy's all wear side arms.
GK: I did, in fact, notice that.
TK: No more cleaning the dishes. See that plate in front of you?
GK: This one here? Yes.
TK: Throw it into the air.
GK: Like this?
TK: Pull!
(GUN SHOT,PLATE SMASH)
GK: Good shot.
TK: He's one of our best.
GK: And what's the reaction been?
TK: The customers are not too happy about it.
GK: No?
TK: No. But the waiters love it.
GK: Do they now?
TK: Can you imagine how much their tips have increased since we've armed them?
GK: There's a silver lining. What's that meal?
TK: Chicken. I shot him myself.
GK: Chicken isn't a game bird.
TK: I had to shoot him, he pulled a knife on me. Excuse me, a moment, I have to speak to one of my busboys. Claude! How many times do I have to tell you, the handgun goes on the right! The right!
GK: So each table has it's on weaponry?
TK: It allows our patrons to shoot at targets while they await their food. Makes the time pass faster.
GK: Well, actually I'm in the mood for fish. A nice fillet, perhaps.
TK: Very good. Here is your shotgun.
GK: Shotgun? What do I need a shotgun for?
TK: We take you right over here to our Fish Barrel and allow you to shoot your own trout.
GK: Seems easy enough. Maybe I'll just have a cheese sandwich---
TK: Henri! Release the cheese wheel! Lock and load, monsieur!
GK: Thank you, Maurice the Maitre'd, and thank you Cafe Bouef. Food of a higher caliber.
end
TK: You what? You want a tour?
GK: No, bon jour.
TK: Bon Jovi is not here. You just missed him. Do you know him? You did not strike me as ze head-banger.
GK: No, no, I don't know Bon Jovi. But I could, you know.
TK: How you say, "whatever."
GK: I noticed you've made some changes here, Maurice. What is that all about?
TK: I have heard on the news that the NRA is opening up a theme restaurant in New York City. So I say, "sacre bleu!" We should do as they.
GK: You are following the lead of the NRA?
TK: Yes, the National Restaurant Association has been very good for us.
GK: Maurice, that's the National Rifle Association which is opening a restaurant.
TK: The National Rifle Association? What do they know about food?
GK: Fair question. I suppose they'll hire someone.
TK: You do? Where would one send a resume?
GK: I'm sure I wouldn't know. But you would consider leaving Cafe Bouef after you put in all this work?
TK: True. They are the competition now. I have developed my own theme restaurant here that will put them to shame.
GK: The NRA has no shame, Maurice.
TK: Welcome to Cafe Bouef & Sports Lodge. I shall bury this heavily armed upstart.
GK: The Cafe Bouef & Sports Lodge?
TK: Yes, a restaurant dedicated to the joys of well-regulated militia-style dining.
GK: I see. Sets my mouth to watering just thinking about it. So, what kind of food are you offering?
TK: We have this sizzling game meat.
(SIZZLING)
GK: That smells pretty good. What is that?
TK: Bambi's mother.
GK: Oh. And that?
TK: A side order of "Old Yeller."
GK: Yum-yum.
TK: We thought we had fresh rabbit, but that wascally wabbit got away again.
GK: Id-jit rabbit.
TK: Oui! And do not get me started on that daffy duck!
GK: I had no intention of going there.
TK: You'll notice the busboy's all wear side arms.
GK: I did, in fact, notice that.
TK: No more cleaning the dishes. See that plate in front of you?
GK: This one here? Yes.
TK: Throw it into the air.
GK: Like this?
TK: Pull!
(GUN SHOT,PLATE SMASH)
GK: Good shot.
TK: He's one of our best.
GK: And what's the reaction been?
TK: The customers are not too happy about it.
GK: No?
TK: No. But the waiters love it.
GK: Do they now?
TK: Can you imagine how much their tips have increased since we've armed them?
GK: There's a silver lining. What's that meal?
TK: Chicken. I shot him myself.
GK: Chicken isn't a game bird.
TK: I had to shoot him, he pulled a knife on me. Excuse me, a moment, I have to speak to one of my busboys. Claude! How many times do I have to tell you, the handgun goes on the right! The right!
GK: So each table has it's on weaponry?
TK: It allows our patrons to shoot at targets while they await their food. Makes the time pass faster.
GK: Well, actually I'm in the mood for fish. A nice fillet, perhaps.
TK: Very good. Here is your shotgun.
GK: Shotgun? What do I need a shotgun for?
TK: We take you right over here to our Fish Barrel and allow you to shoot your own trout.
GK: Seems easy enough. Maybe I'll just have a cheese sandwich---
TK: Henri! Release the cheese wheel! Lock and load, monsieur!
GK: Thank you, Maurice the Maitre'd, and thank you Cafe Bouef. Food of a higher caliber.
end
