From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
I had some succession with a SOTU address back in 2004, so I figured I'd attack it again, with a preview in 2005. Didn't get picked. It's an okay bit. The negative campaign ad? I'd actually turn that into a running bit over at ACN radio for elections involving the Pope, the American Idol, and a Iraqi president, so something came of it. Anyway, here's W's speech preview:
BUSH SPEECH
GK: Joining us now with a preview of his inauguration speech is President Bush.
GB: Thank you once again, Keillor-nator.
GK: So what topics are you going to address in your speech?
GB: A lot of topics. FIrst and foremost I want to address all Americans and ask to unite and work together to keep this nation great, I want to reach out, especially, to all those losers who voted for that other guy.
GK: I see.
GW: On the international front, we're discussing Iran.
GK: You mean Iraq?
GW: That's right. Gee, you'd think I'd get that right after all this time. Anyway, we have a big announcement. We've discovered Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.
GK: You have?
BUSH: They are called "automobiles." The terrorists are raising havoc with these things. I'm calling the leaders of Ford, Chrysler, GM and Saturn together to discuss ways of neutralizing these weapons. But already we are seeing a turn in the fighting. The suicide bombers don't have enough vehicles. They are being forced to form suicide car bomb pools.
GK: Anything else?
GW: We are going forward with elections in Iraq. I've sent over Karl Rove to run the campaigns over there.
GK: Has he had any success?
GW: Oh, yes, in fact, I have a commercial he produced for one of the candidates...
AN: (Iraqi announcer) Ali al-Sistanit says he wants to lead Iraq into a glorious celebration of Allah. Ali al-Sistanit says he is a man of God. Then why was Ali al-Sistanit seen eating bacon with infidels? A man of Allah? Not likely. Vote for a real son of Allah, vote for Abdel-Aziz al-Hakim.
AB: I'm Abdel-Aziz al-Hakim and I approved this message.
GW: Pretty slick, eh?
GK: Slick is good a word as any.
GW: And then I want to talk about that terrible Te-sunami.
GK: Te-sunami? It's Tsunami. The "t" is silent.
GW: Really? Wow, you think someone would have mentioned that to me. Here I am asking for help with the Te-sunami. No wonder I couldn't get them to cough up more.
GK: A lot of people were surprise that instead of pledging money, you organized a fund raiser.
GW: Well, I wanted to give more. But, we're all out of money.
GK: We are?
GW: Yup. I gave it all away, remember?
GK: Oh, yes, that's right.
GW: So, we're asking all the caring, helpful middle class people who got some money back on those tax cuts, to send it off to Tsunami-land, where it can do some good.
GK: Fortunately, the American people are rising to the occasion.
GW: Yes, we have seen the people give charity a mandate.
GK: Can we expect a big push to get corporate donations and donations from the higher income levels?
GW: Well, frankly, they're busy using their money to create jobs so that working people have the money to donate. Well, let me get going. I still have to finish up this speech. It's hard work inspiring people.
GK: Indeed. Well, thanks for stopping by.
end
GB: Thank you once again, Keillor-nator.
GK: So what topics are you going to address in your speech?
GB: A lot of topics. FIrst and foremost I want to address all Americans and ask to unite and work together to keep this nation great, I want to reach out, especially, to all those losers who voted for that other guy.
GK: I see.
GW: On the international front, we're discussing Iran.
GK: You mean Iraq?
GW: That's right. Gee, you'd think I'd get that right after all this time. Anyway, we have a big announcement. We've discovered Iraq's weapons of mass destruction.
GK: You have?
BUSH: They are called "automobiles." The terrorists are raising havoc with these things. I'm calling the leaders of Ford, Chrysler, GM and Saturn together to discuss ways of neutralizing these weapons. But already we are seeing a turn in the fighting. The suicide bombers don't have enough vehicles. They are being forced to form suicide car bomb pools.
GK: Anything else?
GW: We are going forward with elections in Iraq. I've sent over Karl Rove to run the campaigns over there.
GK: Has he had any success?
GW: Oh, yes, in fact, I have a commercial he produced for one of the candidates...
AN: (Iraqi announcer) Ali al-Sistanit says he wants to lead Iraq into a glorious celebration of Allah. Ali al-Sistanit says he is a man of God. Then why was Ali al-Sistanit seen eating bacon with infidels? A man of Allah? Not likely. Vote for a real son of Allah, vote for Abdel-Aziz al-Hakim.
AB: I'm Abdel-Aziz al-Hakim and I approved this message.
GW: Pretty slick, eh?
GK: Slick is good a word as any.
GW: And then I want to talk about that terrible Te-sunami.
GK: Te-sunami? It's Tsunami. The "t" is silent.
GW: Really? Wow, you think someone would have mentioned that to me. Here I am asking for help with the Te-sunami. No wonder I couldn't get them to cough up more.
GK: A lot of people were surprise that instead of pledging money, you organized a fund raiser.
GW: Well, I wanted to give more. But, we're all out of money.
GK: We are?
GW: Yup. I gave it all away, remember?
GK: Oh, yes, that's right.
GW: So, we're asking all the caring, helpful middle class people who got some money back on those tax cuts, to send it off to Tsunami-land, where it can do some good.
GK: Fortunately, the American people are rising to the occasion.
GW: Yes, we have seen the people give charity a mandate.
GK: Can we expect a big push to get corporate donations and donations from the higher income levels?
GW: Well, frankly, they're busy using their money to create jobs so that working people have the money to donate. Well, let me get going. I still have to finish up this speech. It's hard work inspiring people.
GK: Indeed. Well, thanks for stopping by.
end
