From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Well, here's another sketch I had long forgotten about. PHC went to broadcast the show from Germany. I knew they often liked to gear their material toward their hosts, so I came up with this bit. I bet you didn't think I could squeeze this many wall jokes into one sketch but I did! Again, the material is so specific, when they rejected it, I was walled in (I did it again!) and couldn't conceive of any secondary markets to submit it to. After that, they went on hiatus for a couple of weeks.
Berlin Wall-Nuts
(GK, HW: Herr Werner)
GK: Of course, being an American radio show, we are obliged to present varied and opposing viewpoints. So, we have with us Hans Werner, who has a very unusual position. Welcome, Herr Werner.
HW: Gutten nacht, Herr Keillor.
GK: Now, please, correct me if I'm wrong but you have presented a petition to the German government. A highly unorthodox petition.
HW: Ja, ja. We would like to restore the Berlin Wall.
GK: That's an amazing proposal. And I'm told you've gotten many supporters.
HW: Ja.
GK: Are you a communist leader of some sort?
HW: Nein, I am the president of the Berlin Handball Association.
GK: Handball Association?
HW: Ja. And captain of the Berlin handball team, the Berlin Wallnuts. Berlin had one of the best handball teams in the world. We would practice all day against the Berlin Wall. We won more than many world championships right here on our home court. Then one day, when the team and I went down for spring training, the wall was gone.
GK: I heard about that.
HW: Needless to say, our game suffered greatly. We went from the number one team in the German Handball league to a distant seventh.
GK: That's a heart breaker. So you play against other German cities?
HW: Oh, ja. then there's the World Cup of Handball. We were always the world champions. We were handball wizards.
GK; And then they tore down the wall.
HW: Such a wall.
GK: I didn't realize handball was so popular.
HW: It is. After playing futball for years, people wanted to do something with their hands, also.
GK: What countries do you play against?
HW: Well, the Chinese, their team is very good. They have a great wall to play against.
GK: Really.
HW: The Israeli team is pretty good, but the Wailing Wall causes a lot of bad bounces. The Dutch are sehr gut. Many of their dikes make excellent handball courts. In our prime, we beat every one of them. We miss our wall. The German handball league is a mere shadow of itself. Last week we lost to Great Britain. Hadrian's Wall-crawlers beat us 21-5. And their wall is decrepit!
GK: You hate to hear things like that. And I understand you're not alone on your petition.
HW: This is true. The German paddle ball league has joined us as well as the poster-hangers union and a radical group of graffiti artists. All clamoring for a return of the wall. We have a big event to raise awareness of our plight. Wall-aid. It is being sponsored by Walmart and Pink Floyd will be playing songs from their album, The Wall. We just don't want the Berlin Wall-nuts to go the way of the Jericho Wall-walkers. Nobody hears about them anymore.
GK; And you're not concerned about the socio-political ramifications of a restored Berlin Wall. Of what the wall represents?
HW: What do you mean?
GK: The wall dividing the city, a symbol of the Cold War, the Iron Curtain dividing Europe.
HW: Oh, that. Maybe if they would put up a really good handball court, we would drop this.
GK: We can only hope, sir. Thank you for joining us.
end
GK: Of course, being an American radio show, we are obliged to present varied and opposing viewpoints. So, we have with us Hans Werner, who has a very unusual position. Welcome, Herr Werner.
HW: Gutten nacht, Herr Keillor.
GK: Now, please, correct me if I'm wrong but you have presented a petition to the German government. A highly unorthodox petition.
HW: Ja, ja. We would like to restore the Berlin Wall.
GK: That's an amazing proposal. And I'm told you've gotten many supporters.
HW: Ja.
GK: Are you a communist leader of some sort?
HW: Nein, I am the president of the Berlin Handball Association.
GK: Handball Association?
HW: Ja. And captain of the Berlin handball team, the Berlin Wallnuts. Berlin had one of the best handball teams in the world. We would practice all day against the Berlin Wall. We won more than many world championships right here on our home court. Then one day, when the team and I went down for spring training, the wall was gone.
GK: I heard about that.
HW: Needless to say, our game suffered greatly. We went from the number one team in the German Handball league to a distant seventh.
GK: That's a heart breaker. So you play against other German cities?
HW: Oh, ja. then there's the World Cup of Handball. We were always the world champions. We were handball wizards.
GK; And then they tore down the wall.
HW: Such a wall.
GK: I didn't realize handball was so popular.
HW: It is. After playing futball for years, people wanted to do something with their hands, also.
GK: What countries do you play against?
HW: Well, the Chinese, their team is very good. They have a great wall to play against.
GK: Really.
HW: The Israeli team is pretty good, but the Wailing Wall causes a lot of bad bounces. The Dutch are sehr gut. Many of their dikes make excellent handball courts. In our prime, we beat every one of them. We miss our wall. The German handball league is a mere shadow of itself. Last week we lost to Great Britain. Hadrian's Wall-crawlers beat us 21-5. And their wall is decrepit!
GK: You hate to hear things like that. And I understand you're not alone on your petition.
HW: This is true. The German paddle ball league has joined us as well as the poster-hangers union and a radical group of graffiti artists. All clamoring for a return of the wall. We have a big event to raise awareness of our plight. Wall-aid. It is being sponsored by Walmart and Pink Floyd will be playing songs from their album, The Wall. We just don't want the Berlin Wall-nuts to go the way of the Jericho Wall-walkers. Nobody hears about them anymore.
GK; And you're not concerned about the socio-political ramifications of a restored Berlin Wall. Of what the wall represents?
HW: What do you mean?
GK: The wall dividing the city, a symbol of the Cold War, the Iron Curtain dividing Europe.
HW: Oh, that. Maybe if they would put up a really good handball court, we would drop this.
GK: We can only hope, sir. Thank you for joining us.
end
