From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is one of those bits I knew wouldn't get far. It was way too pop-culture for Keillor's tastes. But I thought it was a funny bit. The reality shows were taking over so, why not combine Survivor and American Idol, right? I'm sure all the mis-spellings in the draft I sent them didn't help either.
Audition Island
GK: Last week on "Audition Island," Sara began practicing her big number.
SR: "Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow!--"
GK: When suddenly she was attacked by a lion.
(lion, scream)
GK: Now, Dave tells us in the confessional booth:
DA: Well, if I sang as badly as Sara, I would expect to be attacked. Doesn't she hear herself? It's like she's suffering from tone-deaf poisoning. She's lucky, this time it was a lion. Out in the real world, a music critic would attack her.
GK: The next day, Brad and Denise began working on their duet, but they ran into trouble...
(monkey chatter)
BR: Hey, you come back here! Bring that back!
DN: This stinks. The monkey took our sheet music. And we really don't have anything else to trade to get another copy. Except maybe our food and water. I have been looking to drop a few pounds.
BR: I was really hoping to use the next contest to win us the baby spotlight. It would be dazzling. But we're going to have to get sheet music now.
GK: After the instrument trials, everyone assumed Lex was going to be voted off the island, until he surprised the tribe with his acapella version of "Disco Inferno."
RX: Actually, that was my plan all along, once I saw the only instruments left were the accordion and the triangle.
DN: I mean, yes, I beat him out to get the instrument, but what the hell am I supposed to do with a triangle? I feel like I was set up.
GK: That's when Denise joined forces with Sara and Vanessa to form a girl's group. And the men are powerless to stop them.
BR: I mean, what were we supposed to do to counter that? Form a boy band? Nobody wants that.
GK: So the men decided to dig a deep pit, cover it with palm fronds and lure the girls into it.
BR: I'm guessing if we put this Chapstick on it, the girls won't be able to resist moisturizing their lips and "bam" they're trapped, and we can win the audition.
GK: Audition Island, where you have to out wit, out play and out perform to make it to the top. Tune in next time when we hear Vanessa say:
VN: I said I wanted strained coconut milk in my hut! What is this mango sludge doing here??
GK: Next time on Audition Island, heard on most Public Radio stations.
end
SR: "Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow!--"
GK: When suddenly she was attacked by a lion.
(lion, scream)
GK: Now, Dave tells us in the confessional booth:
DA: Well, if I sang as badly as Sara, I would expect to be attacked. Doesn't she hear herself? It's like she's suffering from tone-deaf poisoning. She's lucky, this time it was a lion. Out in the real world, a music critic would attack her.
GK: The next day, Brad and Denise began working on their duet, but they ran into trouble...
(monkey chatter)
BR: Hey, you come back here! Bring that back!
DN: This stinks. The monkey took our sheet music. And we really don't have anything else to trade to get another copy. Except maybe our food and water. I have been looking to drop a few pounds.
BR: I was really hoping to use the next contest to win us the baby spotlight. It would be dazzling. But we're going to have to get sheet music now.
GK: After the instrument trials, everyone assumed Lex was going to be voted off the island, until he surprised the tribe with his acapella version of "Disco Inferno."
RX: Actually, that was my plan all along, once I saw the only instruments left were the accordion and the triangle.
DN: I mean, yes, I beat him out to get the instrument, but what the hell am I supposed to do with a triangle? I feel like I was set up.
GK: That's when Denise joined forces with Sara and Vanessa to form a girl's group. And the men are powerless to stop them.
BR: I mean, what were we supposed to do to counter that? Form a boy band? Nobody wants that.
GK: So the men decided to dig a deep pit, cover it with palm fronds and lure the girls into it.
BR: I'm guessing if we put this Chapstick on it, the girls won't be able to resist moisturizing their lips and "bam" they're trapped, and we can win the audition.
GK: Audition Island, where you have to out wit, out play and out perform to make it to the top. Tune in next time when we hear Vanessa say:
VN: I said I wanted strained coconut milk in my hut! What is this mango sludge doing here??
GK: Next time on Audition Island, heard on most Public Radio stations.
end
There was a semi-happy ending. I submitted to a show being set up in NYC two years later and they did it. I wasn't thrilled with the production...it kind of underplays, but it exists.
