From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
AL: Yes, thank you.
GK: Now, you bill yourself as a mentalist.
AL: Yes. I don't claim to have any mystical powers or supernatural abilities, I am merely an entertainer.
GK: I've seen you perform and it truly is like you can read minds.
AL: Exactly what I need you to believe. Now, to begin, I'll need someone from the audience...if you could stand, please, sir. We've never met, correct?
M1: You do look kind of familiar--
AL: Are you thinking of a number between one and ten?
AL: Are you thinking of a number between one and ten now?
M1: Well, yeah, now.
AL: Thank you.
AL: Now, looking at you, I'm getting the distinct impression of the letter M...M...you know someone with the letter M?
AL: Your mom.
M1: Well, duh.
AL: Your mom, Mary.
M1: Oh, right, her name's Mary.
AL: You and your Mom just had a fight...about your dad's care.
AL: You want to put him in a home but she's reluctant. I would point out, sir, that this senior home is about to be investigated by the federal government for Medicare fraud.
M1: What? Oh, no!
AL: Yes, but I remind our listeners that I claim no psychic ability or the power of ESP. I am merely an entertainer. You, ma'am.
WO: What? Who? Me?
AL: I see green looking at you. A fond feeling for this color.
WO: My aunt, Wilma Green, is my favorite aunt.
AL: A wonderful lady. Too bad.
WO: Too bad what?
AL: She's going to be hit by a bus in about 15, no, no 20 minutes.
AL: Yes, definitely a bus. Crosstown. The number 7.
WO: Oh, my god, I have to save her!
GK: That is amazing. But you're not psychic?
AL: No, I'm not. I am merely here to use my abilities to entertain!
GK: No wonder they call you amazing. Are you sure?
AL: Yes, I am not a telepath or a mind reader, I am a mentalist. You sir, there.
M2: Do I have to?
AL: You're flying on a plane soon, yes?
M2: Yes. A business trip. Why?
AL: No reason. Have you considered taking the train or walking?
M2: Can't I drive?
AL: I wouldn't. You, madam.
(shriek, followed by running steps)
AL: Okay, how about you, sir? I'd like to use my abilities to entertain you.
M3: No, no, make him stop!! Somebody!
GK: Amazing Lars, maybe we should wrap it up.
AL: So, Mr. Keillor, how have you been feeling?
GK: The amazing Lars, everyone.