From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
I have no idea where this bit came from. Obviously it was inspired by The Amazing Kreskin, but why here, why now? Was the Amazing Randy in the news uncovering psychic scams? I don't recall. I do remember that Kreskin made a point of announcing he was neither clarvoyent or psychic; that he was a mentalist! He was a magician with a schtick. Anyway, it seemed like a decent premise. And it kinda fit into the whole Halloween season. I wrote it up and sent it in. It didn't get picked, so now we are delighted to present:
AMAZING LARS
GK: Joining us now is an extraordinary guest who does the most amazing things. Welcome please the Amazing Lars.
AL: Yes, thank you.
GK: Now, you bill yourself as a mentalist.
AL: Yes. I don't claim to have any mystical powers or supernatural abilities, I am merely an entertainer.
GK: I've seen you perform and it truly is like you can read minds.
AL: Exactly what I need you to believe. Now, to begin, I'll need someone from the audience...if you could stand, please, sir. We've never met, correct?
M1: You do look kind of familiar--
AL: Are you thinking of a number between one and ten?
M1: No.
AL: Are you thinking of a number between one and ten now?
M1: Well, yeah, now.
AL: Thank you.
GK: Amazing.
AL: Now, looking at you, I'm getting the distinct impression of the letter M...M...you know someone with the letter M?
M1: Yeah.
AL: Your mom.
M1: Well, duh.
AL: Your mom, Mary.
M1: Oh, right, her name's Mary.
AL: You and your Mom just had a fight...about your dad's care.
M1: Yes.
GK: Amazing.
AL: You want to put him in a home but she's reluctant. I would point out, sir, that this senior home is about to be investigated by the federal government for Medicare fraud.
M1: What? Oh, no!
GK: Wow.
AL: Yes, but I remind our listeners that I claim no psychic ability or the power of ESP. I am merely an entertainer. You, ma'am.
WO: What? Who? Me?
AL: I see green looking at you. A fond feeling for this color.
WO: My aunt, Wilma Green, is my favorite aunt.
GK: Amazing.
AL: A wonderful lady. Too bad.
WO: Too bad what?
AL: She's going to be hit by a bus in about 15, no, no 20 minutes.
WO: what??
AL: Yes, definitely a bus. Crosstown. The number 7.
WO: Oh, my god, I have to save her!
(runs out)
GK: That is amazing. But you're not psychic?
AL: No, I'm not. I am merely here to use my abilities to entertain!
GK: No wonder they call you amazing. Are you sure?
AL: Yes, I am not a telepath or a mind reader, I am a mentalist. You sir, there.
M2: Do I have to?
AL: You're flying on a plane soon, yes?
M2: Yes. A business trip. Why?
AL: No reason. Have you considered taking the train or walking?
M2: Can't I drive?
AL: I wouldn't. You, madam.
(shriek, followed by running steps)
AL: Okay, how about you, sir? I'd like to use my abilities to entertain you.
M3: No, no, make him stop!! Somebody!
GK: Amazing Lars, maybe we should wrap it up.
AL: So, Mr. Keillor, how have you been feeling?
GK: The amazing Lars, everyone.
end
AL: Yes, thank you.
GK: Now, you bill yourself as a mentalist.
AL: Yes. I don't claim to have any mystical powers or supernatural abilities, I am merely an entertainer.
GK: I've seen you perform and it truly is like you can read minds.
AL: Exactly what I need you to believe. Now, to begin, I'll need someone from the audience...if you could stand, please, sir. We've never met, correct?
M1: You do look kind of familiar--
AL: Are you thinking of a number between one and ten?
M1: No.
AL: Are you thinking of a number between one and ten now?
M1: Well, yeah, now.
AL: Thank you.
GK: Amazing.
AL: Now, looking at you, I'm getting the distinct impression of the letter M...M...you know someone with the letter M?
M1: Yeah.
AL: Your mom.
M1: Well, duh.
AL: Your mom, Mary.
M1: Oh, right, her name's Mary.
AL: You and your Mom just had a fight...about your dad's care.
M1: Yes.
GK: Amazing.
AL: You want to put him in a home but she's reluctant. I would point out, sir, that this senior home is about to be investigated by the federal government for Medicare fraud.
M1: What? Oh, no!
GK: Wow.
AL: Yes, but I remind our listeners that I claim no psychic ability or the power of ESP. I am merely an entertainer. You, ma'am.
WO: What? Who? Me?
AL: I see green looking at you. A fond feeling for this color.
WO: My aunt, Wilma Green, is my favorite aunt.
GK: Amazing.
AL: A wonderful lady. Too bad.
WO: Too bad what?
AL: She's going to be hit by a bus in about 15, no, no 20 minutes.
WO: what??
AL: Yes, definitely a bus. Crosstown. The number 7.
WO: Oh, my god, I have to save her!
(runs out)
GK: That is amazing. But you're not psychic?
AL: No, I'm not. I am merely here to use my abilities to entertain!
GK: No wonder they call you amazing. Are you sure?
AL: Yes, I am not a telepath or a mind reader, I am a mentalist. You sir, there.
M2: Do I have to?
AL: You're flying on a plane soon, yes?
M2: Yes. A business trip. Why?
AL: No reason. Have you considered taking the train or walking?
M2: Can't I drive?
AL: I wouldn't. You, madam.
(shriek, followed by running steps)
AL: Okay, how about you, sir? I'd like to use my abilities to entertain you.
M3: No, no, make him stop!! Somebody!
GK: Amazing Lars, maybe we should wrap it up.
AL: So, Mr. Keillor, how have you been feeling?
GK: The amazing Lars, everyone.
end
