From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell "prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This title had been kicking around my brain forEVER. I mean it's the perfect Abbott & Costello parody title. But I could never come up with a premise for the bit. Finally, when the government started to put together a commission to investigate the 9/11 terrorist attacks, the press started reporting on all these ridiculous restrictions President W. Bush was demanding before he'd consider speaking to the commission. It was all very shady, but when the president's people went on the Sunday morning news shows, they engaged in the usual non-answer answers and weird deflections. Now it was starting to feel like an A&C double-talk bit; think The Mustard Routine where Bud tells Lou he's going to collapse the economy because he doesn't like mustard. I knew this bit was a Hail Mary pass, but I thought I sucked him in with one A&C bit, maybe I could rope PHC in with another. It didn't get selected for broadcast.
Abbott & Costello Meet the Press
(GK, LC: Lou Costello, BA:Bud Abbott)
GK: Tomorrow morning, public radio presents their Sunday morning public service news show, "Abbott & Costello Meet the Press," with moderator, Lou Costello.
LC: Good morning, everyone. Joining us today is the Asst. Press Director for the White House, Mr. Bud Abbott. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Abbott.
BA: Good to be here, Lou.
LC: First topic has to be concerning the president's upcoming meeting with the 9/11 commission. Does the President want to really get to the bottom of the cause of 9/11? If he does, why would he limit his interview with the commission to one hour?
BA: I'm glad you brought this up, Lou. This administration has provided unprecedented cooperation to a legislative body in the 9/11 Commission. We have worked closely with the commission in a spirit of cooperation. We have provided the commission access to every bit of information that they have requested, including our most sensitive national security documents. And the commission chairman has stated such.
LC: But is he going to speak to the committee for more than an hour?
BA: The President looks forward to meeting with the chairman and vice chairman and answering all the questions that they want to raise.
LC: That means he's no longer going to limit it to an hour?
BA: Well, that's what it's scheduled for now. But, look, he's going to answer all the questions they want to raise.
LC: If they're still asking at one hour, he'll still answer them?
BA: If they just ask yes-or-no questions, they might finish up in less than an hour. Maybe the committee will ask the questions very quickly. They know the president is a very busy man.
LC: You expect the committee to take less than an hour?
BA: Hey, I'm not on the committee. I don't know what they're planning. Are you on the committee?
LC: I'm not on the committe.
BA: Then how do you know what the committee's up to?
LC: I don't.
BA: And neither does the President.
LC: So the President will respond to all of the questions the panel wants to raise.
BA: Absolutely, of course. Of course. Unless it doesn't.
LC: Doesn't what?
BA: Keep him.
LC: Keep who?
BA: The President. The President is glad to answer their questions. But, frankly, it's overkill.
LC: The issue is whether he's limiting it to an hour --
BA: Who's limiting it?
LC: The President.
BA: The President's a very busy man.
LC: He went to a rodeo. He's been to fund raisers all over the country. He went on vacation for six weeks.
BA: Of course. That's because he's the President. Do you think he'd get to do all that stuff if he wasn't the President?
LC: Well, no.
BA: Of course not. Are you the President?
LC: No.
BA: And how much vacation do you get?
LC: I get two weeks.
BA: Exactly. You know that if the President doesn't use all his vacation days, he forfeits them? Did you know that?
LC: No, I didn't.
BA: And here you are expecting the most powerful man on the planet to forfeit his vacation days. Would you want to forfeit your days?
LC: No.
BA: But you expect the President just to give his vacation days up? Just tell the wife and children that they can't go on vacation because you made him lose his vacation days. Have you no shame, man?
LC: I didn't mean that---
BA: You know, he has a time share. Do you know how hard it is to re-schedule one of those?
LC: Sure, it's pretty hard.
BA: And then you have all all those black out dates on his frequent flyer miles. Those are impossible to adjust.
LC: You mean the President of the United States can't get past black out dates?
BA: Are you suggesting the President is above the rules?
LC: No!
BA: If you were the guy in line behind the President and he just took your seat, you wouldn't be happy about that, now, would you?
LC: No, I'd be mad.
BA: Of course you'd be mad. Any sensible person would.
LC: I don't like getting bumped.
BA: Of course not.
LC: Not even by the president. That would really irk me.
BA: Certainly.
LC: I don't want to be cut in line by a seat taker.
BA: Now, now, calm down, Lou.
LC: I would put a fuss. I would make some demands. How dare he take my seat! Don't you bump me, Mr. President!
BA: Calm down, Lou, calm down.
LC: I don't want to be bumped.
BA: No. It's only natural. Settle down, settle down.
LC: Look, Abbott, all I want to know is why the president won't testify for more than one hour!
BA: Just think of this: Here's a man who's all set to appear before the committee right after the President. And he's got dinner reservations for a really nice restaurant. But now he has to wait. Why? Because the President decided to take more than an hour to testify. He's in there for hours. And this poor guy has to wait. So now he misses his dinner reservation. And you know why he was going out to dinner? For his anniversary. So now his wife is mad at him because she thinks he forgot their anniversary. Next thing you know, she's hiring a divorce lawyer and suing him for everything he's got. He's living in a cold water flat over a deli in the bad section of town eating warmed over microwave dinners. And all because you wanted the President to talk for more than an hour. You've ruined this man's life. You've destroyed his family. Why? Why did you do that?
LC: I'm a bad boy.
BA: So just remember that and don't let it happen again.
GK: That's Sunday morning on "Abbott & Costello Meet the Press" on most of these public radio stations. If it's Sunday, it must be "Abbott & Costello Meet the Press."
end
GK: Tomorrow morning, public radio presents their Sunday morning public service news show, "Abbott & Costello Meet the Press," with moderator, Lou Costello.
LC: Good morning, everyone. Joining us today is the Asst. Press Director for the White House, Mr. Bud Abbott. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Abbott.
BA: Good to be here, Lou.
LC: First topic has to be concerning the president's upcoming meeting with the 9/11 commission. Does the President want to really get to the bottom of the cause of 9/11? If he does, why would he limit his interview with the commission to one hour?
BA: I'm glad you brought this up, Lou. This administration has provided unprecedented cooperation to a legislative body in the 9/11 Commission. We have worked closely with the commission in a spirit of cooperation. We have provided the commission access to every bit of information that they have requested, including our most sensitive national security documents. And the commission chairman has stated such.
LC: But is he going to speak to the committee for more than an hour?
BA: The President looks forward to meeting with the chairman and vice chairman and answering all the questions that they want to raise.
LC: That means he's no longer going to limit it to an hour?
BA: Well, that's what it's scheduled for now. But, look, he's going to answer all the questions they want to raise.
LC: If they're still asking at one hour, he'll still answer them?
BA: If they just ask yes-or-no questions, they might finish up in less than an hour. Maybe the committee will ask the questions very quickly. They know the president is a very busy man.
LC: You expect the committee to take less than an hour?
BA: Hey, I'm not on the committee. I don't know what they're planning. Are you on the committee?
LC: I'm not on the committe.
BA: Then how do you know what the committee's up to?
LC: I don't.
BA: And neither does the President.
LC: So the President will respond to all of the questions the panel wants to raise.
BA: Absolutely, of course. Of course. Unless it doesn't.
LC: Doesn't what?
BA: Keep him.
LC: Keep who?
BA: The President. The President is glad to answer their questions. But, frankly, it's overkill.
LC: The issue is whether he's limiting it to an hour --
BA: Who's limiting it?
LC: The President.
BA: The President's a very busy man.
LC: He went to a rodeo. He's been to fund raisers all over the country. He went on vacation for six weeks.
BA: Of course. That's because he's the President. Do you think he'd get to do all that stuff if he wasn't the President?
LC: Well, no.
BA: Of course not. Are you the President?
LC: No.
BA: And how much vacation do you get?
LC: I get two weeks.
BA: Exactly. You know that if the President doesn't use all his vacation days, he forfeits them? Did you know that?
LC: No, I didn't.
BA: And here you are expecting the most powerful man on the planet to forfeit his vacation days. Would you want to forfeit your days?
LC: No.
BA: But you expect the President just to give his vacation days up? Just tell the wife and children that they can't go on vacation because you made him lose his vacation days. Have you no shame, man?
LC: I didn't mean that---
BA: You know, he has a time share. Do you know how hard it is to re-schedule one of those?
LC: Sure, it's pretty hard.
BA: And then you have all all those black out dates on his frequent flyer miles. Those are impossible to adjust.
LC: You mean the President of the United States can't get past black out dates?
BA: Are you suggesting the President is above the rules?
LC: No!
BA: If you were the guy in line behind the President and he just took your seat, you wouldn't be happy about that, now, would you?
LC: No, I'd be mad.
BA: Of course you'd be mad. Any sensible person would.
LC: I don't like getting bumped.
BA: Of course not.
LC: Not even by the president. That would really irk me.
BA: Certainly.
LC: I don't want to be cut in line by a seat taker.
BA: Now, now, calm down, Lou.
LC: I would put a fuss. I would make some demands. How dare he take my seat! Don't you bump me, Mr. President!
BA: Calm down, Lou, calm down.
LC: I don't want to be bumped.
BA: No. It's only natural. Settle down, settle down.
LC: Look, Abbott, all I want to know is why the president won't testify for more than one hour!
BA: Just think of this: Here's a man who's all set to appear before the committee right after the President. And he's got dinner reservations for a really nice restaurant. But now he has to wait. Why? Because the President decided to take more than an hour to testify. He's in there for hours. And this poor guy has to wait. So now he misses his dinner reservation. And you know why he was going out to dinner? For his anniversary. So now his wife is mad at him because she thinks he forgot their anniversary. Next thing you know, she's hiring a divorce lawyer and suing him for everything he's got. He's living in a cold water flat over a deli in the bad section of town eating warmed over microwave dinners. And all because you wanted the President to talk for more than an hour. You've ruined this man's life. You've destroyed his family. Why? Why did you do that?
LC: I'm a bad boy.
BA: So just remember that and don't let it happen again.
GK: That's Sunday morning on "Abbott & Costello Meet the Press" on most of these public radio stations. If it's Sunday, it must be "Abbott & Costello Meet the Press."
end
