Now, back to the topic at hand, my days at PHC: As the 2002-2003 season began, it was noted that Keillor had turned 60 that year. It felt like a valid topic to address on the show, so I attempted a song medley. I took all the songs I knew that were about 16-year olds and changed them to 60-year olds, then just adjusted the lyrics to fit all the typical old age jokes I could squeeze in. It wasn't selected, which made it seem like the new season was going to be like the old season.
I always liked it. I always wanted to perform it at friends birthdays but never had the nerve.
60s Medley
Happy birthday, happy birthday baby
What? I'll say it again.
Sixty candles make a lovely light.
Fire hazard burning so, so bright.
Blow out the candles.
You missed one or two.
We'll all be blowing together with you.
You're only sixty but you're one of a kind.
I really must say for someone your age you look fine...
(You are 16 going on 17)
You are sixty going on seventy
Working out all the kinks.
Bitter & wary,
cranky and hair-free
Baby, you kind of stink
You are sixty going on seventy
Discounts have now begun
Early bird meals
and Walmart-y deals
Snapping at those young ones.
Totally unprepared are you, your teeth are in a glass
Incontinent and blocked are you
I think you have some gas.
(Sweet Little 16)
They're really rockin' on porches
'round the condo block.
On the beach of Miami
Living off of their stock
Retirement village
Way down in Sun City
All the goats wanna dance with
Sweet Little sixty
Sweet Little sixty
He's got the grown old blues
Knee socks and sandals
Double A-R-P dues
Oh, but tomorrow morning
The pension check comes in
He'll be sweet sixty
Shuffle board champion!
'Cause they'll be rockin' on porches
Maturing 401(k)s.
Still looking for their glasses
Applying their Ben-Gay
Paying just half price
Getting in the movies
All the goats wanna dance with
Sweet Little sixty
(She was only 16)
She was only sixty, only sixty
I loved her, yup
But she was too old to fall in love
She's fallen and can't get up.
We'd laugh 'til we'd wheeze
She was the bee's knees
On cream corn we'd sup
But she was too old to fall in love
She's fallen and can't get up.
Why did I give my heart so fast
a lady I simply adore
But I'm an old guy of sixty, too.
What am I waiting for?
(You're 16)
You come on like a crank,
noisy and rank
Lips that forever whine
You're sixty, you're a senior
and you're mine
You have hiked up your pants,
ooh, all the rants!
Eyes that squint to define
You're sixty, you're a senior
and you're mine
You're my baby, you're my pet
and something else, but I forget...
You touched my hand, my liver spots
Ooh, when we kissed I could just plotz
You watch what you eat,
drive low in your seat.
You're an official old coot.
You're sixty, you're beautiful,
you old poop.