…Playing his own grandfather.
…leaving people to think that Hef looked like an old coot even back in the 1960s.
The Meredith Whitney Advisory Group is saying that the U.S. economy is sliding ever closer to a double-dip recession…
…which is what happens when you have dips running things.
…and after last week’s 1000 point drop in the stock market, we think it’s more like a cliff than a slide.
A woman was arrested for prostitution while working the night shift at Dunkin Donuts…
…Dunkin Donuts; it’s what gives America the runs.
…after she quit her old job at Krispy Kremer.
…police became suspicious when they noticed those weren’t sprinkles on their donuts.
A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo in New York…
...and authorities issued a statement saying that the peacock poses no danger to anyone, because, you know, it’s a peacock.
…and had a twitter account with more followers than Newt Gingrich.
After signing the bill to increase the debt ceiling while cutting the budget without raising taxes, the President held a speech where he announced his next plan; to raise taxes.
It’s been reported that the 1.3 million people who follow Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign on Twitter is mostly made up of fake accounts that he paid for. That makes sense, fake followers for a fake campaign.
A group of 50 artists and supporters angry with Wall Street staged a naked protest last week. Of course, they all had clothes before Obamaonomics kicked in.
It’s being reported that the TV show “Two and a Half Men” is killing off Charlie Sheen’s character. While Sheen continues to kill off his career.
Hugo Chavez, who is undergoing chemotherapy, appeared on TV with a shaved head saying his hair had disappeared. Much like many of his opponents.
Jonathan May-Bowles, the comedian who hit Rupert Murdoch with a pie plate of foam during a Parliament hearing was sentenced to a 6-week jail sentence…
…according to his voice mail.
…and then given a show on MSNBC.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced that it will present this year’s Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Oprah Winfrey…
…because they hope she’ll give everyone in the audience an Oscar.
…Giving Oprah a movie award? Isn’t that like giving President Obama the Noble Peace Prize?
China’s Dagong Global Credit Rating Company downgraded the US economy from A+ to A following the passage of the debt deal…
…boy, there’s no pleasing some people.
…no word on what Taiwan is going to rate us.
…which means all those Chinese six-year olds now have to update all that paperwork.
…but we’re still A+ in groveling.
Majority Leader Harry Reid complained that the election of tea party members was unfair to the American people…
…except, of course, to the American people who elected them.
…while the Tea Party thinks Harry Reid’s election was unfair to the American people.
It was reported that the White House hired a non-union crew for President Obama’s 50th birthday party fundraiser. Apparently the unions were demanding cake and a half for overtime.
The Obama administration announced a new national plan to fight the threat of al-Qaida and other violent radicals at home. It involves calling the Tea Party terrorists and nobody else.
Saudi Arabia has announced the construction of the Kingdom Tower in Jeddah, which, at 3,280 feet, will be the world's tallest building. Which is surprising: We thought Saudis only knew how to knock down tall buildings, not build them.
A young Australian woman was freed from a bomb collared around her neck which was part of an extortion plot…
…unfortunately, Julia Roberts wasn’t as lucky in getting free of “Larry Crowne.”
Tajikistan has set a law barring minors from going into mosques. However, guns and ammunition are unaffected by the law.
Former Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers is saying there is a one in three chance of a U.S. recession…
…the odds go up if you’re not a former Treasury Secretary.
…while the Obama Administration seems hell-bent on making it a one in one chance.
The Food and Drug Administration has ruled that brownies called "Lazy Cakes,” which contain melatonin and are advertised to relax you, are unsafe. Oh, well, back to my old method of falling asleep; listening to Harry Reid speeches.
And in New Jersey, a Democratic elected official resigned after naked pictures he took of himself with a smart phone and sent to a woman were posted on the web…
…Is it me, or are smart phones smarter than the Democrats using them?
…So the National Democratic Party has ordered all Democrats to go back to using kitchen phones.
…he’s claiming he was tricked into sending the photos to a political rival. Like they say, you can lead a horse to water, but he’s gotta get naked and photograph himself.
The New York Times reports that Cubans will finally be able to own their own houses after legislative changes are made later this year…
…wow, so Cubans get to own their own houses just as Americans are losing theirs.
…or they could just move it Miami.
In a recent interview Al Gore said that there should be an “American spring,” mimicking the “Arab Spring” uprisings…
…man, that Al Gore, always talking about the weather.
…well, that sounds better than his constant harping about American Climate Change.
…saying “who’s for big government and higher taxes! Follow me!”
President Obama is planning a bus tour of the Midwest next week to push his jobs agenda. The first thing they’re doing is hiring people to push the bus.
A new report by The Heritage Foundationrevealed that the annual cost of US regulation, $1.75 trillion, is twice the amount of individual income taxes collected last year…
…so Congress is now working on a new law to regulate The Heritage Foundation.
…and that was just the regulations in volumes A through L.
DNC Chair Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz stated in an interview that President Obama brought us so far and that we’ve really begun to turn the economy around…
…360 degrees, in fact.
…a few more turns and it’s completely screwed.
…much like how you turn around after running straight into a brick wall a couple of times.
Astronomers are now proposing that the Earth once had two moons orbiting it…
…but due to the bad economy, had to let one of them go.
…but smaller one smashed into the other several billion years ago. But John McCain says he didn’t hear a thing.
The Institute for the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence has shut down their Allen Telescope Array, which scan signals from space looking for potential alien civilizations due to Federal and state funding cutbacks…
…so they are now asking aliens to leave a message after the sound of the beep.
…so they’re asking aliens to wait until after the Balanced Budget Amendment before trying to contact us.
…so they’re broadcasting pledge drives into space, hoping the aliens will kick in a few bucks.
The city council of Sao Paulo, Brazil has adopted legislation calling for a Heterosexual Pride Day to be celebrated on the third Sunday of each December. As you may know Brazil’s largest exports include iron ore, coffee and irony.
Many are now criticizing Congress for leaving on their five-week summer break without passing a bill to fund the Federal Aviation Administration, causing the FAA to furlough 4,000 employees and put a halt on hundreds of construction projects across the country. But members of Congress are saying that they need the vacation because it took a lot of hard work to really screw the economy and put Wall St. in the dumpster.
Police are now saying that the man who trashed David Letterman's theater last month had drank $119 of liquor beforehand. Which in Manhattan is what, like 2 apple-tinis?
The Washington Post announced that profits fell 50% in their second quarter. They blamed a struggling economy and the Tea Party.
Roseanne announcing she’s running for president as a member of the "Green Tea Party”…
…That’ll help the Democrats, having her run makes President Obama look pro-Israel by comparison.
…great, not only won’t she stand for the National Anthem, she’ll scratch herself during it.
…she promises getting rid of all taxes and money and switching to a barter system. Well, we’re half-way there, all the money’s gone.
A poll taken by The New York Times found 44 percent of respondents think the cuts in the debt deal didn't go far enough, versus only 15 percent who said "too far." About which the Times declared “Do Over.”
Harry Smith, formerly of CBS, made his first appearance on NBC News with a fawning birthday message to President Obama. Harry Smith, different network, same suck-up.
We at Newsbusted have noticed that Twitter's 'Who to Follow' List overwhelmingly promotes liberal pundits and media outlets. Et tu, Twitter?
On MSNBC, Senator John Kerry called on media to stop giving "equal time or equal balance" to Tea Party ideas if it weren’t for that darn Constitution.
Consumer advocate Ralph Nader told reporters that there is almost a 100% chance that President Obama will face a democratic challenger in 2012, with Nader declaring that the President is unsafe at any speed.
The President celebrated his 50th birthday last week . You just couldn’t hear the noisemakers over the Wall Street crash.
The number of people who use Food Stamps rose to 45.8 million in July…
…one stamp collection we didn’t want to see.
…so the Obama Administration is bragging how many jobs it saved at the Food Stamp Office.
President Barack Obama proposed a new program to help America's 1 million military veterans find work. Right after he figures out away to get all those civilians a job.
South Korean scientists have genetically engineered a beagle that glows…
…because how many times have you complained about losing your dog in the dark?
…so it makes it easier to find the leftovers when the refrigerator light goes out.
A man went into a cardiac arrest on a RyanAir flight from England to Sweden so all the airline staff did was offer him a sandwich and a soda. Then charged him for it…
…Oh, come on, you know an Obamacare joke is coming, right?
…they would have brought out the Defibrillator, but they were using it to grill panettis.
The owner of the small business in Maryland attacked one of the employees with a decorative, medieval-style ax, after accusing the worker of stealing quarters…
…wow, I know businesses are cutting staffs, but this is ridiculous.
…no word on which employee was getting the ax.