Officials are now saying the source of the European E. coli outbreak was organic beans sprouts grown in Germany…
…see, that health food is going to kill you.
…so much for healthy part of health food.
U.S. airlines collected $3.4 billion in bag fees last year, a 24 percent increase from 2009…
…prompting banks to start charging for customers’ bags.
…so if the Obama Administration declares they are now charging baggage fees, you’ll know why.
…but half of that was paid by President Obama and all the baggage he carries.
Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota released a YouTube video announcing her candidacy for president…
…upsetting the “boring white guy” demographic.
…with the mainstream media announcing they will be piling on her immediately.
…causing the mainstream media to drop all their Sarah Palin emails in surprise.
Well, the creepy masked guy on “The Bachelorette” revealed himself and, yup, it was Anthony Wiener.
The media failed to turn up any scandals after sifting through Sarah Palin’s email…
…What were they expecting? Weiner tweaks?
…just proving that some people know how to use electronic communication.
…only that Anthony Weiner was on her “Ignore” List.
Jim Vandehei of Politico said on MSNBC that no single reporter at any media organization thinks Sarah Palin can be or should be president. Well, file this under “worst-kept secrets.”
The wedding between Hugh Hefner, who is 85, and Crystal Harris, who is 25, was called off…
…after Crystal Harris realized that Hugh Hefner is 85 and she is 25.
…what a shame. Hef really wants kids and you know his biological pacemaker is ticking.
…yeah, once she saw those Weiner tweets, there was no going back.
…oh, well, Hef, back to the bunny hutch.
Bill Warren, a deep-sea treasure-hunter, announced he will scour the north Arabian Sea to find Osama Bin Laden’s body and deliver photographic proof that Bin Laden is dead…
…because there’s nothing good on TV during the summer.
…for a new reality show: “Wasting Time, Wasting Money.”
…because somebody beat him to the Titanic.
Alec Baldwin is claiming his new Twitter account was hacked last week. He knew because he suddenly started getting crotch pictures of Anthony Weiner.
The Obama 2012 Reelection Campaign is now expressing the theme that “Hope” And “Change” aren't enough to inspire voters. Unless it’s along the lines of “Hope you find a job. Here’s some Change.”
President Obama told a group of supporters in Miami that “It’s not as cool to be an Obama supporter as it was in 2008…
…what with them being unemployed, felt up by TSA agents and paying 4 bucks for gasoline.
…or that sane.
Wildlife experts say that wind power turbines are to blame for the deaths of scores of protected golden eagles in California’s Bay Area…
…well, the eagles probably had it coming.
…environmentalists released a statement saying it could have been worse. The eagles could have been killed by coal mines.
In Indiana, a 26-year-old single mother of three, is selling a handwritten letter she got from President Obama that told her things would get better. She has to sell it to avoid eviction…
…but it turns out it was written by William Ayers.
…so much for his written guarantee.
…if she can find someone who can afford it.
John Edwards’ mug shot was released last week and it looks like he’s running for president of the cell block.
Harvard researchers found that too much TV watching could shorten your life…
…while too much MSNBC just makes it seem longer.
…while too much CNN makes you happy to go.
The Guinness Book of World Records has declared a light bulb, installed in a fire station in California in 1901, as the oldest known working light bulb. It was then smashed and replaced with a neon light bulb by environmentalists.
Elaine Davidson, a woman with 6,925 piercings, got married in Scotland. The couple will be honeymooning in a place that doesn’t required them to pass-through an airport metal detector.
Rep. Anthony Weiner resigned from the House of Representatives…
…after it was reported he sexted every woman in America.
…freeing him up to join MSNBC.
A special election will have to be called to fill Weiner’s seat, after it’s been wiped down and disinfected.
According to a financial disclosure report released last week, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is worth around $35.2 million with her net worth up 62 percent last year making her one of the wealthiest members of Congress…
…so, obviously the stimulus worked for her.
…so that’s where all those tax increases are going.
…yet you don’t see her signing over any of it to pay down the nation’s debt.
Al-Qaeda has selected 60 year old Ayman al-Zawahiri, its longtime No. 2, to succeed the late Osama bin Laden…
…so start gathering those virgins.
…he will hold the job for life unless they find twitter photos of him on line.
…apparently he drew the short straw.
…60 years old. I guess they needed young blood and fresh ideas.
…here’s to a quick retirement.
Al Qaeda has posted a "hit list" with the names and photos of prominent Americans on a jihadist website…
…the media immediately tried to blame it on Sarah Palin’s website.
…so Al Qaeda is now resorting to spam.
…so, whatever you do, don’t “friend” it
CBS News announced that Norah O'Donnell is their new chief White House correspondent because Rosie O’Donnell was busy.
A man carrying bomb materials and pro-al Qaeda literature was detained in Arlington National Cemetery. Apparently he planned to kill our dead soldiers.
Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt just offered former Anthony Weiner a job…
…not as a photographer I hope.
…we’re guessing he’ll have to check with his wife first.
…apparently Hustler needs a staff liar.
A new Gallup shows that forty-four percent of registered voters say they are more likely to vote for a generic Republican Party candidate and 39% for President Obama…
…which means the Republicans will probably screw it up by nominating someone.
…generic Republican candidate? Congratulations, Mitt Romeny!
A study by the Center for Automotive Research shows that President Obama’s CAFE mandate that vehicles achieve 62 Miles Per Gallon by 2025 could force car prices up by $10,000, reduce sales by 5.5 million cars annually and eliminate more than 260,000 jobs. So, good thing he bailed out Detroit.
A federal judge has approved a request by prosecutors to officially dismiss all criminal charges against Osama bin Laden…
…So, there’s some good news for him.
…so he beat the rap.
President Obama stated that the reason the employment rate has not been rising is because of ATMs. Fine. He’ll be losing his job because of GOPs.