…if your internet service was slow, it was caused by millions of nerds contacting each other over this news.
…well, there goes 50 more hours of some nerd’s life.
…George, please don’t produce them. Give the nerds their lives back.
In New York, a man was arrested for threatening to blow up a local TV station if it kept airing reruns of "Two and a Half Men…”
…later, Charlie Sheen apologized for the call.
…Charlie, just turn the channel.
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" accidentally hit an Italian police car in Florence…
…apparently thinking she was at the bumper cars down on the boardwalk.
…and nobody was shocked.
…thinking that in Italy, they drive on the other side of the road.
…thinking it was Jwow’s car.
…that Snooki, always thinking outside the traffic lane.
A new book, "Primetime Propaganda," accuses "Sesame Street" on PBS of promoting a left-wing agenda…
…more so in the upcoming episode where Bert and Ernie get married.
…which is kind of like accusing the ocean of being wet.
…I knew Oscar, Elmo and Big Bird were puppets, just not puppets of the left.
Egypt's former President Hosni Mubarak and his sons are now facing trial for their alleged role in the deaths of protesters during the uprising that forced them from power. But already Mubarak’s lawyers are working to get the trial moved to Los Angeles where they’ll probably get off.
Democratic Representative Anthony Weiner has hired an attorney to investigate the alleged hacking of his Twitter account after a lewd photo was sent to one of his followers. He’s also changing his name to “Smith.”
The controversy around Congressman Anthony Weiner and “Weinergate” continue as the Congressman stated lewd photos were part of a hacker prank. Maybe, but I hear when Weiner butt dials you on his cell phone, it’s not necessarily his butt.
Peter Yastrow, market strategist for Yastrow Origer, told CNBC that the country is on the verge of a great, great depression. If by verge he means “waist high in it.”
During her bus tour, Gov. Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York City and every late night comedians’ head exploded in overload.
Housing prices fell in March to their lowest point since the downturn began…
…So, the house you live in is worth less because of the guy who lives in the White House.
…so thanks, Democrats for changing home ownership from the American Dream to the Impossible Dream.
It’s now being reported that Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi invested 1.3 billion dollars with Goldman Sachs and lost 98% of it in bad investments…
...man, I don't know who to root for.
…so that was President Obama’s economic plan, to put our enemies into bankruptcy.
…man, I hope he doesn’t hold a grudge.
…I hope he was aware that past earning do not reflect future returns.
The Midwest, still battered by extreme weather, has gotten so bad, the term “flipping your house” has take on a whole new meaning.
A group of Pennsylvania eighth-graders field trip to the National Aquarium in Baltimore ended up having lunch at Hooters…
…the boys called it the best field trip ever.
…next time the girls voted to go to Chippendales.
According to an analysis of records by iWatch News, the number of government-owned limousines has increased by 73 percent during the first two years of the Obama administration…
…but not to worry, several of them are hybrids.
…to help make the Obama administration 73% more inaccessible.
…all part of the government’s bail-out of the limo industry.
The Obama administration now says that the government will lose about $14 billion in taxpayer funds from the bailout of the U.S. auto industry…
…ah, we probably just would have wasted that money on foreign aid or something.
…Man, it’s almost like they’re losing money on purpose.
…meaning the government should have just leased the U.S. auto industry.
…but we’re getting a whole lot of pine-tree air fresheners to make it up.
A Congressional Research Service reports that 77,000 federal employees are paid more than the governors in their respective states. The list includes computer operators, more than 5,000 air traffic controllers, 22 librarians, and one interior designer...
…that’s just straight salary and doesn’t include graft.
…Interior Designer? What is he designing, the Dept. of the Interior?
…just in case you wanted to know whose Royal Royces those were parked down at the airport.
…you think earning that much would keep air traffic controllers up all day.
In China, the Supreme People’s Court said in cases where people die from food safety violations, convicted suspects should be given the death sentence. And the remaining food will be sent to Walmart.
On a recent broadcast, MSNBC host Cenk Uygur told Congressman Brian Bilbray during a budget discussion that he’s “actually a fiscal conservative." Uygur then added that he’s also Batman.
On an interview on MSNBC, Rep. Anthony Wiener could not confirm or deny that the picture of a male crotch posted on his Twitter account was his…
…how many pictures of his crotch has this guy taken that he can’t remember if it’s his or not?
…apparently his member isn’t that distinguished.
…worse Kodak moment ever.
…or has he calls it, “the Fruit of the Doom” guys.
Parents in Little Rock, Arkansas are upset that their children’s school yearbook had a list of the 5 worse people of all time which included George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. But, then that’s what happens when you send your kids to Jimmy Carter Middle School.
The Agriculture Department has replaced its well-known food pyramid with a new food plate chart that cost 2 million dollars to create…
…which is almost as much as a plate costs at a Democratic fund raiser.
…you know, that's money that could have been spent on automobile companies.
…only the guide doesn’t tell you how to afford food in this economy.
…as part of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” initiative to spend lots of government money to get kids to eat less.
NBC has announced its bringing back the show "Fear Factor." Only now, instead of eating bugs or swimming with snakes, contestants will have to watch NBC’s primetime shows.
The New York Times announced that Jill Abramson would become the Times’ new executive editor replacing Bill Keller. "Meet the new liberal boss, Same as the old liberal boss".
The U.S. unemployment rate rose to 9.1%...
…just in case you were wondering who all those new people are in front of you on the unemployment line.
…frankly, the unemployment rate as been this high so long, we’ve run out of punchlines.
…I guess the Obama administration is going for a perfect 10.
…but The White House is sure this summer of recovery is going to go much better than last year’s summer of recovery.
June’s underway and you know what that means, Summer of Recovery 2: the Wrath of Barack.
A federal grand jury indicted John Edwards on six counts, including conspiracy, four counts of illegal campaign contributions and one count of false statements, all over $925,000 he spent to keep his mistress and their baby in hiding during his 2008 campaign for president…
…when all he needed was 6 bucks for some condoms.
…I wonder if he was indicted in the other America, too?
…he faces 5-10 years as a commentator on MSNBC.
…he faces 5-10 years of bad haircuts.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian, died at the age of 83…
…from complications stemming from Al Pacino’s portrayal of him on HBO.
…ironically, of natural causes.
…so he’s changing his nickname from “Dr. Death” to “Dr. Dead.”
Vice President Joseph Biden met with Pope Benedict in an unannounced visit at the Vatican because if Biden had announced it, the Pope would have pretended to be not home.
The House voted to demand the White House provide a specific justification of the national security importance of military action in Libya. The White House responded they will let them know what it is as soon as they make it up.
President Obama visited a Chrysler plant in Ohio and said the economy faces challenges ahead and "bumps on the road to recovery…"
…he spoke before a large crowd, because, you know, there’s a lot of unemployed people without anything to do otherwise.
…if you consider dropping off the side of the Grand Canyon a bump.
…much like Thelma and Louise.
Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich testified at his corruption trial that had he appointed himself to the United States Senate he would have gone to Afghanistan to hunting Osama bin Laden. And sell him the Senate seat.
British intelligence hacked into an al-Qaeda online magazine and replaced bomb-making instructions with a recipe for cupcakes…
…next issue, making bon-bons instead of bomb-bombs.
…which explains why the last terrorist attack was a pie-fight.
Nancy Pelosi told ABC News that she thinks the Democrats have a very good chance of taking back the House of Representatives next November…
…unless voters have been paying attention.
…basing her prediction on the Mayan calendar.
…adding that “YOUR HIGHNESS” is a clinch for an Oscar, that going thru TSA screening is a hoot and the Mets are going all the way.