In March 2016, a new comedy website launched, featuring short online articles. It was The Morning Kvetch. Alas, there was no traction and the site no longer exists. So, I'm going to drag out the bits I wrote for them and post them here from time to time. So, let us present (the last in the series):
Lions & Tigers and Beards, Oh My!
Summer time means it’s the season for awkward tattoos, poor fashion choices and summer beards.
When I was a kid, tattoos and beards were the domain of sailors, bikers and tough guys. These are people who were tough, rugged individuals, using tattoos to denote significant touchstones in their lives; the ports they visited, the battles they served, or that hooker in San Diego. Beards were worn by mountain men, pirates and lumberjacks, people who lived off the beaten trail, and weren’t concerned about things like razors or personal hygiene. In other words, people with tattoos and beards could beat me up. Now, I feel I can defeat most people with beards and tattoos by misspelling their names on a Starbucks cup.
When I was a kid, tattoos and beards were the domain of sailors, bikers and tough guys. These are people who were tough, rugged individuals, using tattoos to denote significant touchstones in their lives; the ports they visited, the battles they served, or that hooker in San Diego. Beards were worn by mountain men, pirates and lumberjacks, people who lived off the beaten trail, and weren’t concerned about things like razors or personal hygiene. In other words, people with tattoos and beards could beat me up. Now, I feel I can defeat most people with beards and tattoos by misspelling their names on a Starbucks cup.
Yeah, once these things were co-opted by millennials as body art, things went downhill. We’ve reached a point where the spider web on the elbow is a cliché. Where anchors have been replaced by musical notes. Where people put tattoos where they will never be able to see them and are left to hope the tattoo artist got it right.
It’s supposed to be “outlaw” to get a tattoo, but how outlaw can it be if you’re getting it at that Tattoo Shack at the mall, next to the GAP? Beards were for the outdoors man, who didn’t have access to things like running water, a supply of razors or mustache wax. Now that anyone can have one, most everyone will. And I’m sure women are working on a way to sport unkempt, scraggly beards as we speak. Yes, it a world of nonconformists, it’s good to make sure you’re all nonconformist the same way.
Anyway, I’m off to invest all my money in tattoo removal technology. And razors.
It’s supposed to be “outlaw” to get a tattoo, but how outlaw can it be if you’re getting it at that Tattoo Shack at the mall, next to the GAP? Beards were for the outdoors man, who didn’t have access to things like running water, a supply of razors or mustache wax. Now that anyone can have one, most everyone will. And I’m sure women are working on a way to sport unkempt, scraggly beards as we speak. Yes, it a world of nonconformists, it’s good to make sure you’re all nonconformist the same way.
Anyway, I’m off to invest all my money in tattoo removal technology. And razors.
