GK: Portions of tonight's show is brought to you by Ulti-med Pharmacuticals, maker of Ulti-med. Say good-by to that messy, unsightly condition that prevents you from enjoying life to the fullest. Now with Ulti-med, your health problems are a thing of the past. Ask your doctor about Ulti-med and how you can lead a fuller, more productive and meaningful life, without the drowsiness, dry mouth or skin-coloration so common with other medication. "Ulti-med: The cure for what ails you."
SS: (SOFT, QUICK) Ulti-med is a registered trademark of Ulti-med Pharmaceuticals Inc., a large multi-national corporation that is bigger and richer than you can believe possible. Ulti-med should not be used in conjunction with high blood pressure medication, thyroid medication or certain brands of toothpaste. Ulti-med tablets should not be handled by women who are pregnant, thinking of getting pregnant, or who have ever been pregnant. Ulti-med should be kept in a cool, dry area and kept out of direct sunlight. Never turn your back on Ulti-med. Tests on patients showed that people who retained the power of speech preferred the side effects of Ulti-med to their previous symptoms. Possible side-effects included drowsiness, dry-mouth, skin-discoloration, headaches, sinus infections, swelling of mucus membranes, feelings of amazing euphoria followed by a nasty case of the blues, disintegration of finger and toe nails, hair-loss, hair-growth in undesired locations, painful rectal itch, not-so-painful rectal itch, somewhat enjoyable rectal itch, Black Plague, halitosis, rickets, scurvy, ringworm, tapeworm, bleeding of the gums, plaque, waxy yellow build-up, dandruff, gossip, the heartbreak of psoriasis, athlete's foot, organ rejection, color-blindness, black-lung, yellow fever, scarlet fever, Saturday Night fever, Asia flu, German measles, Montezuma's revenge, Chinese checkers, trick knee, liver spasms, cramps, fungus, polyps, chapped lips, big hips, inner-ear infections, hacking cough, nagging feelings of dread, comas of various duration and certain forms of death.
Should these or any other symptoms occur, discontinue use and leave the house immediately. Ulti-med should be taken with more water than is humanly possible. Ulti-med can only be obtained by prescription or by sending $150 to Ulti-med Pharmaceuticals, P.O. Box 666, NYC. Ulti-med: "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger."