From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Oh, look, another pharma parody! This one was a rewrite of an old Cracked magazine piece I did. Also inspired by SNL's Happy Fun Ball. They are fun bits to write, as you can just do a stream-of-consciousness run of the various things that can go wrong. It's a staple of comedy, runs of words that play off each over, sound alike, get worse and worse, or more absurd. It's just weird that I submitted this bit so closely after I submitted the other bit. But, when you're trying to come up with material, you can't get too choosy about what and when you send it. But, unlike the Cracked version, the set up is pretty straight forward. It's the disclaimers that go nuts and completely contradict the commercial. Especially the fact that the first three things side effects are the exact things the commercial copy says it doesn't do. Too subtle?
ULTI-MED
(GK, SS)
GK: Portions of tonight's show is brought to you by Ulti-med Pharmacuticals, maker of Ulti-med. Say good-by to that messy, unsightly condition that prevents you from enjoying life to the fullest. Now with Ulti-med, your health problems are a thing of the past. Ask your doctor about Ulti-med and how you can lead a fuller, more productive and meaningful life, without the drowsiness, dry mouth or skin-coloration so common with other medication. "Ulti-med: The cure for what ails you."
SS: (SOFT, QUICK) Ulti-med is a registered trademark of Ulti-med Pharmaceuticals Inc., a large multi-national corporation that is bigger and richer than you can believe possible. Ulti-med should not be used in conjunction with high blood pressure medication, thyroid medication or certain brands of toothpaste. Ulti-med tablets should not be handled by women who are pregnant, thinking of getting pregnant, or who have ever been pregnant. Ulti-med should be kept in a cool, dry area and kept out of direct sunlight. Never turn your back on Ulti-med. Tests on patients showed that people who retained the power of speech preferred the side effects of Ulti-med to their previous symptoms. Possible side-effects included drowsiness, dry-mouth, skin-discoloration, headaches, sinus infections, swelling of mucus membranes, feelings of amazing euphoria followed by a nasty case of the blues, disintegration of finger and toe nails, hair-loss, hair-growth in undesired locations, painful rectal itch, not-so-painful rectal itch, somewhat enjoyable rectal itch, Black Plague, halitosis, rickets, scurvy, ringworm, tapeworm, bleeding of the gums, plaque, waxy yellow build-up, dandruff, gossip, the heartbreak of psoriasis, athlete's foot, organ rejection, color-blindness, black-lung, yellow fever, scarlet fever, Saturday Night fever, Asia flu, German measles, Montezuma's revenge, Chinese checkers, trick knee, liver spasms, cramps, fungus, polyps, chapped lips, big hips, inner-ear infections, hacking cough, nagging feelings of dread, comas of various duration and certain forms of death.
Should these or any other symptoms occur, discontinue use and leave the house immediately. Ulti-med should be taken with more water than is humanly possible. Ulti-med can only be obtained by prescription or by sending $150 to Ulti-med Pharmaceuticals, P.O. Box 666, NYC. Ulti-med: "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger."
end
GK: Portions of tonight's show is brought to you by Ulti-med Pharmacuticals, maker of Ulti-med. Say good-by to that messy, unsightly condition that prevents you from enjoying life to the fullest. Now with Ulti-med, your health problems are a thing of the past. Ask your doctor about Ulti-med and how you can lead a fuller, more productive and meaningful life, without the drowsiness, dry mouth or skin-coloration so common with other medication. "Ulti-med: The cure for what ails you."
SS: (SOFT, QUICK) Ulti-med is a registered trademark of Ulti-med Pharmaceuticals Inc., a large multi-national corporation that is bigger and richer than you can believe possible. Ulti-med should not be used in conjunction with high blood pressure medication, thyroid medication or certain brands of toothpaste. Ulti-med tablets should not be handled by women who are pregnant, thinking of getting pregnant, or who have ever been pregnant. Ulti-med should be kept in a cool, dry area and kept out of direct sunlight. Never turn your back on Ulti-med. Tests on patients showed that people who retained the power of speech preferred the side effects of Ulti-med to their previous symptoms. Possible side-effects included drowsiness, dry-mouth, skin-discoloration, headaches, sinus infections, swelling of mucus membranes, feelings of amazing euphoria followed by a nasty case of the blues, disintegration of finger and toe nails, hair-loss, hair-growth in undesired locations, painful rectal itch, not-so-painful rectal itch, somewhat enjoyable rectal itch, Black Plague, halitosis, rickets, scurvy, ringworm, tapeworm, bleeding of the gums, plaque, waxy yellow build-up, dandruff, gossip, the heartbreak of psoriasis, athlete's foot, organ rejection, color-blindness, black-lung, yellow fever, scarlet fever, Saturday Night fever, Asia flu, German measles, Montezuma's revenge, Chinese checkers, trick knee, liver spasms, cramps, fungus, polyps, chapped lips, big hips, inner-ear infections, hacking cough, nagging feelings of dread, comas of various duration and certain forms of death.
Should these or any other symptoms occur, discontinue use and leave the house immediately. Ulti-med should be taken with more water than is humanly possible. Ulti-med can only be obtained by prescription or by sending $150 to Ulti-med Pharmaceuticals, P.O. Box 666, NYC. Ulti-med: "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger."
end
