It's a weird hybrid of a sketch, I set it up as a show sponsor, but it turns into an interview sketch. It is a decent satire of the Big Pharma before it was as big as it is now. It didn't get used by PHC and I don't ever remember submitting it anywhere else, so, here it is, pulled from the brink of obscurity for all you blog readers. Let us present:
by Dan Fiorella & John Rawlins
GK: Tonight's program is brought to you by Phelps Pharmaceuticals, makers of medicine. Not the largest Pharmaceutical company but the most reported on. With us to speak for the company is its founder, Dr. Dennis Phelps. Welcome.
TR: Thank you, Mr. Keillor. It's a pleasure to be here.
GK: So, doctor, your company is planning to market some new products, is it not?
TR: That's correct. We've got some wonderful drugs coming out. There's Philaben. Its side effects include nausea, light-headedness and heart palpitations. Then we have Bicarbofin. Its side effects are dry mouth, a burning sensation while urinating and stigmata.
GK: What do this drugs do?
TR: Frankly, we're not sure. But we know that people with liver disease and Greeks can't take them safely.
GK: You're marketing drugs that you don't know what they do?
TR: We know they don't work for all patients and that people on antihistamines shouldn't take them. Now we have this excellent drug coming out, Zeanadux, which has proven as effective as sugar pills for certain symptoms.
GK: But you haven't found what these drugs do.
TR: We're still looking. Medicine isn't an exact science, you know.
GK: I was under the impression it was. Don't you test these in the lab?
TR: We like to think of the whole world as our lab. See, the more people who take these drugs, the sooner we'll find out their real-world efficacy, and maybe someone out there will get better from something.
GK: I thought that all the drug companies spent millions of dollars testing their products.
TR: Well, we thought about doing that, but it's against our mission statement to make millions of dollars. Our research shows it's very difficult to get rich by spending money. And our stockholders aren't complaining. Our drug company closed at 149 points yesterday, with a street value of twice that.
GK: I see. Aren't you concerned that your company is promoting dependence on drugs? That everything can be fixed with a drug?
TR: No, we're not worried.
GK: Well, I am. I'm very worried.
TR: Here, then, take one of these pills. They'll calm you right down. And only in a small percentage of cases were effects such as tooth discoloration, hair loss and mad cow disease detected. And look, they come in two colors, blue and green. We're not sure why this one is green---
GK: What kind of doctor are you?
TR: What makes you think I'm a doctor?
GK: It says right here, Dennis Phelps, MD.
TR: No, no. I'm from Maryland.
GK: Thank you Mr. Phelps.