Hurray for Hollywood? As the industry enters its 2nd century, they have a lot of issues to work out. And to see how they're handling it, The Weekly Humorist just posted my comedic piece, "Hollywood Memo: I.P. Daily" over on their website! Movie parodies are better than ever!
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Another topical bit swept aside by a non-stop news cycle. Basically, there were threats by the parent corporation to the good folk at TCM, home of the classic movies. The company first screw around with HBO MAX, making it MAX. then they started shelving movies. Then the focus on the unsexy source of steady income, TCM. They fired the executives in charge and started making noises about cut-backs. The one channel they don't have to create new content for and just exists to drawn in and make new movie fans was suddenly under fire. Some big-shot Hollywood directors stepped in to get the parent company to back off, so maybe things will be okay. For now. But it they try it again, I'll have this piece ready to go. #TCM Party PoopersWarner Bros. Discovery president and CEO David Zaslav has been poking around Turner Movie Classics to see how he can screw them up or shorten their name. Now that Zaslav has begun firing long-time executives and laying off staff in the name of cutting expenses, we received a memo which goes a little deeper into the plans for TCM. They are cutting back everywhere on everything, based on the movie schedule for next month: 6 Brides for 6 Brothers 20 Seconds over Tokyo The Rent-Controlled Apartment 2:45 to Yuma It’s a Mad, Mad World The Medium Sleep 41st Street The Sixth Samurai 10 Angry Men Some about Eve The Second Man The 300 Blows 7 ½ Littler Caesar His Girl Thursday Around the World in 73 Days The 32 Steps North or Northwest Single Indemnity The Adequate Years of our Lives Miracle on 31st Street Plan 8 from Outer Space Technically, this isn't a "topical" piece, what with it being based on a 40-year old movie. But again, I got log-jammed with submission policies so I'm just posting it here. This started out as a sketch idea, but, as stated before, sketch outlets are few and far between. I thought it was a funny premise, and it filled itself in nicely and couching it as meeting minutes just brought it all together. Enjoy. Minutes From the Last SkyNet MeetingThis was a tough one to lose. The window for this was very short as it turned out. And it got hung up because the one place I really wanted to submit it to was undecided on an earlier submission and they refuse to look at new submissions until they pass on the previous. And I'm still waiting for a response to that one. Thanks, Mac. So, just think back to the glorious rebellion that just a few weeks ago looked to overthrow Russia... Russian Civil War LettersEverybody, sing along! The Weekly Humorist just posted my comedic piece, "Depressing Karaoke Night" over on their website! You don't even have to know all the words to enjoy!
Another topical bit that couldn't make the rounds in time. I made an online joke about this news item when it first hit the news cycle and a friend said I should write a sketch on that. Since the outlet for sketches is limited at this time, I decided to try it as a prose piece. I like the way it came out. Editors did not. So, here it is: Bratz AttacksAs has been reported, the country of Vietnam has banned the “Barbie” movie over an alleged map shown in the alleged movie that shows the so-called “nine-dash line” border claim. This border, a U-shaped dotted line showing territory in the South China Sea that both China and Vietnam claim as their own. How did this happen over what is supposed to be a glitzy, vapid product placement movie? In a bombshell report, the Barbie group is claiming that The Bratz Dolls altered the map on the set of the movie, which was then filmed and, remarkably, included in the trailer for this alleged summer blockbuster. Representatives for the “Barbie” movie claim they have surveillance video showing Bratz leader Cloe, and two of her under-bratz, Sasha and Yasmin, making their way to a Barbie RV containing the map and adding the dashes to it on set. “Causing an international incident just to embarrass Barbie? That’s totally a Bratz move,” said Barbie spokesperson Ken. “I’ve known Barbie for a long time and there’s no way she would disrespect the Vietnamese like this! Some of our best accessories come from Vietnam!” he added. While there has been no official word from the Bratz community, long-time Bratz-phile, Cameron, did post a message on his Instagram account which read, “Typically, Barbie and her friends cannot be trusted to tell the truth. The so-called ‘video’ is obviously a stop-motion film using some Bratz dolls. Bratz do not engage in boring things like international politics. They are too cool. Way cooler than Barbie, even Astronaut Barbie.” There has always been tension between the two groups. “The Bratz have always been undermining us,” Barbie was quoted as saying in a recent magazine article. “Since my break-out role in ‘Toy Story 2’ these Bratz have been jealous. The trolling has been nonstop. And I mean, online vicious remarks, not my cute buddies, the Russ Trolls.” During a recent press junket, Barbie’s sister, Skipper, responded to taunts on social media by saying, “Of course we think it’s the Bratz. I mean, why would you even call yourselves ‘Bratz’ if you weren’t brats? I mean, it’s right there in their name!” “Look, we’re sorry Barbie came close to starting World War III,” Big Bratz Meygan told us. “It’s obvious she isn’t ready for the big time and the scrutiny it involves. And she can’t keep blaming the Bratz for all her woes. Hey, Barbie, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the toy box.” The US State Department has simply issued a statement saying they want the dolls to work it out for themselves. Although an announced trip to Taiwan by G.I. Joe has the administration very concerned. I wrote this piece back in June, thinking I'd have to get it out to the world ASAP, figuring the writers strike shouldn't last too long. Unfortunately, 4 months later, it's still topical. Rejected Writers Guild Picket SignsTo be honest, the longer the writers’ strike goes on, the less clever the picket signs become. Sure, they started out slick and comical, but now they’re beginning to read like a standard “Fast and Furious” comeback. As the WGA attempts to maintain a certain level of decorum, they’ve taken to monitoring the signs the writers come up with. Here’s some that were left on the picket line floor: Pencils away! Or are you just glad to see me? Sorry, studio contract, you’re not my TYPE(ing)! Something, something, unfair! Could you make the contract 10% sweeter? We will not be replaced! By machines! Or your brother-in-law! Without writers, what will you base all your future reboots on? Hey, studio contract, we have notes! Pencils down! Dander up! Those post-credit Easter eggs don’t write themselves, you know! Yadda-yadda-yadda, we’re on strike! You think AI is going to suck up to you, too? I hope we win the strike before they sell off the studios. At least I’m getting my steps in. My other sign is wittier. And the sparkling water was flat! FYI, we’re not the DGA. Hey, Hey! Hee, Hee! Gotta beat the AMPTP Hey, Siri, write me a picket sign. It's Christmas in July and we're running a sale on my ebooks! The Nick Files are 99 cents each! Halloweenies is 99 cents! Novel Concept is FREE! Check it all out at my Author Page on Amazon!www.amazon.com/stores/author/B00A4NSMBC
Before we send you all off on shore leave, as your captain, I feel the need to address out some things I feel regarding our first cruise out of our new homeport of Brooklyn. First, we still say “Ahoy.” Not “Yo!” I didn’t think this was something that needed to be said. The dessert to passenger ratio needs to be improved. I don’t want a repeat of the Chocolate Fountain incident again, stormy seas or not. In light of the smash & grabs at the on-board duty-free shops, the nightly “Glow Party” and “White Rave,” “Silent Disco” and “Nickle Beer Night” are being rethought. Passenger surveys are telling us people who come upon the pool-side Bingo game and yell “Bingo” should be keelhauled. This will not happen. Nor will future passengers surveys. While we will continue the tradition of singing “Happy Birthday” in our onboard restaurants, we will no longer have staff yell “Happy Wedding Night!” outside the cabins of honeymoon couples. Our standard reminder: It’s a trivia contest for our passengers not an audition opportunity for the staff. Sailing into international waters means we can open the casino to passengers. It does not mean we will begin “the purge.” And again, no, the company will not be booking a cruise with an “endangered species” buffet station. Whoever keeps suggesting that needs to stop suggesting it. The person who booked the movies “Titanic” and “The Poseidon Adventure” has been sacked. No more “anchor rides.” As for making port at our private island, the staff member who was handing out shovels to the disembarking passengers and telling them to “find the buried treasure” has been confined to quarters. Full contact shuffleboard is being discontinued. When I inform the crew to “report your station” I do not mean the omelet station. No, the onboard sneaker shop will not be renamed Davy Jones’ Food Locker. Have a pleasant leave and make sure to return by 1300 hours. That’s 1 pm for our entertainers. A humor magazine I often submit to but rarely get in runs these Hashtag Games on Twitter, where they name a topic and we submit humorous responses. These games play right into my pun zone, so I often play. The trouble is, the way my Twitter timeline flows these days, I don't always see the game in action and I always forget that it's on Wednesdays. Every single Wednesday. But when I do stumble into the game, I always submit a bunch of entries and they many times get selection. Take last week's game: (that's the link above)
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Dan FiorellaFreelance writer, still hacking away. Archives
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