Back in the aughts, Cracked magazine was owned by the same company as the Weekly World News. During the rocky final years of Cracked, our editor, in an attempt to give the writers a pay check, had us contribute articles to WWN ("the humor magazine that nobody knows is a humor magazine.") It took me a while to get the hang of the paper but first the editor suggested I do the "Letter and Answer" format for their Dear Abby-style advice column, except that their "expert," Dottie, was a bitch. I struggled with the format, kinda of recycling various jokes and bits I had over the years into a letter format with a snotty answer Again, they skipped a week so they could run a double feature this week. I don't have many memories of these letters. I goof on Ed Anger, their other columnist. Drunken hubby sounds like a twist on my Space Invaders script. Some amusing odds and ends. I guess you can read it all for yourself:
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Everyone is always arguing about whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Well, now it absolutely is, since the role of Hans Gruber is now played by the Grinch. Check out my Suessian heist tale over at Weekly Humorist, home of weekly humor, to read "How the Grinch Robbed Nakotomi Plaza."
From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things... My goodness, I was must have been very angry when I wrote this. Song parodies. Political humor. Bad puns. It's all here. And, worse, with some minor re-writing, it's totally applicable to day. People forget we've been dealing with this Red State/Blue State divide for a while now. The war on Christmas has been an annual claim for many, many seasons. The bellyaching I heard back then hasn't changed much. Maybe just angrier. I note I didn't put GK in as the announcer. Did I think it was too outrageous for him? I was to be one of those hyperactive TV announcer types (not Garrison's thing at all) but the "decorated" joke was right up his alley. It got a pass, but it's a pretty solid bit, if I do say so myself. Red State ChristmasFrom 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things... Before woke became woke, there were the rumblings of the annual "War on Christmas" nonsense. I decided to jump aboard although, now reading this all these years later, I'm not sure whose case I was making. Except mocking commercialism. That was always a thing. But people were claiming that we weren't being allowed to say "Merry Christmas" by liberals. Their proof? Big retail companies were using the phrase "Happy Holidays," which allowed them to put up their holiday decorations early and keep them up longer without having to spend extra to swap them out. Forced to acknowledge that their stores operate in a multi-cultural society and wanting to welcome as many customers as possible, corporations started to be more generic about their wintertime greetings. And this angered (and still angers) people who want to be the center of attention and won't share the cultural spotlight. Couched as a ad for an upcoming NPR special (as PHC often used), it's a look at Dicken's tale but without the word Christmas. I actually named Walmart, which at the time was dictating retail rules, setting up deals with China for products and underselling everyone thanks to it. So dealing with a communistic, atheistic dictatorship was really working for them. And proto-MAGA (then the Tea Party) loved them for it...to a point. The piece didn't get used; it's all attitude and no real jokes, so I get it. Anyway, Season's Greetings, everyone! A Holiday CarolBack in the aughts, Cracked magazine was owned by the same company as the Weekly World News. During the rocky final years of Cracked, our editor, in an attempt to give the writers a pay check, had us contribute articles to WWN ("the humor magazine that nobody knows is a humor magazine.") It took me a while to get the hang of the paper but first the editor suggested I do the "Letter and Answer" format for their Dear Abby-style advice column, except that their "expert," Dottie, was a bitch. I struggled with the format, kinda of recycling various jokes and bits I had over the years into a letter format with a snotty answer Not much about this one triggers any memories. It feels like I was phoning it in. A parody of a Penthouse letter? Sure. I had done jury duty, so let's throw that in. Funeral flowers, which are a pet peeve of mine, just toss that in. Try to be meta with a letter confronting Dottie? a stretch that filled column inches. However , the confidential about grape pies, that was real. In an earlier column, Dear Dottie opined that there are apple pies and cherry pies, but no grape pies. Someone send Dottier a grape pie recipe. I had to acknowledge it but in a snarky way. I had to circle around this one joke a couple of times until I hit this one that worked best.
From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things... I think this is one of those deal where I wrote the song parody for ACN and it was passed on. Now, it's was kind of a risky submission; PHC wasn't exactly known for its song parodies. So I wrote up a little intro to it which came out pretty good, upon re-reading it now. It's a little early in the season, but I couldn't be too precious about my material to PHC and sit on stuff, any stuff, I thought up. I really like the way the song came out. Tight, scans well and makes all the right movie references with a couple twists here and there. It didn't get picked but you can hum along now with: It's the Most Wonderful LifeBack in the aughts, Cracked magazine was owned by the same company as the Weekly World News. During the rocky final years of Cracked, our editor, in an attempt to give the writers a pay check, had us contribute articles to WWN ("the humor magazine that nobody knows is a humor magazine.") It took me a while to get the hang of the paper but first the editor suggested I do the "Letter and Answer" format for their Dear Abby-style advice column, except that their "expert," Dottie, was a bitch. I struggled with the format, kinda of recycling various jokes and bits I had over the years into a letter format with a snotty answer. Kind of a lackluster week. None of these letters evoke any memories, really. There's a "Welcome Back, Kotter"-based letter, a pre-pandemic lament about commuting to the office. I like the letter where Dreamer got his advice columnist mixed up. WWN ran a second column with psychic sisters to predict things. The Confidentials came out okay with some court humor. I did have trouble with the format so sometimes my letters pushed the limits, but often in the wrong direction.
Weekly Humorist, a humor magazine I often submit to and occasionally get in, runs these Hashtag Games on Twitter (X), where they name a topic and we submit humorous responses. These games play right into my gag reflex, so I always throw up something. I've taken to setting my calendar to get online every Wednesday to "play" (and by "play" I mean submit content to their website for free--I like to think of it as pun bono work). I always submit a bunch of them on X (Twitter) and some of them get selected for inclusion to their online site. This was one of those weeks where it started off slow, but then I hit a stride. I wound up positing 20 items. I would do a couple, then back away, then suddenly a couple more ideas occurred to me, so I'd jump back in. It's another week where most of the "featured" items were generated by WH. I'm trying to be a little more generous and retweet posts I like and there were a few, but not ones that make the website. I got 8 in this week, but oddly not the one that got the most likes online, so that's weird. There were a lot of duplicate posts and you can tell people don't look at what's already posted before they jump in (not that it's a guarantee that you won't post something that's already been posted).
So, check out the WK page, or mosey on over to Twitter and check out the hashtag there... From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things... There was quite a break from Halloween to Thanksgiving. I've tried to get this sketch on it's feet so many times I can't remember whether I pulled it out of the file for this or if I wrote it for here and tried to resubmit afterward. I even re-worked it a bit to be a Christmas holiday sketch and even slipped it into a rom-com I wrote. It's basically a silly bit, but also kind of dark. It seems like it belongs with one of my Gravy Hut or Anchor Store skits, but it plays very different. It got a pass on multiple fronts, so we'll just present it here: Debbie’s Free-Range Accidentally Killed Turkey FarmBack in the aughts, Cracked magazine was owned by the same company as the Weekly World News. During the rocky final years of Cracked, our editor, in an attempt to give the writers a pay check, had us contribute articles to WWN ("the humor magazine that nobody knows is a humor magazine.") It took me a while to get the hang of the paper but first the editor suggested I do the "Letter and Answer" format for their Dear Abby-style advice column, except that their "expert," Dottie, was a bitch. I struggled with the format, kinda of recycling various jokes and bits I had over the years into a letter format with a snotty answer. This week's material reads more like mine. A stinky co-worker, fighting kids for the car radio, and a nod to the TV show "Bewitched," all mine. In fact, the worker who want to collect disability was based on a true story. A co-worker's kid, who hadn't worked in years because he was on disability for a workplace injury and had settled for a lot of money was busted. Instead of considering a job, he decided to hire a lawyer and get him to re-open his case and try to collect more money from the accident. I knew him slightly because at one point he worked in our mail room and was fired for multiple reasons. So definitely worth a letter.
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Dan FiorellaFreelance writer, still hacking away. Archives
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