Blog Posts - Dan Fiorella: Writer @ large

Dan Fiorella

Barely Home Companion: Dr. Duct Tape (1/01)

1/21/2020

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

The beginning of 2001 wasn't a sterling time for me. Checking my journal, I was down in the dumps about a lot of things; Cracked magazine had been sold and had lowered their pay rate. I had a second job at the time and wasn't able to get many hours from them. I was constantly referencing ThemeStream.com, where I was housing my prose pieces. They were a pay-for-click site and I was checking it every day to see if I was earning any money. And even they were reducing their pay rate. PHC hadn't been using anything and I was having trouble coming up with new material.

I was taking my rejected PHC bits and posting them on ThemeStream and was then going on the PHC chat room trying to drive fan traffic to those ThemeStream pages to generate some income. I had totally forgotten about this scheme, so technically, this isn't the first time some of my bits have seen the light of day since being rejected!

Anyway, I attempted another go at one of their running gags, duct tape. It seems like a pleasant little ditty. Maybe slightly outside their standard format. And I'm sure all the typos didn't help me any. I like the thumb gag. I found it a challenge to take on these regular bits, to see if I could capture (and subvert) the show's voice. But, it made the material way too specific to attempt to sell elsewhere if rejected. Which, again, they mostly were. Anyway, here's a reprise of the duct tape sketch...

DUCT TAPE

Barely Home Companion: Take Two (01/01)

1/17/2020

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

This is one of those Barely Home Companion tales that has a happier ending. Since I never throw anything out, a few years after this got rejected by PHC, I submitted it to another radio content producer and they produced it! It's a straight-forward comedy sketch. In no way did I even attempt to tie it into the PHC format or regulars. It was just a funny audio bit. It's another one of those thing where I don't remember how or where it came from. After the script, I'm including the audio from the version that did get made.

Take Two

Barely Home Companion: Mad Cow Party (1/01)

1/15/2020

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

This was one of those "Hail Mary Passes" to PHC. I was trying to submit weekly, to show them I was a solid producer but it could be hard. I had written this originally as a prose piece called "Mad Cows & Englishmen" and posted it online at Themestream (and a couple of other short-lived internet communes for prose). Once those sites disappeared, I rescued it by posting it here on my blog.

Mad Cow disease did pop up in the news back in the beginning of 2001, so I figured I could rewrite a very dialogue-heavy piece of prose into a decent radio script. I thought the literary bent might win me some points, but it did not. Just a note, I did slip in one topical joke, a poke at a coffee creamer commercial that was around at the time. Hey, I enjoyed writing it and I thought I nail the tone pretty well, and added my own jokes. But, no sale.

MAD COW PARTY

Barely Home Companion - Bush State o'Union Address 2004

1/13/2020

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

Back in 2004 there wasn't a heck of a lot of post-State Of The Union follow-up comedy. But that year Bush took a moment to speak out against steroid use in baseball, and while it is a valid concern, many wondered why it came up in a SOTU address. But that remark was the inspiration for a sketch: other things the President didn't get to bring up or fully explain. The bit went well and was surprisingly true to the script I submitted. Yet, there was no credit for me, on air or on the website. I noticed that there's no credit for Keillor online either.

This is a bitter sweet sketch for me, it's the last sketch of mine that they used. I actually continued to submit to the show for the remainder of the 2003-2004 season, and the next two beyond--I was even sending material well into 2007, and occasionally after that--but none of it was acknowledged. I was not really fired, no one asked me to go away, I just petered out. I just wasn't making the cut and after a while of that I just stopped sending things in. It was sad and frustrating but unsurprising based on all my previous experience there.

Writing is a solitary profession. I always dreamed of joining that comedy room or being part of a team. I wanted to belong to something that I wanted to belong to. Style Without Substance, the WGAE, the Plague, PHC, workshops, but something always eluded me. Sometimes they ended and it felt like I was dropped to the curb. Mostly it involves my lack of social skills, I'm civil, personable but I'm an introvert and can't exist outside my comfort zone for long. When my excuse for being with people ends, I am incapable of maintaining that relationship. It's happened with classmates, committee members and co-writers. I just retreat to my hidey-hole and look for the next place to mail by submissions out to.

Years ago, I was once talking with my friend; we were both writing and we both had day jobs. I hadn't really told anyone at work about what I did on the side and I asked him if he had. He promptly said no. And it was never something he considered. To him, "writer" was his secret identity and his super power. Sometimes I forget that. I'm a writer. Yes, there's the day job and the family and the chores and the kids, but the core issue remains; I'm a writer. And the fact is, working on this blog has reminded me of that. It's not a stellar career but it it mind.

Anyway, on Jan. 24, 2004, PHC presented my State o'Union sketch (with my original script posted below).

Bush State o'Union Address 2004

TMI: Hollywood Minute, Dec 2019

1/11/2020

the last jokes of 2019!

Team Trump Online Video Updates

1/9/2020

Here's a topical piece and I lost my site that took topical pieces. Maybe I'll turn it into a sketch, but these days with the news cycles, no one will remember...

To: @Trump2020

Cc: @POTUS, @RudyColludy, @LevParnas, @ThatIgorFruman

RE: Online Video Pitches

We’re looking at the numbers on the recent video we shared on Twitter and they are insane! The video blew up big time. The people love seeing the President portrayed in a copyrighted clip as Thanos as he’s about to disintegrate the entire universe! When combined with the number of views of our tremendous “Game of Thrones” build-the-wall meme, you can see we have this election in the bag! So, with that in mind, we’ve been going through Wikipedia (not Wikileaks; LOL) to find more iconic and trademarked pop-culture characters we can infringe on. It’s quite a list!

Auric Goldfinger: this was a no brainer! Who loves gold more than Mr. Trump? Picture the scene where James Bond is tied to a table with a laser working its way up toward his groinal regions. Only, in the clip, we’ll put Nancy Pelosi’s face on Bond. So when she says, “Do you expect me to talk?” and Goldfinger/Trump replies “No, I expect you to die” our supporters will go nuts. Many clinically.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Style, wit, grace, intellect-who better displays these Trumpian characteristics than Dr. Lecter from “Silence of the Lambs”? We all agree that we should use the scene where Lecter silences all the lambs, i.e., the braying Democrats.

Zombie from “Return of the Living Dead”: We can have Zombie Trump trying to eat the brains of the Democratic leadership, but he keeps saying “These Democrats have no brains!” (If he hasn’t said it already, maybe work the phrase into his next rally) and “I’m still hungry!” (which we’re very sure is on file somewhere).

Jack Torrance: This is Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” Just imagine having Mr. Trump come busting through the door saying “Here’s MAGA!” while Hillary (or Nancy or Barrack or James Comey or whoever’s on Mr. Trump’s Most Wanted list that week) screams in terror? That’s Trumpism in a nutshell, baby!

The Emperor from “Star Wars”: Lifetime ruler alert! Picture the scene where Emperor Palpatine (now Mr. Trump) tells Luke (now Adam Schiff) “It is of no concern. Soon the rebellion will be crushed.” Or something like that. If that doesn’t make people want to join the Trump Empire, then nothing will!

Lord Voldemort: What could be more dramatic and uplifting for the Republicans then the scene where Lord Donald finally strikes down his mortal enemy, Hillary Potter, with the forbidden spell of “Avada Kedavra” which, we believe, is Latin for “Lock her up!”

Godzilla: Hey, when you think about destroying a corrupt town like Washington D.C., what comes to mind quicker than Godzilla? Imagine Mr. Trump’s head over Godzilla’s as he stomps through town screaming “Drain the swamp” or “Lock her up” (depending on focus group feedback) and we can turn the fleeing populous as members of the Demon-cratic Party (pretty good, right? I just made that up now). In fact, we can lift a whole clip of fleeing Democrats from the Daily Show and their “World War D” footage. I’m sure they won’t mind, either.

Gollum: Okay, he’s another gold-phile, but we can have the scene were Frodo is trying to throw the ring (say, the Constitution) into the flaming fires of Mount Doom and Gollum/Trump leaps out and rescues the ring, yelling: “My precious! My precious,” which would totally be in character for Mr. Trump and his love of the Constitution.

Get back to me on any of these ideas. Me and Lester are ready to put any one of them together! And wait until you see the amazing fake Time covers we’re prepping! And we’ll make sure we don’t send out this text as a tweet again!

The Big Jewel, R.I.P.

12/26/2019

Nuts, lost another outlet. I just found out that The Big Jewel pulled a Mad magazine and is no longer posting new material. This happened back in August, which shows how much I was paying attention. The last time they published anything of mine was in April, where I got two pieces up in April. Maybe I should have realized something was up. They're keeping the site up for now, archiving all the material they've posted over the years. They didn't pay a nickle, but I always got the sense they were a respectable place to publish material and I always had to run a gauntlet of editors to get the thumbs up or down. My stuff is there. I'll miss having that forum to work with whenever a prose piece idea hit. But the guy who ran it was dealing with other successes and was finding it harder to maintain the site, so at least it was for a good reason.

And the search begins anew...

Barely Home Companion: Christmas Edition - No Wellness (12/00)

12/23/2019

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

Here's a bit that kicked around in several forms. A PHC sketch. A non-PHC sketch. A prose piece that kicked around until it found a home in my local paper before they were online. Then I expanded it and posted it on my blog. It's a list. It's puns and word play. And it's all of a theme. I enjoy writing those.

We present this holiday comedy to remind you that my Christmas Comedy Caper, Lost Claus is available over at Amazon. So buy your copy today and avoid the post-holiday rush!

No-Wellness

Sketchy Tales: Christmas Edition - Do You Know the Way to Santa Claus? (12/00)

12/22/2019

This was the first thing I sold to ACN radio. Granted, it was massively rewritten, but the idea of substituting "Santa Claus" for "San Jose" was totally mine. For the season, I pulled out the original parody lyrics, then I'm pasting the produced version below. I liked my version a lot, even working it into one of my screenplays.

Do You Know the Way to Santa Claus
by Dan Fiorella
(sung to the tune of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?")

Do you know the way to Santa Claus?
I've been away so long, my life's gone wrong, I need a pause.
Do you know the way to Santa Claus?
I'm going back to find some peace on earth with Santa Claus.

Noel is a great big season.
Spend a hundred now, and spend some more.
In a week, maybe two, you're back in the store.
Changing gifts and stuff back into cash.
And all the toys you treasured so
Are broken now and in the trash.

I need to believe in Santa Claus.
He's got a lot to give, not just to kids, but to us all.
I was born and raised on Santa Claus.
I'm going back to find some jingle time with Santa Claus.

The North Pole should be a magnet.
It's the place where Christmas spirit reigns.
Free of greed and the deeds that drive you insane.
Santa is the man who shows the way;
With peace on earth, good will toward man
and that's the point of Christmas day.

We've all got a friend in Santa Claus.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo.
Do you know the ways of Santa Claus?
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo.
Can't wait to get back to Santa Claus!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo.

Barely Home Companion: Christmas Edition - Three Tenors Sing Christmas (12/00)

12/21/2019

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

This sketch is a sequel, as many of my Christmas bits were. When my kids were little, we went through a major Barney phase. So I wrote a bit called "3 Tenors Sing Barney," which involved most kids songs. I liked it. So, come Christmas, it was just a matter of switching up the songs to the sillier songs of the holidays. I really thought this would work for PHC, what with it being opera and them being on Public Radio and all. They didn't go for it. Maybe they didn't have enough tenors working on the host back then. It's really not something to retool at this point. So, anyway, buy my book, Lost Claus. It's a stocking full of merriment!

3 Tenors Sing Christmas

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