I wrote this one up, a topical bit, but my usual places passed on it. I had a joke in my head, "Oh, it's that time when we have to pretend to care about soccer." Then the word "feign" (which I originally pronounced as "faint
than "fein") popped into my head and the soccer organization, FAFI, and the whole thing came together. So now, with the whole World Cup thing gearing up at last, I wanted to get this piece up, so, I present my snarky attitude towards soccer:
than "fein") popped into my head and the soccer organization, FAFI, and the whole thing came together. So now, with the whole World Cup thing gearing up at last, I wanted to get this piece up, so, I present my snarky attitude towards soccer:
FEIGN-FA
This year North America is hosting the FIFA World Cup Games. These “football” or “soccer” games will be played across three nations: Canada, Mexico and, for some reason, the United States. FIFA is promising some exciting matches and some more made-up trophies to keep the games running smoothly (if necessary) again.
With games to be played in California, Boston, New Jersey and other American venues, we must all now pretend to care about kickball for the next couple of weeks. That’s why we’ve created the organization FEIGN-FA, the group that will help you feign interest in “futbol” and lend you a helping hand to get through these trying times. We have some tips for you pseudo-soccerists.
First off, if you really want to attend the games, be prepared to sell a kidney or two, because these once-in-a-lifetime tickets are going for a lifetime-of-debt prices. There is a possible loophole; as ICE begins rounding up and detaining foreigners in the host cities, there’s a good chance these fans won’t show up for the game and you can get their tickets cheap. Heck, if ICE keeps going at its present rate, there’s a real possibility they might arrest an entire soccer team and you might even get to play!
If you live in a host city, move. In fact, you should have been gone days ago. It’s probably too late now, so just get yourself a soccer shirt and pump your fist in the air randomly.
Remember all those years watching your grade-school kids’ soccer matches on the fields down by the bay during those ice-cold autumn weekend mornings? Yeah, it’s nothing like that. Unless you had hooligan fans peeing on the sidelines of your child’s game.
One thing that might help get you up to speed is to binge-watch “Ted Lasso” and “Welcome to Wrexham”. The only problem is while you can turn on closed-captions to understand all the people on the TV shows, soccer games have no such function and you’ll have no idea what’s going on.
You can “root” for a team. Simply throw a spitball at a spinning global and where ever it hits, that’s your team now. You can pretend to support them with terms like “did you see that header?” or “He’s no Pelé!” or “Why doesn’t Ryan Reynolds make a show about these boys?”
Usually, with a big sports event, you can fly flags to support the teams. However, if you try to display a flag of an international soccer team you decide to support, you may be raided by ICE.
If forced to watch a game, remember, there are NO commercial breaks, no time-outs. So, drink accordingly. Also, no amazing Super-Bowl-style ads.
ICE is employing facial scanning security robots at matches in Texas. So, if you see one approaching, look like you care about “wogball.”
If you are met by unruly soccer fans, offer them orange slices.
Buy all your beer and alcohol now to drink at home because your favorite bar is about to become a sports bar for people who don’t follow real sports.
As you go through your day and you pass any footie fans, you can greet them by just yelling “Wrexham” or even “Ted Lasso.” They love it.
And remember, just because you can’t use your hands in soccer doesn’t mean you can’t use your hands to change the channel.
You will encounter many conversations after each match about why the US doesn’t have a viable professional soccer league or beer commercials.
And if you come upon any situations where your need to feign interest in European hacky sack, just call 1-800-FEIGN-FA and a trained professional will guide you through most social interactions or direct you to any “soccer-free” zones, like New York City or most of the south.
And remember, root responsibly.
-end-
With games to be played in California, Boston, New Jersey and other American venues, we must all now pretend to care about kickball for the next couple of weeks. That’s why we’ve created the organization FEIGN-FA, the group that will help you feign interest in “futbol” and lend you a helping hand to get through these trying times. We have some tips for you pseudo-soccerists.
First off, if you really want to attend the games, be prepared to sell a kidney or two, because these once-in-a-lifetime tickets are going for a lifetime-of-debt prices. There is a possible loophole; as ICE begins rounding up and detaining foreigners in the host cities, there’s a good chance these fans won’t show up for the game and you can get their tickets cheap. Heck, if ICE keeps going at its present rate, there’s a real possibility they might arrest an entire soccer team and you might even get to play!
If you live in a host city, move. In fact, you should have been gone days ago. It’s probably too late now, so just get yourself a soccer shirt and pump your fist in the air randomly.
Remember all those years watching your grade-school kids’ soccer matches on the fields down by the bay during those ice-cold autumn weekend mornings? Yeah, it’s nothing like that. Unless you had hooligan fans peeing on the sidelines of your child’s game.
One thing that might help get you up to speed is to binge-watch “Ted Lasso” and “Welcome to Wrexham”. The only problem is while you can turn on closed-captions to understand all the people on the TV shows, soccer games have no such function and you’ll have no idea what’s going on.
You can “root” for a team. Simply throw a spitball at a spinning global and where ever it hits, that’s your team now. You can pretend to support them with terms like “did you see that header?” or “He’s no Pelé!” or “Why doesn’t Ryan Reynolds make a show about these boys?”
Usually, with a big sports event, you can fly flags to support the teams. However, if you try to display a flag of an international soccer team you decide to support, you may be raided by ICE.
If forced to watch a game, remember, there are NO commercial breaks, no time-outs. So, drink accordingly. Also, no amazing Super-Bowl-style ads.
ICE is employing facial scanning security robots at matches in Texas. So, if you see one approaching, look like you care about “wogball.”
If you are met by unruly soccer fans, offer them orange slices.
Buy all your beer and alcohol now to drink at home because your favorite bar is about to become a sports bar for people who don’t follow real sports.
As you go through your day and you pass any footie fans, you can greet them by just yelling “Wrexham” or even “Ted Lasso.” They love it.
And remember, just because you can’t use your hands in soccer doesn’t mean you can’t use your hands to change the channel.
You will encounter many conversations after each match about why the US doesn’t have a viable professional soccer league or beer commercials.
And if you come upon any situations where your need to feign interest in European hacky sack, just call 1-800-FEIGN-FA and a trained professional will guide you through most social interactions or direct you to any “soccer-free” zones, like New York City or most of the south.
And remember, root responsibly.
-end-
