Category: Prairie Home Companion - Dan Fiorella: Writer @ large

Dan Fiorella

Barely Home Companion: Roller Coasters (6/2001)

6/4/2020

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell "prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

As summer was approaching, it was time to pull out summertime bits. I had written this piece as a prose article, then converted it into a Cracked magazine submission. It was accepted there, at least. I thought I did a fairly decent job at adapting it for radio, but I didn't make the cut. Perhaps it was a tad cruel and crude for GK, but I always fancied the idea of him reading certain expressions in that tone of his. Nevertheless, we now present the PHC version of...

Roller Coasters

Barely Home Companion: Land's End R&D (6/2001)

6/2/2020

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell "prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

Frankly, I don't remember much about this skit at all! I know Land's End was one of their regular sponsors but for the life of me, I don't remember what prompted me to write a sketch about the sponsors. Weird. Hey it was a long time ago and there was a lot of material churned out. My journals don't say much beyond things I sometimes submitted or was awaiting payment on, leading me to the conclusion that I'm a lousy journal keeper. Anyway, it was a no-go, so, here it is...

R & D

Barely Home Companion - Bush State o'Union Address 2004

1/13/2020

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

Back in 2004 there wasn't a heck of a lot of post-State Of The Union follow-up comedy. But that year Bush took a moment to speak out against steroid use in baseball, and while it is a valid concern, many wondered why it came up in a SOTU address. But that remark was the inspiration for a sketch: other things the President didn't get to bring up or fully explain. The bit went well and was surprisingly true to the script I submitted. Yet, there was no credit for me, on air or on the website. I noticed that there's no credit for Keillor online either.

This is a bitter sweet sketch for me, it's the last sketch of mine that they used. I actually continued to submit to the show for the remainder of the 2003-2004 season, and the next two beyond--I was even sending material well into 2007, and occasionally after that--but none of it was acknowledged. I was not really fired, no one asked me to go away, I just petered out. I just wasn't making the cut and after a while of that I just stopped sending things in. It was sad and frustrating but unsurprising based on all my previous experience there.

Writing is a solitary profession. I always dreamed of joining that comedy room or being part of a team. I wanted to belong to something that I wanted to belong to. Style Without Substance, the WGAE, the Plague, PHC, workshops, but something always eluded me. Sometimes they ended and it felt like I was dropped to the curb. Mostly it involves my lack of social skills, I'm civil, personable but I'm an introvert and can't exist outside my comfort zone for long. When my excuse for being with people ends, I am incapable of maintaining that relationship. It's happened with classmates, committee members and co-writers. I just retreat to my hidey-hole and look for the next place to mail by submissions out to.

Years ago, I was once talking with my friend; we were both writing and we both had day jobs. I hadn't really told anyone at work about what I did on the side and I asked him if he had. He promptly said no. And it was never something he considered. To him, "writer" was his secret identity and his super power. Sometimes I forget that. I'm a writer. Yes, there's the day job and the family and the chores and the kids, but the core issue remains; I'm a writer. And the fact is, working on this blog has reminded me of that. It's not a stellar career but it it mind.

Anyway, on Jan. 24, 2004, PHC presented my State o'Union sketch (with my original script posted below).

Bush State o'Union Address 2004

A Writer's Journal Journey: The Prairie Home Companion Years; 10/99-11/00

9/20/2019

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

I've been pulling up these old PHC bits over the last few months and the decided I wanted to look up how I felt about things at the time. I pulled out my old journals from the PHC years and some of what I remember is off a bit. On 9/1/99, I wrote:

"Got a tip on PAGE for someone looking for comedy sketches. Turns out to be Garrison Keillor's NPR show.
I emailed them Othello, Barney and Peace o' Mind. The producer wrote back saying she really liked them. They're off the air 'til October but she'll be getting back to me."

Oh, yeah, PAGE. That was (is?) a writers BBS that was created originally as a space for Writers Guild Members to interact on the internet. I had forgotten that's where I got the lead from. It had been a really nice online presence that made me feel like I was part of the writing community. I lot of advice and help was shared there. Today, things have moved to Writers Action BBS.

On 10/6/99, I wrote:

"Prairie Home Companion used a version of Abbott & Othello Saturday on their show! It's now archived on the web. They liked the other 2 things as well. They'll be paying me for the sketch. Then she called today (Christina Tschida, producer) to get to know me better--the next batch of stuff floored her, it was very good and right up their alley. She'll be sending me some scripts and tapes to get a better feel of the show."

You can see why I was so stoked by this new gig. And why I was so bummed as I seem to lose their attention. I got phone calls, I got CDs, I got checks! By 10/20/99 I was already worried that they hadn't used anything else, or acknowledged the submissions. On 11/19, I note I submitted specific material for their Rapid City road show and had gotten no reaction. On 11/22, I wrote they had used my "Mt. Rushmore" sketch and then lamented that it veered into an anti-Republican rant and got away from the apolitical piece of whimsy that I wrote. Plus, nobody told me it was going up. But I had a check coming (which was very important in 1999). I was getting ready to set the next batch of material for their first New York City show of 1999. And I was going to ask if I could attend a performance.

On 12/8 I wrote:

"PHC didn't give me an on-air credit but the bit is posted with the standard "Idea by" credit. And a check is headed my way. No response to my request to attend the show. And none of my stuff has been used thus far in NYC. Very frustrating getting ignored in my hometown."

By 1/7/00 I note that PHC finally posted my credit online for the Christmas material they used. on 2/19 I learn the producer feels my material was missing the mark. I'm told to avoid pop culture, Keillor is clueless. Don't meander, maintain the through-lines. They were headed on the road to Great Britain, but used none of my submitted material there. So I began compiling material for their return, in NY, in March. Which I then managed to lose by somehow wiping clean my special PHC floppy disc. I had to recreate them. I was pulling out the stops at this point, new material, resurrecting and reworking old bits. I scanned the hard copy of an old thing I had rewritten for a revue, Dial M for Marriage, which was a very audio-based bit. I was grabbing stuff from college, typing up material that was all pre-digital, re-working it into radio format. I never would get an invite to attend the show.

Still to do: Groucho song "Medicine and "Style" audition--black out sketches as a Broadway tale--all must be typed.
Tschida kinda likes our Armageddon Married sketch (updated to "Who wants to Marry a Rich Guy) <ed. note: It was a skit about a mass marriage, inspired by a Rev. Moon stunt>. She's worried it's too TV. It's not and I told her that.
Also, she's desperate for jokes for the Joke Show <ed. note: That was out of my wheelhouse>

I'm shocked to see on 4/10/00, that my entry says PHC was interested in my NYC medley piece and asked for a rewrite on the ending. That's been my constant complaint here that I never heard back on them. And he's is evidence I did. They never used it, however. I even wrote that my erstwhile writing partner was working on his own solo piece, after I hooked him up with the show (he was my co-writer on the mass marriage bit). Again, had totally forgotten about that.

Anyway, they didn't use the skit. And I wrote that I was ticked off because they did a Staten Island ferry sketch. I'm from Staten Island! I should have done that sketch!

By June 2000, I'm just recording that I'm still "submitting a piece a week to be rejected by PHC." In July, I must have asked the PHC producer about other radio sites because I say there was no reply. All was quiet for the summer, radio-wise. As they geared up for the 2000-2001 season, I got word the producer loved Radio Olympics. But not enough to use it, as it turned out. I was starting to realize that the producer at PHC was important but labored under the whims of GK. That turns out to be another story, long after I was done...

Well, this brings my journal into synch with what I've been posting, so back to the sketches!

Barely Home Companion - 9/11/01 Guys Patriotic Shoes (Oct 2001)

9/11/2019

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

After the horrific terror attacks of 9/11/01, the entertainment industry kinda shut down. There was too much to process and too many to mourn to allow ourselves to simply slip back into day-to-day life. But, even in the darkest tragedies, people get antsy for something more. Our basic needs still exist, to eat, to drink, to be among others. And social interaction leads to other things; the need to enjoy. The need to laugh.

In so many ways, all eyes were on New York City. Not just for what had happened, but for what we were. NYC is one of the broadcast centers of the nation. And, slowly, the media began to shake off the darkness. We all know how Letterman, John Steward, SNL and even Howard Stern started up their shows-both trying to acknowledge the change while conceding that some things, like the need to laugh, never change.

I had a small part in all this. Half way across the country, PHC had been on its hiatus with reruns for the summer. Their season opener was set for 10/6/01. Not for nothing, but by that time, my day job had been back up and running in Lower Manhattan for weeks. We were pressing forward, step by step, with the ashes and smoke still drifting out of Ground Zero. Work pushed us forward. But, try writing comedy.

The one thing the show had going for it was that over the summer Keillor had undergone heart surgery. He opened with that (which also was written by me). Then he went into one of his Wobegon monologues (which was usually done toward the end). He was going to get back into their routine as quickly as possible.

Anyway, it was time to write something to submit. The heart surgery was a quick bit I had done weeks earlier after I first read the news. But something new? That was proving tricky. One thing that was kind of annoying to me at this time was the sudden rush of patriotic commercials that were hitting the air. Everyone was trying to acknowledge the tragedy while still selling their wares. And some of the connections were really weak. So, that's how I decided to handle it...

Acme Floor Covering

Barely Home Companion - Spring in NYC 3/00

2/25/2019

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

I the file I just found for the 1999-2000 season, the earliest item in it is dated March 28, 2000. I have nothing showing from 1999 and the beginning of 2000. They did a show in Scotland in January and I suspect I submitted my Bagpipes sketch, a bit of silliness about the invention of bagpipes. It was an old bit, I did with a theater group, but it was Scottish! It wasn't used.

Anyway, the show was in repeats until NY in March. I came up with this bit, talking about springtime in NY and how horrible it used to be. The Old Timer was a rip-off of Dana Carvey's Cranky Old Man ("Things were horrible and we LOVED it!") but the twist was talking something as lovely as spring and making it seem horrible. It came out pretty well. I thought I was writing to GK's voice well now and I was starting to write him as the bemused straight man to the oddballs that wandered on mike.

Too bad PHC didn't like it...

SPRING IN NYC

Barely Home Companion - NY Auditions 4/2/2000

2/21/2019

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

This sketch was a real hybrid of old and new. Since the show was in NYC at this time, I decided to do a Broadway-themed bit which would then allow me to pull out my old Auditions sketch. Garrison Keillor like to tell these tales about a past that didn't exist and I decided he would talk about being a Broadway baby. A couple of NY stereotypes, a few funny voices, and >boom<, you got a segue into my original sketch and it sounded custom made.

They didn't use it. But it's not like it was never done...

AUDITIONS

Barely Home Companion - Minnesota Rap 10/7/00

2/18/2019

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

One of the problems with being a freelance writer, far from the production people & having spent a year not knowing what exactly the people in charge are looking for, is that you tend to "try stuff" just to stand out. Now, I knew Garrison Keillor had no real connection with pop culture. I even found a quote stating that in the 6/14, 1998 issue of the Washington Post:

Producer Christine Tschida's instructions to freelance writers who hope to get their material on the show: "Garrison does almost everything himself. If he uses a couple of your ideas, you probably won't recognize them. Don't give us anything to do with pop culture because Garrison won't know who you're talking about. The man does not watch TV."

So, what would be more logical than to submit a rap song? Hey, I had tried a whole bunch of things, writing to established bits and characters, sequels and follow-ups to sketches of mine that had been produced as well pseudo-intellectual gibberish disguised as monologues. None of it worked. So, coming up to the first show of the 2000-2001 season, I wrote a rap. My entire knowledge of rap comes from the opening credits of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." But the idea of Minnesotans rapping was just too goofy to resist. For me, not the people at PHC. They resisted the bit easily. I just submitted it as a rap, no set-up, no announcement of having a new theme song, just like a cold opening, which the show didn't do.

And this is one of those pieces that in no way could be recycled or re-worked for any other venue. This piece has not seen the light of day since it was submitted oh-so-long ago. Probably with good reason...

Minnesota Rap

Barely Home Companion: Valentine's Edition - Valentine's

2/14/2019

As it turns out, I didn't write much in the way of Valentine skits for Prairie Home Companion during my time. Looking at the timetables, they were on hiatus a lot during February and I don't recall any requests for Valentine's Day material. But in February of 2004, right after what would turn out to be the last skit of mine to be used by them, I wrote this bit. It's not a remarkable skit, but I think it's cute and it sounds like a PHC bit. It was rejected anyway. I don't recall pulling it out for any other venue either. I just seemed to have forgotten about it. To rectify that situation, I'm posting it here. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

This edition of Barely Home Companion is brought to you by "Love and Other Distractions" the anthology for charity! Fifteen Hollywood writers spin tales of romance and more! And it includes the Nick Flebber short story, "Cupid is as Cupid Does." Get your copy today at Amazon!

Valentine's Guy

Barely Home Companion: Valentine's Edition - Dial M for Marriage 3/00

2/4/2019

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

When I got the idea of doing a series of posts about PHC, I just assumed I would pull up old sketches and post them. Then I started going back, re-reading things, re-listening to things and working my way through the PHC webpages again. Some memories have been jogged and I'm relearning things I thought I knew. While I remembered responding to an ad about PHC looking for writers, I found this article online from around that time.

From the AP news site:

Keillor Looking for Funny People
September 21, 1998
ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) _ Are you unemployed? And funny? Garrison Keillor may be looking for you.

The humorist needs an extra hand to keep "A Prairie Home Companion,″ his acclaimed radio program, witty and entertaining.

Minnesota Public Radio, which produces the show, placed ads recently in The New York Times, Variety, the Los Angeles Times and on the Internet.

"He was hoping to really be bowled over, but he hasn’t been bowled over yet″ by the responses, said producer Christine Tschida.

"With a two-hour show every week for 34 weeks a year, that is an awful lot of material,″ Tschida said. ``Garrison does write nearly the entire program. It would be nice to have a few other submissions to take off some of the pressure.″

Keillor’s Minnesota-based variety show started in 1974 and is broadcast on more than 410 public radio stations.

So around September 1998, they were looking for writers. I can't remember when I submitted my packet, but by October 1999, I was contributing. Part of being in the freelance bubble complex is the fact that I wasn't seeing the bigger picture. I mean, yes, they downplayed the whole idea of hiring writers by saying that Keillor needed "an extra hand," as opposed to a real writing staff, but I didn't realize at the time that they had placed ads in the New York Times, Variety, the LA Times and did some publicity about it to get the word out.

I must have seen it in the NY Times. Out of all of those ads, I made the cut. I never realized what a big deal that was, really, until now. I never had the nerve to ask the producer how many submissions they got. I just knew I was in. I had had my fair share of rejections over the years, so, no, I wasn't about to question an actual gig. Of course, I was clueless to what I was doing. And I'm sure the fact that I had never listened to the show was a handicap in the long run. I would counter that I do have a good ear and I was certain that I would quickly pick up the voice of the show. I'm pretty certain that might have slipped out during my communication with the producer, Christine Tschida, because she sent me a couple of CDs of the best of Prairie Home Companion to listen to to help me along.

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