I never would give up trying to submit something as one of their recurring bits.  This was based on a real news story; word had gotten out that McDonald's had been putting beef broth in the fryers to give their fries that special flavor. Naturally, people went nuts.  So, naturally, I thought it would be perfect for a ketchup sketch.  As I often did once I had a couple of these sketches under my belt, I would recycle some of the opening monologue gags from earlier ketchup sketches that didn't get picked up.  There would be a new one and then the others would be ones that I thought were underappreciated lines. 

The sketch hits one of my long standing annoyances: vegetarians who can't let go of the carnivore lifestyle.  They won't eat meat, but they want to hang around McDonalds or have fake tacos.

I thought I nailed the tone and pacing of the series, but it got a pass.  I need some ketchup to settle down...

I must have been battling quite the writer's block back then, because this bit is a lazily re-worked essay from my college days.  I was going through a severe Woody Allen phase back in college and wrote a number of essays mimicking his style.  It was a diary-style article, that was inspired by a class where we discussed the transition in film from silent movies to sound.  My memories are vague on this, but I seem to recall the opening paragraph referencing "Singing in the Rain" so it must have been a film class.

And it's not even like PHC was in Hollywood, so I don't even know what prompted me to submit this sketch.  ​I guess the lack of effort show because it wasn't used.

Boy, am I a glutton for punishment.  I submit the Travel agency sketch to be rejected only to pull out my oldest store sketch and submit that.  Did I honestly think this would fly after the first one was rejected?  Anyway, this was the rewrite of my first sketch ever, The Pet Store, which became known as The Pet Rock sketch (which I explain in great detail here).  This is the post-Rock version of that sketch, and refitted to a PHC commercial set-up. 

The store keeper is very much a Groucho character, especially when he's behind a counter dealing with customers; slightly rude, absurd and not very helpful.  It's the kind of character you like to write when you need to blow off steam.  And very much a character that can't exist out of these sketches.  The closest I came to trying something bigger with it was to include a version of my Cheese Shoppe sketch as a scene in a screenplay I wrote.  The customer was one of the leads in the script. She had a best friend and they entered a cheese shop.  But more about that when the Cheese shop skit comes up.

Oh, and no surprise, PHC passed on this sketch as well.

There are a couple of odd sketches about to pop up.  These are older sketches, going back to college.  I was very much in my Monty Python phase when I wrote this originally.  I had done a number of store-set sketches through the years, always with a slightly demented store-keeper at the helm.  It's a premise that goes back to my first sketch ever, The Pet Store, and continued through my years of writing for "Big B's Traveling Sideshow" (which I'll get to some day--there's video) and the Plant Store sketch. When I decide to pitch them to PHC, I pulled out the Martin Storeman name of the shop owner.  I must have been in a major valley, creative-wise, because there's no way Keillor would go for this bit, even reworking the set-up a smidge, to work in the word "Minnesota" and make a last ditch effort to make it a commercial.  I wasn't wrong (he didn't).  It's just an outright goofy sketch that reminded me of a younger, more free and innocent writer version of myself.  It's a theme we'll visit in a few weeks.  Until then, here's; 

Another sketch lost to the dustpan of my mind.  Reading  now, certain memories are being jogged.  It was a news item, that some charity was linked to Middle East terrorist groups.  I merged that with a long-gestating idea about bad charities; Veal-on-Wheel, Fur Coat drives, that I had been submitted to various venues for ages (they even ended up on the blog).  How I merged it into a Ketchup ad, I'll never know.  I did lift the awful/falafel rhyme from my days at the Plague, that college humor magazine I go on about.  And even with all that going for it, it didn't get picked.  Oh, well

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion."  I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie."  It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there.  But, like any other job, there were...things...

So, it was time to recycle some material.  I've recycled this bit so many times, I've forgotten when I did it.  It was a parody of local newscasts that would race to be the first ones on the scene and their live reports were pointless because they didn't know anything, because they just rushed to the scene and went on air.  My favorite would be the newscopter that would hover over a scene and try to explain what was going on from hundreds of feet in the air!  So I took it to the next level, where the newsvan and helicopters were actually affecting the events or they were trying to create mayhem so they could report it.  I submitted it to a summer network pilot, "Where's the Party" and they used some parts.  A few years I reworked it for radio.  PHC had introduced some characters who did breaking news, so I adapted it to that.  PHC didn't use the bit.  I re-worked it again and it got picked up by one of the radio syndicators I freelanced for, and they broke it up, (as written) into a running gag.  I'll attach all the versions after the PHC version.  It's one of those solid bits I wrote that eventually found a home.  Yay!

PHC was still in NYC for the month of April, so I would naturally try to gear my material with my hometown in mind, and slip in my mention of the Staten Island ferry.  I used to read that National Lampoon made it a point to adjust the parody to the medium it was going to be in; so they wouldn't do a TV satire like MAD magazine, they would do a TV satire like resembled printed matter; a press kit, a diary. or studio notes on a script.  Same with the "commercial parodies."  They would format ad parodies as magazine ads, mimicking the style of typical magazine ads.  SNL took it to the next, logical step-went doing commercial parodies they would try to imitate the style of the video ads on TV.  Sure, they started out in the 70s as in-studio announcer style (Bass-O-matic) but moved quickly into filmed bits (Little Chocolate Donuts) because that was the style boomers were used to.  Over time, they commercials became almost solely pre-filmed bits, again, following the more elaborate style of the 80s and beyond, to the point now that companies are paying them to parody them.  This was never the case with PHC.  Sure, GK would often segue into a bit by announcing "this portion of the show is brought to you by..." and announcing something (Duct Tape, Ketchup) but it would simply be a PHC-style low-key verbal bit.  Even my first skit for PHC (Abbott & Othello) was set up as a "later tonight on Public Radio" preview commercial.  

In NYC, Circle Line cruises are a tourist institution.  We see the boats in the harbor all day long.  So, naturally I wondered, what if you took it to the next level?  Cruises to nowhere were becoming popular at the time, so I decided to combine the concepts.  I like the way it turned out.  Short, sweet, absurd and, I thought, written very much in the PHC style.  But no, they didn't use it.  And since that ship as sailed, let's present it here:

GK: of course I love New York, but sometimes the size can be overwhelming and somewhat impersonal.  For example, it's a minor point, but I was in the subway yesterday and I lost my umbrella.  Just an umbrella, but you know how it is, you leave, get off the train or taxi and you don't realize you've forgotten something until the doors are shut and the vehicle is gone.  Very frustrating.  And that's it,  it's gone.  You'll never see it--

    (foot steps)

RR: Wait, wait, Mr. Keillor!

GK: Who are you?

RR: I'm Ron Roselli, I'm the head of the New York City Department of Lost & Found.

GK: The Department of Lost & Found?  What is that?

RR: We're the agency in charge of holding on to all the lost umbrellas, wallets, hat boxes, key chains, gloves, books, backpacks, and water bottles that people lose.

GK: You hold them.

RR: Until someone picks them up.

GK: I had no idea.

RR: Apparently most people don't.  We need to work on getting our name out there.

GK: What are you doing here?

RR: Yes, sir.  I heard you talking about the item you lost and I got my people right on it.  We wanted to get you your umbrella back.

GK: You have my umbrella?

RR: We have all the umbrellas, socks, riding crops, left shoes, purses, Macy's bags, watches...

GK: I see.

RR: Our agents scour the city finding all the misplaced items and bring them to the office where they are identified, tagged and sorted.

GK: So you have my umbrella?

RR: Back it in boys!

    (Beep, beep, beep of a large truck backing in)

RR: It was black, right?

GK: No, actually, it was a blue one.

RR: Hold it, hold it!  Bring in the other one!

    (Trucks gears grind, then another truck backs in)

GK: That's, what, a dump truck?

RR: Lost item redemption vehicle.  Let me get back there into the bin.

GK: Be careful there.

RR: (from far away) Is this one it?

GK: I don't think so, no, no.

RR: How about this one?

GK: That's not it.

RR: This one?

GK: Oh, that's a nice one---

RR: Don't even think about it.  How about this one...

SS: Garrison?

GK: Yes?

SS: I just wanted to return the umbrella you lent me yesterday.

GK: Oh, you had it?

SS: Remember, it was starting to rain and you offered it to me, since you had just found it in that taxi.

GK: Oh, right, the taxi umbrella.

RR: You're umbrella was from a taxi?

GK: I suppose it was.

RR: For shame, Mr. Keillor, for shame.

GK: You'll be wanting it then?

RR: You know it.  Let me see that, one blue collapsible umbrella.  Okay, if anyone out there has lost a blue, collapsible umbrella just give us a call at the New York City Dept. of Lost and Found.  Thank you.

GK: And thank you, Mr. Roselli.

                                                                                     end

This is a quirky bit that I stole from myself.  There's a scene in a screenplay I wrote, "The Importance of being Ernie" (or "I was a Teenage Screenplay writer"), that had this scene it it.  It was a brazen attempt to update Abbott & Costello wordplay into the newer slang...well, the newer slang, circ. 2000s, which is really 1990s when I originally wrote the scene.  It was a set piece which I could easily copy and paste elsewhere.  Which is what I did, essentially.   I don't recall where the premise set-up came from, if that was based on some real-life rumors that were floating around at the time or not.  But it's a simple bit of silliness that didn't stand a chance at PHC.  So, here it is, as seen in "The Importance of being Ernie," Translating Youth: