All Categories - Dan Fiorella: Writer @ large

Dan Fiorella

Barely Home Companion - Small Talk Brigade (Jan. '06)

1/10/2025

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

Back in 2005, we were still getting the TSA up to speed. 9/11 had forced them to up their game and handle more people and more situations. Shoe bombs, underwear bombs, crying babies, were all now turning up as weapons against the west. Scanning technology was still being refined, so the TSA had to approach their task from different angles.

They went with inter-personal skills. Sure, watching the baggage was important, but who was watching and judging the passengers? As I learned about TSA training, I thought it was a premise for a solid bit. Without any fanfare, I simply churned it out as an episode of a series. No "next on public radio," no "welcome to another chapter," I just launched into it, without even specifically making GK the announcer.

I happen to like this bit, but I took a pass on it. Oh, well.

Small Talk Brigade

All the News Fit to Fake- WWN: Dear Dottie 12/31/02

1/1/2025

Back in the aughts, Cracked magazine was owned by the same company as the Weekly World News. During the rocky final years of Cracked, our editor, in an attempt to give the writers a pay check, had us contribute articles to WWN ("the humor magazine that nobody knows is a humor magazine.") It took me a while to get the hang of the paper but first the editor suggested I do the "Letter and Answer" format for their Dear Abby-style advice column, except that their "expert," Dottie, was a bitch. I struggled with the format, kinda of recycling various jokes and bits I had over the years into a letter format with a snotty answer

Well, good-by, Dottie!

Let's see; we got an Odd Couple reference. A take on the lawsuits that were popping up over fat kids and fast food, a look at menopause, along with a nod to the movie Psycho and some straight-up jokes in the Confidentials. It's a middling effort at best, which is a shame, as it was my last column. Now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure the reason I don't have a 12/24 column is because they asked someone else to do it. It was his try-out and they must have liked it. I wasn't so much as fired as replaced, because they were still willing to read my submissions. By this time I was started to get the vibe of the paper and began pitching story ideas for articles. And it was a better fit. I hope you agree as I continue these WWN entries.

So, good-by Dotti, and be a dear; don't let the door hit you on the butt on your way out. Actually, that doesn't work, as she remained but for only a few years more. They ended up revamping the column in 2005, (which was part of a whole bigger thing) replacing Dotti Primrose with "Hi Dolly." So, I guess I got out of the advice columnist business just in time (wink-wink).

In hindsight, a stronger column would have been nice, but if I were capable of stronger columns, I wouldn't have been "transferred" to field reporting...

Barely Home Companion - New Year’s Noise Makers (Dec. '05)

12/27/2024

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

Don't recall much about this sketch, but upon reading it, it's pretty cute. I stared going for a SFX sketch, which I liked to do because a) it's radio [duh], b) it was a recurring bit for the show and c) I hoped the SFX guy might like it and try to push for it to get more air time. I noticed I got a Walmart joke in there, with the proto-War on Christmas the right would rant about even though it was corporate America that practiced the generic "Happy Holidays" so they wouldn't have to order different signs every week from autumn to year's end.

But it starts as a SFX bit then slides into the absurd, which works then caps it all for with a salute to noise makers. Again, I think PHC missed a bet here not using it, but that was par for the course in the mid-naughts for me. Enjoy the read and happy New Year's!

New Year’s Noise Makers

Hashtag, You're It! - #Criminal Christmas Movies

12/25/2024

Weekly Humorist, a humor magazine I often submit to and occasionally get in, runs these Hashtag Games on Twitter (X), where they name a topic and we submit humorous responses. These games play right into my gag reflex, so I always throw up something. I've taken to setting my calendar to get online every Wednesday to "play" (and by "play" I mean submit content to their website for free--I like to think of it as pun bono work). I always submit a bunch of them on X (Twitter) and some of them get selected for inclusion to their online site.

The last hashtag game before the holidays. I skipped the previous week, I just didn't care for the topic. This one came up and it was a bit of work. WH had grabbed all the good ones, (which you can tell by the fact they posted all of theirs0 so the rest were a job. In the end, I don't think I came up with more that 10, but I got 6 included on the WH site, so that's something. Merry Christmas, happy holidays and I guess we'll see this stuff return in the new year!

#CriminalChristmasMovies

Barely Home Companion - Clyde Wilson: Christmas Daredevil (Dec. '05)

12/20/2024

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

This is cute little bit that I do remember writing. I took the idea of the last-minute shopper (based on people I know) and turned it into character who you would follow on reality TV. Or in this case, reality radio. I followed the typical "another episode" format the show was so fond of. I strung together some standard "last minute shopper" conceits. I even made a "Tree Grows in Brooklyn" reference. I worked in a smoking outside joke and I written for something else. And it had some heft to it. A lot of my sketches were shrinking in length. I thought it was a a sure-fire idea for PHC. It wasn't.

Clyde Wilson: Christmas Daredevil

All the News Fit to Fake- WWN: Dear Dottie 12/17/02

12/18/2024

Back in the aughts, Cracked magazine was owned by the same company as the Weekly World News. During the rocky final years of Cracked, our editor, in an attempt to give the writers a pay check, had us contribute articles to WWN ("the humor magazine that nobody knows is a humor magazine.") It took me a while to get the hang of the paper but first the editor suggested I do the "Letter and Answer" format for their Dear Abby-style advice column, except that their "expert," Dottie, was a bitch. I struggled with the format, kinda of recycling various jokes and bits I had over the years into a letter format with a snotty answer

Again, they skipped a week so they could run a double feature this week. I don't have many memories of these letters. I goof on Ed Anger, their other columnist. Drunken hubby sounds like a twist on my Space Invaders script. Some amusing odds and ends. I guess you can read it all for yourself:

Leave it to the Prose: How the Grinch Robbed Nakotomi Plaza

12/16/2024

Everyone is always arguing about whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie. Well, now it absolutely is, since the role of Hans Gruber is now played by the Grinch. Check out my Suessian heist tale over at Weekly Humorist, home of weekly humor, to read "How the Grinch Robbed Nakotomi Plaza."

Barely Home Companion - Red State Christmas (Dec. '05)

12/13/2024

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

My goodness, I was must have been very angry when I wrote this. Song parodies. Political humor. Bad puns. It's all here. And, worse, with some minor re-writing, it's totally applicable to day. People forget we've been dealing with this Red State/Blue State divide for a while now. The war on Christmas has been an annual claim for many, many seasons. The bellyaching I heard back then hasn't changed much. Maybe just angrier.

I note I didn't put GK in as the announcer. Did I think it was too outrageous for him? I was to be one of those hyperactive TV announcer types (not Garrison's thing at all) but the "decorated" joke was right up his alley. It got a pass, but it's a pretty solid bit, if I do say so myself.

Red State Christmas

Barely Home Companion - A Holiday Carol (Dec. '05)

12/6/2024

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

Before woke became woke, there were the rumblings of the annual "War on Christmas" nonsense. I decided to jump aboard although, now reading this all these years later, I'm not sure whose case I was making. Except mocking commercialism. That was always a thing. But people were claiming that we weren't being allowed to say "Merry Christmas" by liberals. Their proof? Big retail companies were using the phrase "Happy Holidays," which allowed them to put up their holiday decorations early and keep them up longer without having to spend extra to swap them out. Forced to acknowledge that their stores operate in a multi-cultural society and wanting to welcome as many customers as possible, corporations started to be more generic about their wintertime greetings. And this angered (and still angers) people who want to be the center of attention and won't share the cultural spotlight.

Couched as a ad for an upcoming NPR special (as PHC often used), it's a look at Dicken's tale but without the word Christmas. I actually named Walmart, which at the time was dictating retail rules, setting up deals with China for products and underselling everyone thanks to it. So dealing with a communistic, atheistic dictatorship was really working for them. And proto-MAGA (then the Tea Party) loved them for it...to a point.

The piece didn't get used; it's all attitude and no real jokes, so I get it. Anyway, Season's Greetings, everyone!

A Holiday Carol

All the News Fit to Fake- WWN: Dear Dottie 12/3/02

12/4/2024

Back in the aughts, Cracked magazine was owned by the same company as the Weekly World News. During the rocky final years of Cracked, our editor, in an attempt to give the writers a pay check, had us contribute articles to WWN ("the humor magazine that nobody knows is a humor magazine.") It took me a while to get the hang of the paper but first the editor suggested I do the "Letter and Answer" format for their Dear Abby-style advice column, except that their "expert," Dottie, was a bitch. I struggled with the format, kinda of recycling various jokes and bits I had over the years into a letter format with a snotty answer

Not much about this one triggers any memories. It feels like I was phoning it in. A parody of a Penthouse letter? Sure. I had done jury duty, so let's throw that in. Funeral flowers, which are a pet peeve of mine, just toss that in. Try to be meta with a letter confronting Dottie? a stretch that filled column inches. However , the confidential about grape pies, that was real. In an earlier column, Dear Dottie opined that there are apple pies and cherry pies, but no grape pies. Someone send Dottier a grape pie recipe. I had to acknowledge it but in a snarky way. I had to circle around this one joke a couple of times until I hit this one that worked best.

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