From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is one of those sketches I wrote and forgot about. It's certainly in the vibe of my Titmouse sketch or Mel's Dinner sketch. Restaurant sketches are a staple of mine. Whether is a good place to have odd people meet and interact (Blind Date) or just be faced with weird goings-on (TGI-Friday the 13th), it's a great way to hammer out a bunch of jokes and lines quickly and efficiently. I don't know why PHC couldn't see it. I may have to address this to submit to short play festivals or something, it holds up.
The Cheesecake Hut
AI. Just because I'm too lazy to hunt the web for a picture of an actual Cheesecake Hut. GK: This portion of our show tonight is brought to you by The Cheesecake Hut.
WAITER: Are you ready to order now?
WOMAN: You ready, honey?
MAN: Yes, I’d like to get a burger for me---
WAITER: I’m sorry, there are no hamburgers.
MAN: No?
WAITER: No.
WOMAN: That’s okay, honey. Maybe I’ll have a nice fillet.
WAITER: No, ma’am.
MAN: What do you have?
WAITER: Cheesecake.
MAN: Cheesecake.
WAITER: This is the Cheesecake Hut.
MAN: Well, yes, I know, but I thought it was just a name, not a conceit. When I go to Burger King, I don’t expect to meet royalty.
WAITER: Nonetheless, this is the Cheesecake Hut and we sell cheesecake.
WOMAN: And nothing else?
WAITER: Correct.
MAN: Okay. I’ll take a slice of cheesecake with a cup of coffee.
WAITER: No coffee.
MAN: Are you kidding?
WAITER: This is the Cheesecake Hut.
MAN: Oh, come on, no beverages?
WAITER: No, sir.
MAN: What am I supposed to wash down the cheesecake with?
GK: It’s true; management hasn’t quite worked out some of the details of being a theme restaurant.
MAN: Fine, I’ll take a slice of cheesecake.
WAITER: What kind?
MAN: What do you mean what kind?
WAITER: We have original cheesecake, Swiss cheesecake, American cheesecake, mozzarella cheesecake, bleu cheesecake---
MAN: That sounds awful.
WAITER: Well, we have our novelty cakes. Chocolate berry cheesecake---
MAN: That sounds better.
WAITER: Pineapple ginger cheesecake, cookie piano cheesecake, bicycle hammer cheesecake-
WOMAN: I’m sorry, did you say bicycle hammer cheesecake?
WAITER: Yes.
WOMAN: Now, is that cheesecake with bicycle and hammer in it or is it cheesecake with some bicycle hammer in it?
MAN: What the blazes is a bicycle hammer?
WOMAN: I don’t know, but I just wanted to clarify.
WAITER: I’m really not sure. I’d have to ask the chef.
MAN: You know what, don’t bother the guy.
WAITER: Best not. I think he’s working on a new flavor as we speak. Some sort of licorice, toffee, mustard concoction.
MAN: Yeah, again, I wouldn’t disturb the man.
WAITER: So, what are we in the mood for?
MAN: Suddenly, I’m in the mood for---
GK: What are you in the mood for? Cheesecake, we hope. We’re the Cheesecake Hut. On Route 70, next to The House of Pudding.
the end
WAITER: Are you ready to order now?
WOMAN: You ready, honey?
MAN: Yes, I’d like to get a burger for me---
WAITER: I’m sorry, there are no hamburgers.
MAN: No?
WAITER: No.
WOMAN: That’s okay, honey. Maybe I’ll have a nice fillet.
WAITER: No, ma’am.
MAN: What do you have?
WAITER: Cheesecake.
MAN: Cheesecake.
WAITER: This is the Cheesecake Hut.
MAN: Well, yes, I know, but I thought it was just a name, not a conceit. When I go to Burger King, I don’t expect to meet royalty.
WAITER: Nonetheless, this is the Cheesecake Hut and we sell cheesecake.
WOMAN: And nothing else?
WAITER: Correct.
MAN: Okay. I’ll take a slice of cheesecake with a cup of coffee.
WAITER: No coffee.
MAN: Are you kidding?
WAITER: This is the Cheesecake Hut.
MAN: Oh, come on, no beverages?
WAITER: No, sir.
MAN: What am I supposed to wash down the cheesecake with?
GK: It’s true; management hasn’t quite worked out some of the details of being a theme restaurant.
MAN: Fine, I’ll take a slice of cheesecake.
WAITER: What kind?
MAN: What do you mean what kind?
WAITER: We have original cheesecake, Swiss cheesecake, American cheesecake, mozzarella cheesecake, bleu cheesecake---
MAN: That sounds awful.
WAITER: Well, we have our novelty cakes. Chocolate berry cheesecake---
MAN: That sounds better.
WAITER: Pineapple ginger cheesecake, cookie piano cheesecake, bicycle hammer cheesecake-
WOMAN: I’m sorry, did you say bicycle hammer cheesecake?
WAITER: Yes.
WOMAN: Now, is that cheesecake with bicycle and hammer in it or is it cheesecake with some bicycle hammer in it?
MAN: What the blazes is a bicycle hammer?
WOMAN: I don’t know, but I just wanted to clarify.
WAITER: I’m really not sure. I’d have to ask the chef.
MAN: You know what, don’t bother the guy.
WAITER: Best not. I think he’s working on a new flavor as we speak. Some sort of licorice, toffee, mustard concoction.
MAN: Yeah, again, I wouldn’t disturb the man.
WAITER: So, what are we in the mood for?
MAN: Suddenly, I’m in the mood for---
GK: What are you in the mood for? Cheesecake, we hope. We’re the Cheesecake Hut. On Route 70, next to The House of Pudding.
the end
