From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
My goodness, I was must have been very angry when I wrote this. Song parodies. Political humor. Bad puns. It's all here. And, worse, with some minor re-writing, it's totally applicable to day. People forget we've been dealing with this Red State/Blue State divide for a while now. The war on Christmas has been an annual claim for many, many seasons. The bellyaching I heard back then hasn't changed much. Maybe just angrier.
I note I didn't put GK in as the announcer. Did I think it was too outrageous for him? I was to be one of those hyperactive TV announcer types (not Garrison's thing at all) but the "decorated" joke was right up his alley. It got a pass, but it's a pretty solid bit, if I do say so myself.
I note I didn't put GK in as the announcer. Did I think it was too outrageous for him? I was to be one of those hyperactive TV announcer types (not Garrison's thing at all) but the "decorated" joke was right up his alley. It got a pass, but it's a pretty solid bit, if I do say so myself.
Red State Christmas
ANNOUNCER: Reagan Productions present "A Red State Christmas" featuring The Goldwater Boys Choir. Enjoy hearing such classic holiday tunes as "I'll Be Home for Christmas, so Stay off my Lawn," "Feliz Navidad? Not on this side of the Border!" and "The First Noel is now Freedom Day" as only the Goldwater Boys Choir can sing them. How can you forget this holiday favorite:
CHOIR: (White Christmas) I'm dreaming of a Right Christmas
Just like the ones Ron used to know.
Where the treetops glisten,
And we're all Christian;
To hell with others that we know.
I'm dreaming of a Right Christmas,
With every bill I legislate
Nary a ve-to is in sight,
So that all your Christmases are Right.
ANNOUNCER: "A Right Wing Christmas," it's a Christmas album that won't tax your holiday budget! Enjoy joyous tunes like "Deck the Halliburtons," "All I want for Christmas is A Big Tax Cut," "Rudolph, the Red-State Reindeer," "Drillin' 'Round the Christmas Tree," and "Silver & Gold and Shock & Awe." How about this classic:
CHOIR: (God Rest ye Merrie Gentlemen)
Give it a rest, ye Gentlemen,
You've said all you can say!
Your PC spiel and vague complaints
won't make it go away.
We're all reduced to "winter" pageants
Solstice sans offense,
but it's still Christmas day, nonetheless, nonetheless,
Yes, it's still Christmas day, nonetheless.
ANNOUNCER: All this and more, including "Grandma Got Run Over by the Death Tax," 'Have an O'Reilly Jolly Christmas," "What Child Left Behind is This?" and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Then Lie About it Under Oath." Who can forget:
CHOIR: (Let It Snow)
"That country is really frightful
And the leader; really spiteful
How can we start our crusade?
Let's invade, let's invade, let's invade!"
Marriage is an institution
That we don't want dilution
So to say "I do" just so,
Hetro, hetro, hetro
ANNOUNCER: This is one Christmas album you’ll be proud to put under your brave Christmas tree.
WOMAN: Wait a second…how do you know it’s a brave Christmas tree?
ANNOUNCER: It’s been decorated.
WOMAN: I see. Carry on.
ANNOUNCER: Yes, you’ll get other great Christmas songs like the theme from "How the Gingrich Stole Christmas," "Have Yourself a Merry Little Tax Cut," and "Jingle Bell Iraq," "Do they Know it's Christmas? Well, they'd Better!" and so many more! "A Red State Christmas" is available on CD, cassette and vinyl record for all you real Americans. Buy your copy today. It's a Christmas Accomplished!
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CHOIR: (White Christmas) I'm dreaming of a Right Christmas
Just like the ones Ron used to know.
Where the treetops glisten,
And we're all Christian;
To hell with others that we know.
I'm dreaming of a Right Christmas,
With every bill I legislate
Nary a ve-to is in sight,
So that all your Christmases are Right.
ANNOUNCER: "A Right Wing Christmas," it's a Christmas album that won't tax your holiday budget! Enjoy joyous tunes like "Deck the Halliburtons," "All I want for Christmas is A Big Tax Cut," "Rudolph, the Red-State Reindeer," "Drillin' 'Round the Christmas Tree," and "Silver & Gold and Shock & Awe." How about this classic:
CHOIR: (God Rest ye Merrie Gentlemen)
Give it a rest, ye Gentlemen,
You've said all you can say!
Your PC spiel and vague complaints
won't make it go away.
We're all reduced to "winter" pageants
Solstice sans offense,
but it's still Christmas day, nonetheless, nonetheless,
Yes, it's still Christmas day, nonetheless.
ANNOUNCER: All this and more, including "Grandma Got Run Over by the Death Tax," 'Have an O'Reilly Jolly Christmas," "What Child Left Behind is This?" and "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Then Lie About it Under Oath." Who can forget:
CHOIR: (Let It Snow)
"That country is really frightful
And the leader; really spiteful
How can we start our crusade?
Let's invade, let's invade, let's invade!"
Marriage is an institution
That we don't want dilution
So to say "I do" just so,
Hetro, hetro, hetro
ANNOUNCER: This is one Christmas album you’ll be proud to put under your brave Christmas tree.
WOMAN: Wait a second…how do you know it’s a brave Christmas tree?
ANNOUNCER: It’s been decorated.
WOMAN: I see. Carry on.
ANNOUNCER: Yes, you’ll get other great Christmas songs like the theme from "How the Gingrich Stole Christmas," "Have Yourself a Merry Little Tax Cut," and "Jingle Bell Iraq," "Do they Know it's Christmas? Well, they'd Better!" and so many more! "A Red State Christmas" is available on CD, cassette and vinyl record for all you real Americans. Buy your copy today. It's a Christmas Accomplished!
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